


Killing me softly

by zation



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Amara is such a goddamn bitch, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arranged Marriage, Bad past Dean, Begging, Betrayal, Bisexual Dean, Bodyguard Dean, Bottom Castiel, Canon-Typical Violence, Cas is sexually abused, Cas is treated like an animal, Cheating Cas, Coming Untouched, Dean has done some shit, Depression, Distrust, Drugs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Endgame Destiel, F/M, Falling in love under impossible circumstances, Fed Sam, Feelings of Inadequacy, Finding love in the least likely of places, First Time, Forbidden Love, Frottage, Hit man Dean, Homophobia, Humiliation, Imprisonment, Infidelity, Kept Man Castiel, Loyal Dean, M/M, Making Love, Masturbation, Mind Rape, Minor Character Death, Misunderstandings, Mobster Crowley, Mobster Dean, Oral Sex, POV switch, Protective Dean, Rape, Rimming, Russian Cas, Sex Dreams, Shower Sex, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Vaginal Sex, desperate love, forced use of drugs, homosexual castiel, inappropriate use of viagra, weird fictional viagra
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-09-16 23:30:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 64,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9294461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zation/pseuds/zation
Summary: Being a guard dog sure as fuck isn’t Dean’s idea of a good time. Guarding Boss’ niece’s new husband should probably feel like an honor but all Dean can think about is how goddamn boring it’s going to be. Until he really starts talking to Cas, that is.Or,The one where Castiel thought his arranged marriage to Amara would mean he would never find love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Killing Jar](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2485460) by [fairychangeling](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairychangeling/pseuds/fairychangeling). 



> This is not a nice story, take heed. Please understand that a lot of shit is going to happen to Cas that is **not okay**. But also rest assured that anything that happens between Cas and Dean is going to be consensual.
> 
> There won’t be individual warnings in the chapters so read the tags carefully (and please tell me if I need to change/delete/add something, chances are I will anyway, especially add stuff). Consider yourself warned and please stay safe <3
> 
> Oh, and be sure to check out _The Killing Jar_ because this work is  very inspired by that one and it’s so good! 
> 
> (Title is from the song _Killing me softly with his song_ by Charles Fox.)
> 
> Shout-out to my beta! Thank you so much, BeeCas, for all your hard work. I know you have a lot of other things to do but I appreciate your help so much, please know that without you this fic (and a lot others) would never have happened.

  
  


Dean wasn’t particularly surprised that his Boss, Crowley, arranged a marriage for his niece Amara. Nor was he very surprised that the groom was the son of another mob organization — Russian Bratva, whatever — because, as Dean had learnt over his years working for Boss, connections was the way to ensure survival. 

No, what surprised him was the groom in and of himself. Because, for one, he wasn’t the oldest of the Russian Pakhan’s brood of sons and Boss still accepted the arrangement. And, second, the man didn’t look like a mobster’s son _at all_. Looked almost more like a tax accountant…

But, perhaps even more surprising, Amara was _happy_ with the arrangement. Well, as happy as someone like her could be. Spitefully gleeful was perhaps a more accurate description of her state of mind. But it was still surprising. 

When Dean and the rest of the guards had heard about the upcoming nuptials they had all betted on when Amara would flip out, what she would do, and whether the marriage would still be scheduled to take place. 

They had all been proven wrong, though, and now here they stood, basically everyone bored out of their minds as Amara McLeod was wed to Castiel Krushnic. The church was filled with Boss’ associates, Amara’s friends, and the entirety of Boss’ guards, both household and otherwise. 

The Krushnics, as it turned out, remained comparably absent. Apparently the Pakhan seemed fit to marry his son with only said son’s personal bodyguard as a representation of the rest of their family. And what was even more baffling to Dean was that Boss didn’t seem to think that was odd or an insult in any way. 

Dean was stationed at the far back, guarding the door together with Benny as he had done so many other times and actually feeling nostalgic about it. Because this would probably be his last time standing at attention at general gatherings. Because, as it turned out, a fateful turn of events that were pure bullshit had led to Dean being assigned as Castiel’s personal guard. Because Dean had apparently done something bad to deserve such injustice. 

Dean cocked his head to the side as he ignored the priest’s droning in favor of ransacking himself. Yeah, okay, he had done _a lot_ of bad stuff so maybe he did deserve this. But still, a personal bodyguard was nothing more than a glorified babysitter and Dean already yearned for the times spent out in the field, doing the dirty work and feeling those adrenaline kicks. 

Dean was a fighter, a warrior, an instrument of Boss’ will. Not a goddamn bodyguard to some tight-assed preppy boy. 

Yeah, babysitting someone as wispy-looking as Castiel Krushnic was sure to be a fucking blast. 

  


After the ceremony was over and done with and Amara and Castiel had walked out of the church accompanied by most of the audience, Castiel’s bodyguard walked up to Dean. Well, Castiel’s former bodyguard, Dean supposed. The man was big like a bear, hairy and with a thick black beard. If Dean was into stereotyping people he would call the man a typical Russian based off of his appearance alone. Good thing Dean was above stereotyping like that. 

"Are you Winchester?" 

Dean pursed his lips so he wouldn’t laugh about the man’s accent. In the corner of his eye he could see Benny turning his head and grinning. _Vinsester._

"Yeah." He nodded for good measure. Neither man offered the other a hand to shake but the Russian nodded his head as well. 

"I am Boris, Castiel’s телохранитель." 

"Uh, okay." Dean glanced at Benny but the other man seemed just as lost. "I was told you’re his bodyguard, is that what that means?" 

Boris or whatever nodded. "да. I am to protect his," he patted his own chest. "But no more. Now you do it?" 

How the hell this fucker knew that was beyond Dean but he didn’t see the point in arguing. 

"Yeah, don’t worry." He smirked cockily, more for effect. "He’ll be safe with me." It was the Pakhan’s baby boy after all, maybe that was what this was about? 

Boris nodded somberly and clapped Dean on the shoulder, his big bear paw almost covering Dean’s whole shoulder. 

"You take care too, да? Cassie is…" he waggled his other hand indecisively. "Castiel is tricky." 

"Tricky?" Dean parroted and immediately his mind conjured images of what he had seen of the man so far. Stone faced and quiet, a little sad maybe. That constituted as tricky? 

Boris offered nothing more, though. He just nodded once more, looking grim, before stalking off. 

Both Benny and Dean looked after the man to make sure he was well out of ear-shot before they started talking. 

"Boris? That’s seriously his name?" Benny chuckled. "Should’ve asked him if he had some Vodka in that big ass coat of his." 

Dean scoffed. "Racist much?" 

Benny just grinned. "What do you think about the body you’re guarding?" 

Dean sighed to himself. Man, when his colleagues had heard about his supposed promotion that totally felt like a demotion they had laughed their asses off. Dean Winchester, patented attack dog, reduced to a mere guard dog. Fan-fucking-tastic. 

"Seems aloof." 

"Do you think that was what Boris the Rad Russian meant?" 

Dean thought about it for a while. He remained silent as they cleared out of the church. He mulled it over as they entered first into the reception hall to check that the security was in place. He watched contemplatively as Castiel danced the first dance with Amara and then gracefully bowed out when Boss came to take over. 

"I don’t think so." 

Benny glanced over. "Don’t think what?" 

"I don’t think Castiel being aloof is what Boris meant." 

Benny stared at him. "That was over an hour ago." He shook his head. "You’re so weird when you get new assignments, Winchester." 

Dean frowned. The word was _thorough_ and Benny knew that too. 

  


*****

  


Dean easily adjusted to his new assignment and it confused him a little. He had thought he would hate it and a part of him did because it was boring as fuck but after a couple of days he started figuring he could be worse off. 

Castiel had so far spent all his time cooped up in the room given to him when he and Amara arrived at Boss’ huge mansion. Dean thought it was weird as hell that Amara and Castiel wouldn’t be sharing rooms but he supposed that that bitch of a woman would be keeping lovers on the side and would want Castiel out of the way for that. Castiel had looked extremely relieved when he had been shown his new living quarters and that had been the only real emotion Dean had seen on his face so far. 

So, okay, they didn’t share bedrooms, maybe that wasn’t so weird. No matter how pleased Amara seemed to be the marriage had after all been arranged so okay, no love lost maybe? Dean didn’t know about that but what struck him as completely off the rockers was that Amara left on their honeymoon on her own. Well, she wasn’t completely alone. Her bodyguard, a bunch of other guards and all her closest friends of course accompanied her. 

But not Castiel. 

Amara was only Boss’ niece but he doted upon her like she was his own daughter, presumably because all the rest of the family was dead, so he had readily agreed when she had told him she wanted to go alone on the honeymoon. And Castiel had only nodded. Dean had been there to witness the whole exchange since personal bodyguards basically went where their charges went, and he had been weirded out by it enough to frown at Castiel as the man walked past. He hadn’t even gotten a glance in return. 

And then Castiel had holed up in his living quarters. His room was one of the more luxurious ones, big and spacious and with a private bathroom. So the only reason for him to leave would be for food, except Boss had agreed to let the man have his dinners in the room for now. Servants came and went and because the living quarters were the only parts with no security cameras, Dean had to weasel information out of Lola, one of the maids, because she liked him and he wasn’t above using that. 

Apparently Castiel spent his days sitting by the bay window and staring at the world outside. 

Dean wished he could at least be inside the room with the man so that he could watch him more closely. His skin crawled with what would happen if Castiel offed himself on Dean’s watch. Dean knew he was one of Boss’ favorites, which probably was why he had landed this particular gig in the first place, but if Dean did something to upset Amara he would be dead before he even knew what happened. 

Problem was that while bodyguards went where their charges went it also meant that they didn’t go where their charges didn’t want them. Dean had been thoroughly lectured by Guthrie, the old man who was in charge of everything involving the household, including the household guards. 

Dean was on bodyguard duty between 8 a.m. and 11 p.m. and at that time he was supposed to be at the beck and call of his charge. After 11 he went back to his usual job which meant that if Boss needed the guards or hit men to go out on a job he would be expected to go with them. Dean was fine with that, though. As a guard/hit man/jack-of-all-trades he had sometimes had awful work hours, mainly because he didn’t have actual work hours. Now he at least knew what was expected of him most of the time. 

Also, as far as Dean was concerned, being a bodyguard wasn’t half as dangerous as being a mobster hit man so he thought he would just try and be content. Best part was that Guthrie now was his boss since he had transferred to the household guards instead of the perimeter guards. He had always liked the old man well enough and he _hated_ his old boss Alastair. There was an asshole if Dean ever saw one. 

Anyway, the problem with Castiel holing up in his room was that Dean couldn’t enter it if he didn’t think Castiel was in immediate danger or wanted him inside. And Castiel had specifically told Dean to stay out. In fact, that had been the only thing the man had said to Dean all week. Boss’ bodyguard Azazel had told Dean that it wasn’t that unusual to be stationed outside the room while they were in the mansion, though, so Dean resigned himself to not feel like an intrusive failure. 

It still irked him to know that Castiel was just sitting in there, though. Didn’t he know he could at least go out in the garden? Or even the vast forest that connected to Boss’ lands? Hell, Dean knew the marriage had been arranged and all so basically Castiel had been sold by his family, but shit, just sitting inside couldn’t be good for him. And if Dean was honest, it wasn’t good for him either. 

He was used to work with his body, to do manual labor around the grounds when there was nothing else Alastair wanted out of Dean or his colleagues. Now, though, Dean spent hours upon hours just standing or sitting outside Castiel’s room. And every evening he had to go back to his own quarters out in the barracks and listen to Benny and the rest talk about what they had done during the day. He was starting to feel left out and it had only been a week. 

Dean started to regret his choices for the first time since he fucked out of Kansas all those years ago. 

  


*****

  


Two weeks later Amara returned, looking tanned and radiant. She just swept back into the mansion like she owned it and wrapped Boss around her little finger. Dean remembered a time before Amara’s dad, and Boss’ brother, had been killed and where Boss didn’t turn so disgustingly sweet around _anyone_. 

Boss’ old bodyguard had had the gall to mention this to Boss once. Boss’ new bodyguard knew how to keep his trap shut. 

They had a celebration dinner for Amara’s return because Amara said so and that meant that Dean was now forced to stand along the wall beside Azazel and Amara’s bodyguard Brady, watching as their charges had their dinner. 

The room they were in was huge. Dark red colors, a long mahogany dinner table with matching chairs, no less than two giant crystal chandeliers hung along the table’s length. Everything was extravagance that Dean expected of his Boss but that also made him smirk to think about because it was honestly hilarious. The table seated at least twenty if not more and at the moment there were only three occupants. 

The cutlery made clinking sounds as they ate but it was in no way quiet. Amara was eagerly retelling her wonderful "vacation" for her somewhat divided audience. Boss was humming at the appropriate places and looking at her with enraptured eyes. Castiel was staring at his plate. 

Dean shifted on his feet, trying to stand upright and look alert. Brady was already slouching against the wall and Azazel smirked unpleasantly at Dean. Dean had always disliked both fucktards. They thought they were better than the "attack dogs" simply because they guarded precious cargo. Dean wanted to see if anyone of them could take him in a fight and severely doubted they could. 

"And you should have seen the beach!" Amara exclaimed and Dean wanted to snort that yeah, Castiel really _should_ have seen it. He wasn’t even sure why it rubbed him the wrong way that she had left without her husband but it just did. 

"I’m sure it was marvelous, darling." Boss stated in his finite tone. 

Sure, he doted upon Amara and he rarely denied her anything but he was after all the boss of a mobster organization and even Amara knew that. So when he rose to his feet and begged off with a nod she only smiled pleasantly at him. That smile made Dean’s skin crawl and he wondered, not for the first time, about the circumstances around Boss’ brother’s death. And he would be damned if the same fate befell Boss. 

Azazel trailed after Boss and Dean was left with Brady and the "happy" couple. 

Amara looked after Boss until she was sure he was out of the room, which was odd because they were far from alone. Besides Dean and Brady there were still two servants in the room, ready with refills or coffee. 

As soon as she was satisfied, Amara turned to Castiel and put a hand on his thigh. Even from where Dean stood he could see the other man immediately tense up. 

"Have you settled in well?" she asked but there was nothing nice about her tone. She sounded like a lioness ready to pounce. 

Castiel was staring at his half-empty plate. He ate poorly, Lola had told Dean and fuck the fucker if he starved himself to death. Dean’s one and only hope to get out of this shit-job was that if he did well enough Boss might want him back as a fulltime hit man again. That wouldn’t happen if Castiel died, though, would it? 

"Everything is satisfactory." Castiel responded in his curiously rumbly voice. 

"Satisfactory, but not perfect?" Amara asked with an honestly slimy smile. She put her arm on the back of Castiel’s chair and played with the hair at the nape of his neck. Fuck the man looked stiff now. Dean glanced at Brady and found that the other bodyguard was playing with his phone. 

"Please, Amara." Castiel pressed out but didn’t continue. 

Amara leaned in and spoke so close to Castiel’s ear that her lips touched it. "What do you say we go upstairs and make it perfect?" 

That wasn’t a question. Fucking hell, Dean didn’t want to see this. He had never liked Amara and to see her in this goddamn cougar mode — which didn’t make sense since Dean believed she was actually younger than Castiel — made him uncomfortable as hell. Brady seemed disgustingly used to it. 

Castiel hunched in on himself as if someone had punched him in the stomach. It looked like he was trying to make himself smaller. 

"Please, Amara, don’t ask this of me." He rasped and he sounded seriously distressed. Dean frowned. "I married you, isn’t that enough?" 

Amara snorted and Dean saw her hand travel to Castiel’s crotch. Castiel jerked but didn’t move away. 

"Enough for your dad maybe." She pressed closer. "Why the hell do you think I agreed to marry you? Don’t you think I know? I don’t fucking care." She licked his ear and he jerked his head away but she moved her hand to grip his hair and hold him in place. "You’re hot, Castiel." She murmured against his ear. "I will have you and you _will not_ deny me." 

Castiel’s breathing was labored but Dean knew that it wasn’t from arousal. Granted, he could only see the back of Castiel but he knew the man was scared or at least upset. And okay, Dean thought Amara was a bitch but he was man enough to admit that she was hot as well. If she wanted to fuck Dean he wouldn’t be happy but he wouldn’t go into panic either. What the fuck? 

"Not this." Castiel whispered. "Anything but this." 

She tightened her grip in his hair and pulled his head back. "We’re married, Castiel." She snapped. "And uncle needs an heir. This is happening whether you want it or not." She shoved him forward and he barely caught himself before face-planting against his own plate. She stood with a sneer. "What would your Pakhan say?" 

Castiel drew a shaky breath and then stood to follow her as she swept out of the room. Dean stared at Brady, trying to communicate his thoughts about what had happened here but Brady just shrugged at him and mimed _not our place_ , which, okay, that was probably true but even so. 

He looked at Castiel as they walked up the stairs but the man showed no outward signs about what he might be thinking. His face was back to his stony mask and that made Dean uncomfortable. 

Amara led them to her quarters and Castel followed inside. Brady took up his post outside on a convenient couch without Amara saying anything but Dean wanted Castiel to tell Dean no personally so he made to follow into the room. 

He didn’t get far, though, and was stopped before he had even entered when Castiel turned around and promptly shut the door in Dean’s face. 

Brady just shrugged again. "Trust me, it’s better out here." 

Dean didn’t doubt _that_ , he didn’t want to see Amara fuck anyone. But the look Castiel had given Dean just as he shut the door unsettled him. It was the first time their eyes had really met and Dean didn’t think he had ever seen anyone look so haunted before in his life. And he had a job that involved killing people face-to-face. 

  
  


### 

  
  


The second time it happened Castiel was more prepared. When Amara put a hand on his thigh after dinner he just exhaled once slowly to calm his squirming stomach and then rose obediently to follow her. No need to further embarrass himself. It was bad enough that their bodyguards and those two servants had seen his shameful behavior once. 

She grinned at him like she had won the biggest price but he didn’t even look at her. He wasn’t doing this for her, or her family. Yes, Pakhan had sold him out, making a deal with Crowley that involved Crowley getting an heir and Pakhan gaining control of parts of inner city New York drug contracts, but Castiel couldn’t care less about that. 

What he did care about, however, was his life. Because above all, no matter how shitty his situation was, he wanted to _live_. And while Crowley didn’t scare Castiel more than perhaps necessary, he was still extremely aware of the conversation he had had with Pakhan before all this took place. And Pakhan _really_ scared Castiel. 

Because Pakhan knew of Castiel’s sexual deviances and the only reason he hadn’t killed him yet was that Castiel was his youngest son and family was still important to Pakhan. That being said, Pakhan had practically jumped on the opportunity to get rid of his shameful son and Crowley and Amara apparently didn’t care. And why would they? 

So long as Castiel kept Amara happy and eventually produced Crowley with an heir through Amara everyone was happy. Except Castiel, but he supposed that in the grand scheme he didn’t really matter but for his ability to impregnate Amara. 

And he really wished he could because he was pretty certain that they would kill him if he didn’t. 

Amara smirked at him over her shoulder as she led him to her room. He shuddered but thought he managed to suppress it. Behind him he could hear his own bodyguard, Dean, and Amara’s bodyguard, Brady, walking after them. 

He knew, logically, that Dean was there for Castiel’s protection but the thought that the man worked for the very people that had bought Castiel did nothing to ease his worries. Even so, he felt marginally better knowing that Dean stood outside the door to his room when he sat in silence and contemplated his lot in life. 

Dean was tall and broad-shouldered and looked like he knew his way around a fight. Castiel’s old bodyguard had been bigger in every sense of the word but Castiel had an inkling that Dean was more competent at his job. Castiel did miss Boris, though. If nothing else he had known where he had the Russian. Boris worked for Pakhan and Pakhan may have wished Castiel was never born but he didn’t want him dead now that he was alive. 

Or maybe he did? 

Maybe that was why he had sold Castiel? Knowing Castiel wouldn’t be able to uphold Pakhan’s end of the deal, Pakhan might be hoping that Crowley would take out his anger on Castiel. It was an unsettling thought and it did nothing to ease his mind as he entered Amara’s room. 

Once again Dean made to follow and Castiel wanted to be able to tell the man that he appreciated the gesture but found that the words stuck in his throat. He just avoided the other man’s eyes and shook his head before shutting the door just like last time. He didn’t know if he hated or loved that the doors were practically soundproof. 

"Dean’s doing well as a lap dog, don’t you think?" 

Castiel jerked when Amara started talking. When he turned to her he saw that she was already removing her clothes out here in the living room. Objectively he could say that she was indeed a very beautiful woman but even so the sight of her nakedness only made him shiver unpleasantly. 

"Yes." He answered when she raised an eyebrow at him. "Yes, he is doing very well." 

Amara smiled predatorily. "Be sure to say if he doesn’t, he’s new at this." 

This upset Castiel much more than he let on to her. "He’s new in Crowley’s service?" he asked and thought he managed to keep his voice calm. Had they pawned off a beginner on him? Oh God, they really wanted him dead, didn’t they? 

Amara snorted and slipped off her panties before she walked into the bedroom part of her living quarters to sit completely naked on the edge of her bed. 

"Hardly. He was working here before I moved in, he’s just new at being a _personal_ bodyguard. I hope you’ve established boundaries with him?" 

Her eyes glinted with maliciousness and he knew immediately what she meant. His face heated angrily at the suggestion that he would abuse his power over Dean in such a way. He was nothing like her. 

"I assure you that no matter how handsome Dean might be, nothing indecent is going on. Dean very clearly knows the boundaries and even if he didn’t I would be swift in reminding him." 

Amara smirked at him and to his humiliation it almost made him squirm like a little boy. Now what? 

She leaned back on her elbows and opened her legs to him. "Oh so you think Dean is handsome, do you?" 

He blinked at her and only then realized his Freudian slip. "I-I…" he _hated_ stammering. 

"Get over here, Castiel, and pleasure your wife." 

He clenched his hands into fists, his face now burning with humiliation only, as he stepped up to her. He tried to swallow but his mouth had gone too dry and he kept his eyes resolutely glued to her belly button. Before he had a chance to lower himself to his knees she put her foot on his thigh, stopping him. 

"This time, get undressed." 

"Amara…" 

" _Castiel_." Her tone could have cut glass. 

His hands shook as he methodically removed his clothes. He didn’t rush it but he wasn’t slow about it either. The faster he could be done with this, the faster he could retreat to his own room. He tried to think about the view from his window. One of these days he would gather the courage to wander the premise. Summer was approaching and the garden was almost in full bloom with spring flowers. 

Such thoughts kept him occupied long enough but when he got to his knees between her legs, she brushed her foot against his side and effectively yanked him out of his thoughts. 

"You’re really a work of art." She mumbled thoughtfully. "If I was a man I would already have a boner, just looking at you. Would you have liked that?" She threw her head back and laughed cruelly. 

He sat before her with his head bowed and endured her taunting more out of survival instincts than anything else. He knew that with time the reason to live would dim and maybe one day he would give up completely but that was not today. 

So to end his own torture he put his hands on her thighs and gently pried them further apart. "Same as last time?" he asked and didn’t know if he wanted her to say no or yes. 

She stopped laughing and looked at him with calculating eyes. That was never good, he knew from experience. She moved one of her feet to gently toe at his flaccid dick. He flinched but managed not to pull back too far. 

She grinned condescendingly at him. "You will give me a baby, Castiel." 

He had to swallow to make sure he wouldn’t vomit as she kept caressing him with her foot. "You know I can’t do that." He rasped. "Anything but that." 

"Yes, so you keep saying." She mumbled and pressed down harder on his balls. "Maybe I should get handsome Dean in here to get you started?" 

Without thinking he brushed off her foot and held her legs still with strength that obviously surprised her. 

"Don’t stoop to that level, Amara." He warned in a low tone and she looked surprised for a moment before she sat up and grabbed his chin in her hand. 

"You listen to me, Castiel." She hissed in his face. "You will not disobey me, you will not talk down to me, and you will give me everything I want." She grabbed his hair and he winced at the pain as she yanked him closer and down to her crotch. "Don’t think I don’t have other means to make you hard, _husband_. Remember that uncle deals in drugs just like your precious Pakhan and I _will_ have your hard dick in me eventually. Now shut up and put your tongue to better use." 

Castiel’s body shuddered at the mere implications of what she had said but he didn’t want to anger her further so he just squeezed his eyes closed and obediently licked her until she came. Unlike last time, she refused him access to her bathroom so that he would have to walk all the way to his own room with her juices still on his chin, like a goddamn dog. 

And his humiliation was only made worse with the knowledge that Dean saw. For a moment there he thought he saw pity in the man’s eyes and that, for some reason, cut deeper than anything Amara had done. 

Because Castiel wasn’t someone to pity; he was a survivor. And he vowed to survive them all, no matter what. 

  
  


### 

  
  


Dean watched with irritation as Benny got prepared for the mission Alastair was sending the guys out on tonight. Assassination was _Dean’s_ thing. 

"When life gives you lemons." Benny simpered and Dean huffed but at least refrained from crossing his arms like a sulky child. 

"Boss _said_ that I wouldn’t be removed from these kinds of duties if they were outside my bodyguard hours. 2 a.m. is clearly outside of that." 

"You’re being petulant, brother." 

Damnit. 

"Just sayin’." 

Benny laughed at him as he fitted his usual shirt over his Kevlar vest. "Is someone being a little cranky because they won’t get to kill tonight?" 

Okay, when Benny said it like that Dean sounded ridiculous. What would mom say if she could see her oldest son now? Was probably turning in her grave... What would Sammy say, though? Dean pushed those thoughts aside and rose from his seat on Benny’s bed. 

"That vest makes you look fat." 

"What?" 

Dean smirked to himself as he left Benny spinning around, trying to see himself from every angle. Let it not be said that hit men couldn’t be as vain as other men. 

Dean walked grumpily back to his own room in the guards’ barracks. If he had to be honest with himself he knew he was being ridiculous but he couldn’t help it. And, contrary to what some of the other guards were saying, Dean wasn’t half as upset about missing the kill as he was about not being there for his colleagues. 

Some of them were assholes and Dean wouldn’t miss the chance to cork up some champagne at their deaths but some, like Benny, had truly become Dean’s friends and family. And family had always been important to Dean, if he could help it he wouldn’t fail this family like he had his last. 

He flopped down on his own bed, hands beneath his head and brow furrowed in thought as memories and imaginations swirled through his mind. Yes, he wanted to be there for his friends but in the end his absolute loyalty lay with Boss, didn’t it? 

Desolate and alone, Dean had stumbled into Boss’ circle several years ago and Boss had taken him in and treated his wounds. Had taught Dean the ropes and had made Dean work for it but little by little he had gained the man’s trust. He was well-fed, well-treated, and sheltered. So no matter what, he supposed he owed Boss more than he owed his newfound friends. And Boss wanted Dean to guard Castiel so he would fucking guard the shit out of the man and stop complaining about it. 

  


*****

  


Three weeks later Dean had learnt a lot about himself and his charge. For one, Dean could actually be patient when he tried, who knew? And second, while Castiel seemed scared he was actually just being cautious. And who the hell wouldn’t in his shoes? 

During the course of those three weeks Dean had also learnt that Castiel really didn’t like having sex. Amara spent a lot of her time with her best friends Meg and Ruby in inner city New York so she wouldn’t call on Castiel that much but once in a while she beckoned him and Dean didn’t get why but the man hated it. 

He never put up the resistance he had that first time but he always gave Dean this hopeless look just before he shut the door. Dean really wanted to know what the hell happened in Amara’s room. Brady just laughed at him and called him names that Dean _pfft_ ’ed at but knew were true. So he could be a little bit of a mama bear, so what? He was charged with protecting Castiel’s safety after all. 

The worst time was when Amara had had her friends over to meet her husband. Meg obviously took a liking to Castiel and when he talked to her his eyes didn’t seem as dull, as if maybe he appreciated her dry humor? Or if not enjoyed, then at least not hated her company. 

Dean thought it was a good thing. Castiel was after all not going anywhere and if he could find someone he didn’t hate talking to then that was good. He had talked a little with Dean as well, stilted and little awkward, but he had seemed to enjoy that as well. It had made Dean satisfied to think he had gotten through to the man. And then Meg had seemed to do it as well and yeah, that was nice. 

What was not nice was how Amara had reacted to it. She had of course played the gracious host but Dean had seen her eyes turn hard as obsidian and Brady had wanted to bet on how long it would take for her to flip out. Dean hadn’t liked that one bit. 

After Ruby and Meg had left, Amara had all but dragged Castiel up to her room and when he had emerged two hours later Dean had immediately seen that Castiel had been crying. He had just brushed off Dean’s quiet question, though, and Dean had never felt so helpless since he started working for Boss. 

That was one week ago now and Dean was still debating whether he should talk to Guthrie or not. Maybe Boss directly? But he would no doubt protect precious Amara and that made Dean sick for some reason. He knew Castiel basically had been sold like cattle but fuck, even cows deserved to be treated kindly before slaughter. 

The only good thing that had come of that had been that Castiel suddenly had dared venture out into the garden. As if whatever Amara had said or done had made Castiel crave the freedom of the open landscape. 

Dean thought it was good too, because the man had honestly started looking a little pale from being cooped up inside for too long. Castiel had wandered the gardens, inspecting the flowers, talking to one of the gardeners that he seemed to immediately bond with. Dean had walked at a respectful distance and had enjoyed it more than he should. But fuck, it was just so nice to be stretching his legs. 

He had had to take up running just to keep in shape and it hurt both his pride and heart. Sammy had loved to jog and every time Dean pulled on his tattered sneakers he wondered if his little brother still ran, was still as dorky, still dreamed of making the world a better place. It did nothing good to Dean to be dwelling on the past. 

It had taken Castiel two days of wandering around before he had taken up hiking through the forest that connected to Boss’ lands. Part of it was owned by Boss and Dean knew where the perimeter fences went so he gently guided Castiel around in such a way that he wouldn’t come upon them. 

They were there for security, that was for sure, but a part of Dean suspected it would sadden the man to see them. As if they were there to keep him in rather than other people and wildlife out. And while Dean knew that the fences were more than enough to keep anything even remotely dangerous out, Castiel was obviously not so sure about that. Because when Boss had taunted him about not letting the big bad wolf take him he had interpreted it as a literal wolf and not the snide remark Boss obviously had meant. 

Dean knew this because Castiel had looked worriedly at Dean and before they even entered the forest he had made Dean show him his gun. It had taken Dean over five minutes to assure the man that he was a good shot because he had refused to show him. Goddamnit, that would have brought the whole guard squad down on them and he did _not_ want to spend his afternoon explaining himself to Alastair. Fortunately Castiel had taken his words for the truth they were and he hadn’t asked since. 

Yesterday Castiel had found a little stream that ran through the forest and today they had come back just so he could sit by it. It looked like it should be boring but fuck, the man just looked so serene where he sat, the sun in his hair and the forest lush and buzzing around him. 

Dean was standing leaned against a tree just a few paces behind and to the side so that he had a good view of their surroundings and also Castiel’s profile. Fuck, the man was actually really good-looking. Staring at him like this made Dean remember that he hadn’t gotten laid lately. 

Usually he and the guys could sneak away in the evenings if they weren’t on duty. But now Dean didn’t have as much free time and he was starting to feel that itch. Unlike some of the others he preferred not to fuck where he ate and therefore refused to use one of the maids. That and he kind of respected the head of the maids, who would probably skin him alive if she found out. 

"You don’t have to stand out here with me." 

Dean jerked when he realized he had definitely been staring directly at Castiel’s face for several minutes. The man still wasn’t looking at Dean but he had definitely noticed. Dean tried not to blush. 

"I kinda do, though." 

Castiel quirked his lips, as close to a smile as Dean had ever seen him make. 

"I thought you said there weren’t any dangerous animals out here?" 

"Humans could still get in." Dean shifted on his feet. 

"Ah, the most dangerous animal of all." 

Dean blinked. Castiel said the oddest things sometimes. They had talked too little for Dean to determine if it was a language barrier or if the man was weird in his nature. That being said, Dean couldn’t even hear a trace of his supposed Russian heritage so maybe Castiel was just an oddball. Dean was down with that, just wished he knew the man better. 

"‘Sides, it’s pretty nice out here." 

Fucking hell, Castiel’s lips pulled up into a full smile and Dean almost gawked at him. 

"It is, isn’t it? Look," he pointed to a wildflower on the other side of the babbling brook. On it sat a butterfly and Dean sure as fuck hoped that was what Castiel was pointing at because there was literally nothing else notable there. 

"That’s…nice." Dean had never been a conversationalist. Castiel nodded with a satisfied look on him, though, so Dean thought he had said something right. Man, this was exhausting in and of itself. "Hey, do you think you’ll be fine for a minute? I just gotta piss." 

Castiel turned his head to look at him and Dean suddenly felt like a fucking peasant for his crude language. 

"I assure you, I’ll never voluntarily run away." 

Dean swallowed and didn’t know why his stomach sank at those words. 

"‘S not what I meant." He muttered and adjusted his dick before walking off to do his business — only shaking twice when he was done so he wouldn’t give his bastard of a dick any ideas. 

When he returned a couple of minutes later Castiel was standing up and almost fidgeted when he saw Dean. 

"I wish to return now." 

A part of Dean wanted to say something snarky back because fuck, sometimes Castiel talked like Dean was his manservant and not his bodyguard. But something in him held him back and he just nodded. 

As they hiked back the short way to the mansion Dean saw Castiel adjust his own dick several times. Maybe he needed to piss as well? Was probably shy about it and not able to do it out in the open like Dean had done. Well, Dean had had to learn the hard way that when you needed to go you needed to fucking go. His modesty about something like that was long since destroyed but apparently Castiel’s was still intact. It was kind of refreshing to think about and Dean should stop thinking about Castiel pissing because that was just inappropriate. 

When they got closer to the mansion they spotted the gardener, Joshua, that Castiel had befriended and Castiel veered off to talk to him. Dean didn’t intend to listen but couldn’t help but overhear and he thought it was kind of cute that Castiel was asking for new bushes to be added to the garden that were especially designed to attract butterflies. Who knew Castiel could be such a softie? 

Dean almost forgot himself when they reached Castiel’s quarters and he stepped inside before the door had swung shut. Castiel turned to look at him with surprise in his eyes, his eyebrows high up on his forehead. 

"Um." Dean coughed because _that’s_ inconspicuous… "Would that be all for now?" 

_What the fucking hell?!_ Why had he asked that?! It made it sound like he was proposing something. Fucking fuck, Dean hadn’t acted so unprofessional since he first started working here. 

Castiel quirked his lips again and it looked like his blue eyes sparkled. "Yes, I’m quite alright for now." 

_Nothing_ about this was alright. Fuck. 

"Okay then. I’ll knock for dinner." 

"Same as always." Castiel agreed and turned his back to Dean as he walked over to his bathroom. 

Dean took the cue and quietly slipped out to stand just outside the room, confused as fuck.

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

  
  


Dean did his best to ignore his growling stomach as he and the other bodyguards stood silent vigil over their charges as they ate. The food smelled delicious and it didn’t help that Dean knew it was Boss’ head chef that had cooked it. Because that meant it _was_ delicious and fuck was he hungry.

Well over a month and a half of this now and Dean still hadn’t gotten used to stand and watch the household’s main people eat. It was just weird and he was certain they must be freaked out by it too. On the other hand, Castiel and Amara had basically grown up with bodyguards, if Dean had understood everything correctly. And besides, Dean was the only one actually watching the three people eat.

Azazel and Brady were both playing with their phones and had been doing so ever since Boss and Amara sat down. Maybe it was that there really was no threat here in Boss’ mansion or maybe it was that they were just shitty bodyguards. Dean didn’t want to find out either way. He was still new at this and he was fucking determined not to screw up. For all he knew, the other two guards could be baiting him to slip up.

"So what is it you _do_?"

Internally, Dean jerked to attention at the sound of Amara’s voice. Sure, he was great at keeping silent vigil but his attention to what was being said tended to slip. Alastair had always said that was what made Dean a good little soldier.

"I just," Castiel cleared his throat awkwardly and no shit, both Boss and Amara were staring intently at him. He put down his knife and fork. "I just sit by the stream and enjoy the weather."

Ah, so they were talking about Castiel’s almost daily excursions into the forest.

Amara snorted. "Sounds boring."

"It’s actually quite peaceful." Castiel countered in a soft tone and a faraway smile on his lips.

Dean smiled to himself. He had started to like standing out there too, just listening to the wind in the trees and the gurgling stream. His favorite part was on the way to and from the stream, though. Then Castiel would sometimes, quite out of the blue, point to a flower or some other plant and tell Dean some small tidbit about them. Castiel liked botany and Dean found that probably inappropriately adorable.

"You’re not alone, I take it?"

Dean frowned at Boss’ question. Was he asking to see if Dean was doing a bad job? Boss could be a smart-ass like that sometimes and Dean didn’t appreciate it being directed at him.

"Of course not." Castiel mumbled and looked down at his plate. "I have Dean with me."

Dean straightened at the mention of his name but no one turned to address him. Instead a leer spread over Boss’ face.

"Well then, as long as sitting around is _all_ you’re doing, I don’t see any problem with it."

Dean frowned again, this time in confusion. Amara looked between Castiel’s scandalized face and Boss’ smug smirk and then laughed outright.

"I would _never_ —" Castiel stuttered, making Amara laugh louder.

"Okay then." Boss smirked and turned back to his food.

What the fuck were they talking about? Castiel fleeing? That must be it. As long as Castiel was just sitting out there and not plotting his escape everything was peachy. Right?

"Now I wanna come too." Amara burst out suddenly, giving Dean a bad taste in his mouth with the mere notion.

Castiel hunched in on himself. "It’s not like that."

"Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t." Amara grinned and Dean could see Boss still smirking. What the hell kind of insider joke was this? "But I still wanna come, see what all the buzz is about."

"You wouldn’t like it."

"Don’t say that." Amara said airily. "I like nature or whatever too and—"

"You would be bored."

The whole dining room went quiet. Not a laughter, no cutlery clinking against the plates, no nothing. Castiel seemed to realize his mistake just a second too late and he looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

Amara rose and tossed her napkin on her plate. "Fine then." She said petulantly. "You can keep your forest. You’re probably right and it’s boring as fuck."

Shit. Dean cringed inwardly and hoped to high heavens this wouldn’t mean Boss would burn the forest down or something as fucked up as that. But everything was possible. Everyone knew that Amara was Boss’ little princess.

She stomped off, though, and Dean barely had time to catch Brady’s eye roll before they were out of the room. Boss stood up slowly and motioned for Castiel to stand up as well.

The second he did, though, Boss backhanded him so hard he almost fell to the floor. As it was he barely caught himself on the table and had just enough time to recover before Boss slapped him again.

Castiel went to his knees with the force of it and Dean could see that his lip had split. Boss’ hand was red and he was looking at Castiel with murderous intent. Dean’s every atom screamed at him to _take action! Protect!_ but what the fuck was protocol here? Dean was sworn to protect Castiel from physical harm but this was _Boss_ abusing him. Did Dean’s job description override Boss’ authority?

He took half a step towards the pair when Boss landed yet another blow but the look Azazel gave him stopped him dead in his tracks. Dean didn’t like the man but that didn’t mean he didn’t know what to do here. And Azazel was shaking his head minutely, clearly telling Dean to not get involved.

Dean swallowed hard and remained rooted to the spot. And then Castiel turned his fucking eyes over to Dean and holy fucking _shit_ , the man was begging for help. Dean’s stomach knotted uncomfortably and he was a second away from starting to move again when Boss grabbed Castiel by his shirt and hauled him to his feet.

"You do not deny her." Boss hissed in Castiel’s bruised face. "I didn’t marry her to your sorry ass for you to deny her _anything_. Do you understand, Castiel?"

Castiel swallowed and winced at his split lip. "I understand." He rasped and he sounded so resigned that Dean wanted to fucking weep.

Boss pushed him away as if disgusted and then exited swiftly, Azazel trailing after.

Dean hurried to Castiel’s side the moment the door to the dining room shut with an audible slam but when he reached out for the man Castiel brushed his hand away. Dean was confused until he met Castiel’s eyes. The betrayal and fury that lay in that glare made Dean draw back instantly.

Castiel got to his feet on his own and walked out on wobbly legs, leaving Dean to feel cold inside and he couldn’t even say why. He followed because he didn’t know what else to do. He felt like a dog who had been scolded by its master and it wasn’t a feeling he particularly enjoyed.

Castiel didn’t say a word to him and he didn’t even turn in his bedroom door to look at Dean like he had done sometimes before. Instead he just kicked it shut behind him and Dean was left alone in the corridor outside Castiel’s room.

  


*****

  


With how much time Dean spent watching Castiel and how little time he now got left to go out and hook up with someone it wasn’t all that surprising to him that his latest jerk-off sessions had ended up involving the man.

Sure, it made him uncomfortable to think about after but during it was the fucking bomb. Castiel was very handsome and after all the time spent in the forest mapping out the man’s features Dean had no problem recollecting them later. He was sure Castiel must be getting pretty fed up with Dean subtly staring at him like that all the time but he was determined to keep doing it until the man told him not to.

Thinking about Castiel while having his hand around his dick hadn’t been Dean’s plan for this evening, though. He was alone in his room, having watched some porn on his phone that sure was sexy and all, but couldn’t get him to the finish line.

So he had just been lying there, glancing at the porn with the sound muted and maybe the porno had featured a dark haired man, so what? That gave Dean’s mind no right to replace the man with Castiel.

Castiel’s thick hair, Castiel’s slim build, Castiel’s eyes. God-fucking-damnit, his _eyes_.

Dean closed his own and started pumping a little firmer. He bit his lower lip to keep from making too loud noises, knowing full well just how thin the walls were here. Sure, he had a lock on his door but some of these guys picked locks for a living and Dean would anyhow rather not deal with any humiliating jeers the next day.

But shit, just thinking about the glare Castiel had tossed Dean the other day revved Dean’s engine like nothing else. The reason for the glare still unsettled him a little, though. He had talked to Azazel after and the man had told Dean he had done the right thing not getting involved but Dean could feel it like a gnawing beneath his ribs. Felt how _wrong_ it had been. He was there for Castiel’s safety and now Castiel would probably feel like he wasn’t even safe in the house.

Come to think of it he probably already thought that.

Dean stopped stroking his dick and took a big breath, breathing out evenly and forcing disturbing thoughts from his mind. He could think about that later, right how his dick was red and leaking and fucking hurting.

Dean was a healthy man, he was used to jerk off at least once every other day, more so if he could manage it, and this whole bodyguard business was seriously interrupting that. Didn’t help that Castiel was attractive and Dean couldn’t have him.

Fuck, if Dean had met him in a bar or something he definitely would have hit that. But yeah, there was the whole straight-thing putting a damper on Dean’s plans, though. On the other hand, what if Castiel wasn’t straight? Could be bi. _Or_ could be one of those men that hadn’t figured out how awesome it could be with another man but who would be willing to try it. Fuck yeah.

Dean grinned and started stroking again. He rubbed his back against his bed to get more comfortable and locked his phone to toss it aside, completely immersing himself in the fantasy of turning Castiel from the straight and narrow.

Fuck, the man would probably be curious but nervous. Dean would definitely go down on him first chance he got. He had of course never seen Castiel without clothes but he looked like he was pretty trim. Like maybe he was into running or swimming? What if he would accept an offer to come jogging with Dean in the mornings?

Dean grunted before he managed to stop himself and he was barely conscious of it. His whole dick was slick with precome now and he loved the slippery feel of his foreskin all coated in precome and rolling over his sensitive head.

Would Castiel be circumcised or not?

Dean had been with both kinds of men and he liked it either way. Foreskin was awesome to tease, circumcision made for easy access. Dean couldn’t decide on what to imagine when he imagined sucking Castiel off so instead he settled for imagining the sounds the man would make.

Fucking hell, his voice would be all rough and raspy, Dean just knew it. And then there were those eyes again…

Sure, the smolder he had received the other day had been the wrong kind. Had been more anger, betrayal, and sadness. But in his aroused state Dean could easily imagine that kind of passion being turned into something else. Because if Castiel could look like _that_ when he was disappointed and sad, just think about what he would look like aroused.

Fuck.

Dean was basically fucking his hand now. He wished he had taken off his clothes because now he felt almost too warm and sweaty and fucking yes, his orgasm burned _right there_. His breath was coming in short gasps and he gripped the bed’s headboard with his other hand to gain leverage to fuck harder. Wished he was fucking a warm body, though.

His balls were tight and high and _fuckfuckfuck_ he didn’t have his tissues near at hand.

"Goddamnit." He growled and pushed up one last time before coming in fat spurts all over his chest. Hot blobs of white splashed on him and he groaned with his head flung back and images of Castiel out by the stream, sun in his hair and a small smile on his lips, flashed before Dean’s eyes. "Fuck yeah Cas."

It took Dean a good five minutes to calm down and then he immediately realized what he had done — masturbated to thoughts of Castiel, thinking about jogging with him like they were fucking friends or something, giving the man a _nickname_ — and he crashed so hard out of his post-orgasm bliss that his head hurt.

Who the hell knew bodyguarding could be so difficult? Sure, Dean spent a huge chunk of his time with the man but that didn’t have to mean Dean should start fantasizing about him. Or was Brady waiting to fuck Amara? Azazel pining over Boss?

Dean didn’t think so. Castiel was just handsome and Dean was in a dry spell. And anyway, he wasn’t _pining_ or something of the like. One fantasy didn’t mean anything.

"Just fucking dry, ‘s all." He muttered as he dragged himself over to his small bathroom for a quick shower. Dry as the Sahara.

  


*****

  


It was almost a week later when Amara turned to Castiel one evening after Boss had left them at the dinner table. She had this kind of smug smirk on her face that reminded Dean of the first time she had sort of seduced Castiel at the table. By the looks of it Castiel remembered it too.

As per usual Brady wasn’t paying the pair that much attention but Dean had his eyes laser focused on them and Castiel especially. A week later and Dean hadn’t jerked off to images of Castiel again but not a fucking day went by that he didn’t discover something new about the man that he diligently committed to memory. It had practically got the point where he wasn’t even complaining to Benny about his job arrangement anymore and he was starting to wonder how long it would take for his friend to notice and start asking questions.

What he saw now was the usual way Castiel tensed up when Amara looked at him like _that_ but Castiel’s eyes were sharper than usual.

"What?" he asked, hesitantly sure, but still a bit defiantly.

Boss slapping him around had made him shut down a little, going back to more like he had been before he had found that stream but it was clear to Dean that the man wasn’t broken. Just incredibly cautious. Dean just wished Castiel could trust him but didn’t blame him that he didn’t.

Amara leaned in and placed her hand on the back of Castiel’s head, playing idly with a few strands of his hair. Castiel didn’t move away but fuck he looked uncomfortable.

"Guess what arrived today?" she practically purred. Castiel frowned in confusion. "Oh you know, that _thing_ uncle promised to get us?"

All blood drained from Castiel’s face so fast that Dean was certain he was going to faint. So certain, in fact, that he had taken a step closer to the couple before he could stop himself. Fuck, that got Brady’s attention and he was watching now too. For some reason Dean didn’t want him seeing Castiel break down like this.

"Amara."

Dean turned his head away at Castiel’s pleading tone. He hated that they were supposed to stand here and hear stuff like this. He glared at Brady but the other man just raised his eyebrows at him and mouthed _what_.

"Yes, love." Amara cooed without any fucking love whatsoever in her tone. "Tonight you will give me what I want."

"I have given you everything already, please no more."

She rose abruptly enough that Dean’s hand automatically went to the small of his back where he had his gun strapped and hidden under his suit jacket. Well, fuck. He sure as hell wasn’t going to shoot her but that had been a kneejerk reaction to too fast movements in tense situations. Was Brady going to report him for it? He glanced at the other bodyguard but only found him looking at Amara and Castiel as if they were some kind of fucking soap opera.

Amara had gripped the back of Castiel’s head and pulled his head back by his hair.

"Have you, Castiel?" she hissed in his face. "Have you really given me _everything_?"

What kind of shit was this? Dean’s whole face was scrunched up in anger as the seconds dragged out when Castiel just met Amara’s glare. He looked so goddamn sad that Dean’s throat almost felt tight. What the fuck was it that Amara wanted and why couldn’t he just say no? Because then he would be of no use to Boss, Dean suspected. Castiel didn’t want to die and that was understandable but if Boss hurt him, like _really_ hurt him, wouldn’t Castiel’s dad say something about that?

Dean hated how fucking soft he had grown with this goddamn job. Before he could muse more about that, though, Castiel ripped his head out of Amara’s grip and stood up.

"Let’s just do this."

Watching the turn of emotions in Amara was scary. One moment she was a fucking bitch and the next second she clapped her hands together in delight and actually smiled at Castiel’s defeated face.

"Great! My room."

"Where else?"

"Don’t get snarky, Cassie."

They walked out of the dining room and of course Dean and Brady trailed after like the dogs they were. When they reached Amara’s room Castiel just walked in and didn’t look at Dean like he sometimes did. Sometimes it was with a kind of resignation and sometimes it was pleading, but ever since Dean hadn’t stopped Boss from hitting Castiel the man had stopped looking for Dean in these situations and it ate at Dean. Sure, they had gone back to making awkward small talk and when Meg and Ruby had been at the mansion earlier in the week Castiel had actually smiled at Meg and Dean’s banter.

But what little trust Dean had managed to gain was gone now and he cared more about that this time than when he first started this job. Cared more than he was comfortable with admitting.

As soon as the door shut Dean turned to Brady.

"What the fuck was that about?"

"What?"

"What do you mean, ‘what’?" Dean sneered. Brady yawned and stretched his arms above his head. "You were looking like it was the most interesting thing that’s happened since sliced bread, you know what I’m talking about."

Brady shrugged. "Dunno what you want me to say, man? It _was_ interesting, babysitting a broad like that doesn’t get more exciting. Doesn’t mean I know what it was about, though."

Dean believed him, Brady wasn’t perceptive enough to pick up on what was going on. Besides, Dean _was_ perceptive but he still hadn’t know what Amara and Castiel were talking about, despite Castiel knowing quite well. So perhaps just keeping tabs on your charge wasn’t enough.

Didn’t mean that this had to sit right with Dean, though. Didn’t mean that the itch between his shoulder blades went away. He wished Sam was here, if there was someone who would be able to figure this out it would have been Dean’s little brother. Then again, he wouldn’t want Sam within fifty feet of Boss, for a number of reasons. No, if Dean wanted to know what this was about he would have to do it in his own way.

Barely ten minutes later, Brady yawned again. "Hey man, I gotta go take a leak, you good here?"

It seemed fate was prepared to cut Dean some slack.

"Sure."

He nodded and made a show of leaning against the wall beside the small couch they sometimes sat on — and that Dean had seen Brady sleeping on, sometimes he wondered how the fuck Brady could still keep this job let alone his life.

Brady just nodded and walked off in the direction of the employee bathroom. Taking a leak wouldn’t take long and the bathroom was close so Dean gave himself at the most five minutes and deemed it long enough.

From what Dean had seen through the door and from what he knew about Boss’ living quarters Dean believed Amara’s to be bigger than Castiel’s. And if he was right there would be a small living room immediately inside the door and bathroom plus bedroom would be in adjoining rooms.

Of course, he couldn’t know if the pair inside had gone over to the bedroom or not and since the doors to the living quarters were practically soundproof he couldn’t listen by the door either. And since this wasn’t a 70’s movie the lock was too securely built for him to look through.

Good thing Dean hadn’t heard the lock turn when Amara closed the door, though. Castiel was usually the last one in, perhaps because he really didn’t want to go in or perhaps because he usually wanted to stare forlornly at Dean, but this time it had been Amara and she clearly didn’t have the modesty that Castiel had.

Dean didn’t think it was because she trusted him and Brady that much, though. Most likely she thought of them only as animals or lesser beings. In any case this was a good thing for Dean today because if he was right he would be able to just open the door and get inside. The problem of their whereabouts still remained, though. He suspected they were in the bedroom because he believed very firmly that whatever they were doing that was making Castiel so uncomfortable had something to do with sex.

After wasting almost thirty seconds deliberating on what to do he just shrugged and reached for the doorknob. If they were in the living room he would make up some bogus excuse on the fly. He was still considered new on this job and thought he could get away with it. What he would do with what he might find was another thing.

The second he turned the knob he decided that as long as Castiel wasn’t suffering from something life threatening there really wasn’t much he could do.

The door opened on silent hinges and Dean poked his head in real quick only to discover that the living room was empty. He slipped inside and had closed the door in the next heartbeat. The room inside was lush and untidy. Not unclean, just messy. To his right he saw what he judged to be a storage of some kind, going on what boxes he could see through the partially open door.

To his left was yet another slightly ajar door and from that direction he could hear sounds. He slid over, plush carpets making his already quiet steps even more silent. Dean loved carpets when he was on the job but he had none in his own living quarters.

The closer he got to the door the louder the sounds got and it was evident that it was Amara, enjoying the hell out of something. Dean counted the seconds in his head and thought he still had enough time, depending on how fast Brady was, of course. On the other hand, if his colleague got back before Dean got out he could always tell him Castiel had wanted him for something. Brady didn’t really worry him but he still counted the seconds.

The door to the bedroom opened towards Dean, making it harder to peek inside without being noticed from the angle he came in but he still managed a quick look. What little he had managed to see gave him enough to make him comfortable with looking again, for longer.

Amara was lying on her back on the bed, her head turned back, which was good or otherwise she probably would be able to see him. Her rump was on the edge of the bed and her legs rested over Castiel’s naked shoulders as the man kneeled between her legs and ate her out. Fuck, they had really jumped to it, hadn’t they?

But okay, other than them having sex there seemed to be nothing odd going on here. Amara was _clearly_ enjoying herself or she liked to tack on the fake moans, could be either one. And yeah, Dean couldn’t really see Castiel’s whole face but his toned body was flushed and his dick looked rock hard and was dribbling small blobs of precome. So yeah, good there.

Maybe they just pretended to be fighting or maybe them treating each other like that was part of their relationship. Could actually be that Castiel enjoyed being treated like he was. Maybe Dean was just overthinking everything.

Dean’s eyes lingered a little longer than necessary on Castiel but hey, he was a fucking good-looking man and Dean was starved for sex. Castiel had definitely been doing some kind of exercise before he got here. He didn’t have bulging muscles but his body was lean. Sharp hipbones, strong thighs that Dean realized with a heated flush he wanted squeezing his own waist.

And fuck, just looking at Castiel’s tongue licking Amara like that was…

Dean whipped around and exited the room as quietly as he had gotten in. Fuck.

He couldn’t be looking at Castiel like that; shouldn’t have gone in. Yeah, he was concerned that Castiel was mistreated but Dean was there for the safety of the man’s life, not his soul or mind. Besides, he had looked like he enjoyed the shit out of what he was doing so all good there.

Shit, Castiel was Dean’s _charge_ , and he was straight, and married to Boss’ niece. He couldn’t get more out of bounds than that. Still, it wasn’t like Dean was wanting something here. Only liked seeing Castiel naked, was all.

So yeah, good on Dean. What he had seen in there had put his mind at ease a little because Castiel had seemed to be doing okay. Plus, Dean gave himself permission to use what he had seen as spanking material for a while, that felt nice to admit to wanting. He probably wouldn’t be able to look Castiel in the eye for a couple of weeks but Castiel barely glanced at him as it was so Dean was pretty sure that would work out.

Yeah, by the time Brady came back from what had clearly been more than a leak Dean had worked himself into a pretty good mood. At least for his standards.

  
  


### 

  
  


Castiel lifted his head and looked at the door. It had almost looked like a shadow had been standing there but no, that couldn’t be right. Dean and Brady were watching the door, he was as safe as he was bound to get here.

Amara of course noticed immediately that he had stopped. She lifted her head and looked grumpily at him as he turned back to her and wiped his chin with the back of his hand.

"What is it?"

"Nothing." He mumbled. The drugs she had forced on him made him sluggish and he didn’t like it. "Just thought I saw something."

She looked thoughtful for a moment before reaching out to pick up the bottle of blue pills Crowley had gotten them. She read the label on the bottle as Castiel got to his feet.

"Hallucinations." She stated after a while and tossed the bottle to the side before smirking up at him. "Could happen."

"What were those?" his tongue felt too big for his mouth. He shouldn’t have taken the pills, of course he shouldn’t have. "Those weren’t Viagra."

She laughed out loud. "Did you think they were? You’re such an idiot, Cassie."

Well, he had assumed that that was what she had ordered and not five minutes after taking two of those pills — which were blue with a big V on them — his dick had been rock hard and aching like never before. So Viagra, right? On the other hand he had never taken Viagra before so he wasn’t entirely sure how they would work, or feel.

"Then…um…" he stumbled even though he hadn’t made to move. He leaned on the bed and Amara shimmied up on it to make room for him.

"What was it? I dunno their name. The bottle says Viagra but uncle said they weren’t. It’s a new brand his chemists are testing." She beckoned him closer and he wanted to move away but his body felt too heavy. He fell forward on his hands and knees instead, kneeling at the foot of the bed.

"You want a kid so much you’re willing to try a drug that might make my dick fall off? Then there’d be no kids." His mind was foggy and he didn’t feel any immediate fear but it was there, in the back of his mind. Who the hell knew what was in those pills?

Amara laughed again and dragged him up on the bed so that he was situated between her open legs.

"It won’t make your dick fall off."

"It feels like it."

"That’s just because you’re so horny." She cooed but sounded so condescending Castiel felt as if punched in the stomach. "Uncle told me that they work like Viagra but better. Did you know that with Viagra you have to have both friction and something that would actually stimulate you? It just helps with blood flow or whatever. _These_ pills make you hard no matter what. More like an aphrodisiac, I suppose. And just look at you," she reached down and squeezed his dick in her slender hand. "You’re absolutely gorgeous."

Castiel felt like he was having an outer body experience. Or inner body, perhaps. He felt trapped in his own body, felt like his sanity had been pushed back to the furthest recesses of his mind so that the rest of him could be controlled by this hungry beast. And the beast used him as it pleased.

Because while Castiel wanted to jerk back at her merest touch, his body thrust forward and he moaned brokenly at the gratifying friction.

Amara smirked at him and Castiel felt sick enough to vomit, and probably would have if it hadn’t been for how aroused he was. His whole body shuddered at the very conflicting emotions and sensations and that only made Amara smirk wider.

"I know _you_ don’t like this, Cassie." She murmured. "But your body sure does, just give in."

He was barely resisting as it was. Could barely think clearly enough to manage a response. She was stroking him now, pulling at his foreskin so that it almost covered all of his head before rolling it down again in languid strokes. It nearly felt gentle but one look on her face told Castiel that that wasn’t her intention. She was merely doing it that way because it seemed to amuse her.

His body was getting desperate, though, and he thrust abortively once, a small gasp stuttering out of him.

She looked up and almost looked coy for a moment. "I’ve only been with circumcised men. Is it normal in Russia for men to be like this?" she emphasized it by pulling on his foreskin. His hips jerked at the intimate feeling of her finger _inside_ his foreskin.

"I don’t know." He answered truthfully and hated how breathless he sounded. "I moved to the States when I was three."

She hummed thoughtfully before leaning over to her bedside table.

"Well I think it’s fun and I’ll definitely explore that another time." Castiel wanted to cry at the mention of this happening again. When she straightened she had a condom in her hand and she made short work of rolling it down on him. He stared incredulously at it and she snorted out a laugh. "You’ll give me a kid, Cassie, just not this time."

"Please Amara, must we go through this charade again?"

Her eyes hardened immediately and she slid down to lie completely beneath him.

"Are you really asking that when I have my whole hand smeared with your disgusting precome?"

"That’s the drugs." He whispered but was cut off when she grabbed his dick to guide him down and to her waiting hole.

"Whatever, Castiel. Stop being so fucking whiny, that’s not really attractive, you know?"

He wanted to argue that he wasn’t trying to be attractive for her, or anyone, but the feeling of his dick sliding inside her shut him up.

Instead he bowed his head to hide his face and the anguished expression he was sure painted his features. Because yes, this felt good on his dick and yes, his body wanted the release, but Castiel felt so _violated_ he knew he never would have been able to go through this under normal circumstances.

For all of the weeks he had spent here at Crowley’s mansion, Castiel’s libido had taken a serious toll and he had jerked off so few times he would barely need one hand to count the occasions. Once he had woken up from a wet dream he didn’t remember but attributed to how little self-love he had engaged in but that was it.

So no wonder that that combined with the drugs made his dick really appreciate the heat and wetness it was subjected to now. But Castiel’s spirit was almost breaking with what this meant to him. His whole body shook, both from forced arousal and from barely held back sobs.

He rested inside her for a moment, wanting to pull out more than anything but needing to come so much it hurt. And then Amara bucked up and he started moving inside her. In and out, like a robot and still with his head bowed to get out of looking at her. He wasn’t touching her more than necessary either. Both hands on the sheets and up on his hands and knees so that it was barely his pelvis and upper thighs that brushed her. He was so disgusted with where he had put his dick that he felt physically ill and only the drugs prevented that from taking over his arousal.

Amara, in contrast, was touching him a lot. Her hands were all over him and she wrapped her legs around him to try and coax him closer. She moaned and keened for him to go faster, harder, and he did, if only to get her to finish faster. He wanted to come but he would be more than happy to come by his own hand and in the relative safety of his own bathroom.

"Your technique fucking sucks but damn, your cock is _awesome_." Amara moaned and Castiel bit his lower lip.

Arousal flared from his groin and his balls felt tight enough to pop. He was very close to coming and he hated himself, even through the drug-induced fog. What would Balthazar say if he saw Castiel now? Fucking a woman and coming from it. He would laugh and be appalled at the same time, Castiel was sure.

He missed his old lover in that moment and his mind slipped to wonder what had happened to him. Castiel hadn’t _loved_ -loved him but there had been love between them and even though Castiel had had sex before Balthazar it had been the older man that had taught Castiel all the good tricks. He had also been the one to confirm Castiel’s suspicion that he actually liked bottoming more than topping.

The last time Castiel had seen his friend had been that night Pakhan had caught them having sex, just before Pakhan had locked Castiel up before selling him to Crowley. He still had nightmares about finding Balthazar’s corpse in a ditch but also knew that Pakhan’s assassins were too good for something like that. The last Castiel had seen of Balthazar had been the man’s naked back as he had run, head over heels, from the hotel room they had rented.

"I’m close." Amara moaned suddenly and brought Castiel crashing back to reality.

A reality where he was buried balls deep in a woman who not only threatened his right to exercise his sexuality but also his life. The reality where he was about to come inside the same woman.

At that moment he missed everything about his old life. His friends, brothers, his long-dead mother, Balthazar, hell he even missed Boris. Boris would have done anything Castiel asked him to. Would have snapped Amara in half. Because Boris was too stupid to know the difference between what his charges wanted and what Pakhan wanted.

Not like Dean, who clearly knew the boundaries. Even so, Castiel couldn’t help but feel a little bit safer when he knew Dean was around. If he told Dean the truth about this situation, would he help, though?

Would he come in here with his muscles bulging and emerald eyes gleaming with anger at the injustice? Would he raise his gun, confident and precise, and just plain shoot Amara? Would he save Castiel? Hold him tight and promise nothing bad would happen again? Would he kiss Castiel tenderly?

"Oh no." Castiel pressed out in a strangled groan as he slammed in one last time before his orgasm hit.

He kept grinding down on Amara as his balls emptied into the condom and it was the worst orgasm he had ever had. It barely felt satisfying. His dick still felt hard even several moments later and his balls still ached. And now there was this hollow feeling in his chest to accompany the itch under his skin.

Then suddenly Amara moaned and bucked against him, her inner walls clenching rhythmically and her nails raking down his back as she came around him. It should probably have felt good but Castiel’s mind was too jumbled for that to register.

She sighed contently moments later and sagged down on the bed. She was smiling slightly at him but he didn’t return it. Instead he sat back on his heels and looked with disgust down at his dick. The condom was clearly smeared with his come and his dick wasn’t as hard as before but he still felt just as groggy and he still wanted to come. Wanted a good fuck with a hard dick up his ass.

Her giggle pulled his attention away from his miserable dick.

"Well, that’s also one of the side-effects." She laughed and gestured at his dick. "You might be hard for a while. Have fun with that."

"What?"

It wasn’t as if he wanted her to touch him but was she really going to just leave him like this? Well, yes, and he should hurry the fuck out of there.

She disentangled herself from him and rolled to the side so she could snuggle up in her comforter.

"You can go take care of yourself, you’re a big fucking boy. Just, you know, tell someone if it hasn’t gone down in a couple of hours."

Oh God, that was an actual reality, wasn’t it? His dick could be stuck like this and they might have to take him to a doctor so they could make an incision to drain the blood and oh fuck…

The thoughts of what damage this could have done to his dick had him running for the bathroom and he was vomiting the moment he had the toilet lid up and out of the way.

The possible damage to his dick, the fact that he was still drugged, and the actually fucking _rape_ that had happened here made him both cry and vomit even more. It took a while for him to gather himself enough to stand up and wipe his face off. When he looked at himself in the mirror he almost started crying again. He looked like shit. At least this had made his erection flag a bit and he thought that if he took a cold shower it would probably go away completely.

"Don’t think about throwing away that disgusting condom in my bathroom."

He froze with his hand half-way to combing through his hair. He had to take a moment to gather himself before he walked out into the bedroom again.

"What?"

Amara snorted at him, probably finding him repulsive. "That condom. You can wear that until you get to your own room, I won’t have it here."

He just stared at her for a moment. Wanted to scream at her because what did it matter? The maids cleaned once a day and by this time tomorrow the condom would be gone with the rest of the trash. Before that, even. Plus, she was the one who had made him wear one and if he was so fucking disgusting, what was he even doing here?!

He took a deep breath so he wouldn’t start yelling for real. Instead he just stooped down to scoop up his clothes and went out to get dressed in the living room so he wouldn’t have to look at her and wouldn’t have to feel her eyes burning on his body.

Wrestling his still half-hard dick into his jeans wasn’t fun and was made worse by the fact that he didn’t want to touch the condom. It was covered in her juices and he hated that. Hated that it got on his hand and clothes. But he managed and didn’t even care how he looked like. Wild hair, pale face, dick almost tenting his jeans. No one would see but Brady and Dean anyway.

He paused by the door at the thought of Dean seeing him like this. And just like that the thoughts he had had just before coming came crashing back as well.

"God." He groaned and almost buried his face in his hands before he remembered that one had vomit on it and the other Amara’s juices. He stared at his hands for a moment, almost not wanting to touch the doorknob before he remembered that this was Amara’s room and fuck her.

The moment he stepped outside Dean jerked to attention. It looked like he had been on his way to smile but one look at Castiel’s face made that smile drop like a ton of bricks. Yes, that felt appropriate. Brady looked too but Castiel ignored him and just started walking to his own room.

Half-way there Dean obviously couldn’t contain himself any longer. He grabbed Castiel’s elbow gently and leaned in so they could speak more quietly.

"Hey, you okay?"

Castiel swallowed and twisted his arm out of Dean’s grip as gently as he could. Dean’s hand on him had felt unexpectedly nice but Castiel was revolting and didn’t deserve the tender touch. Not after what he had done and fantasized about.

"I’m fine."

"You’re clearly not."

"I said I’m fine, Dean."

When Castiel met Dean’s eyes the other man looked genuinely surprised at the outburst and maybe…maybe a little hurt? But Castiel couldn’t afford to think like that, not about Dean.

Instead he remained silent for the rest of the walk and thankfully so did Dean.

He stopped outside his room and gestured at the door. "Please open it for me." He didn’t want any filth on what was as close to his as it could be.

Dean raised an eyebrow at him in question but when Castiel offered no explanation he just reached over and opened the door.

"Come inside, the bathroom door too."

Dean followed obediently, even going so far as to close the outer door first. Well inside the bathroom Castiel walked over to the sink but hesitated by it. It would be easy to wash off the handle when he had cleaned his hands but he didn’t want to have to.

Before he had to make a decision, though, Dean stepped up and started the hot water for him. He jerked a little, not having realized Dean hadn’t left.

He blinked at the water and then looked up to meet Dean’s calculating but still somehow kind eyes.

"Thank you." He said softly and Dean nodded slowly.

"Anytime. I’ll be outside, okay?"

Castiel nodded too. "Okay."

He waited until he was sure Dean was outside in the corridor before he started washing his hands. It took a lot of scrubbing before he felt clean and internally he knew that that was more because of his state of mind than any real filth.

After that he practically ripped off his jeans and sweater before stepping inside the shower. He felt paranoid but he cleaned off the condom in the shower before he pulled it off his dick and tossed it in the sink for now.

His dick was still hard and getting more so with the rubbing he had done just now but at least Castiel’s mind felt clearer. Perhaps vomiting like that had saved him some trouble and he filed that information away for later. Because he was sure this nightmare would repeat itself and if he could get away easier by vomiting after he would do it.

Right now he gave himself a quick scrub down before he turned the water to almost too cold to stand and thankfully enough that killed the last of his erection. Thank _God_ for small mercies.

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

  
  


Barely three days after Castiel and Amara’s honestly disastrous consummating of their wedding Amara announced that she was taking Ruby on a trip to go wine tasting in Vermont. She was in a wonderful mood and Crowley seemed happy to make her happy. Castiel was just happy she didn’t even seem to consider forcing him to come with her.

No she just received her uncle’s blessing and danced out of the mansion a mere three hours after breakfast. Castiel kind of wanted to know if Meg was coming too and if she wasn’t, then why. He had an inkling that because he had befriended the girl, she was being ostracized by the other two but hoped he was wrong.

In any case he put it out of his mind the second Amara was well on her way to pick up Ruby. The mansion felt a bit less suffocating without her around and he took a moment to enjoy that. So far she hadn’t mention a repeat of their so called sex but he knew it was coming and he was dreading every minute spent in proximity to her.

That being said he started feeling like he had to get out of the mansion and he was unsure if the forest he and Dean usually went to would suffice.

Dean.

That was something else Castiel had been thinking about these past few days. Dean was like this constant shadow that followed Castiel around but somehow he managed to be much more. Castiel had grown up with bodyguards and he had had Boris ever since he had entered his late twenties but neither of them could compare to Dean and Castiel didn’t even know why. Most likely he thought it was Dean’s charm, which had led to Castiel opening up a little to the man, that attributed to the difference.

When Castiel talked, Dean listened. And honestly, Castiel had never wanted to talk to his bodyguards before. Maybe it was because Dean in reality wasn’t a bodyguard but a hit man — Amara had unceremoniously informed him as if that would scare him — that made him act differently.

Whatever it was Castiel felt badly about how he had treated the man. He had been short with Dean ever since that time when Crowley had struck him and Dean hadn’t stepped in-between. Objectively, Castiel knew why Dean hadn’t done it but on a personal level he hated it. It had felt like he and Dean had almost become friends but then that had happened and it had reminded Castiel that he in fact had no friends and maybe never would again. It had made him very upset but it was wrong of him to take it out on Dean, he knew that.

And then there was that whole business that Castiel had been thinking about while sleeping with Amara and how Dean had acted when Castiel had been distressed afterward. That made Castiel believe Dean was a really good person and Castiel felt like he had really wronged the man.

And if there was something Castiel needed right now, it was a friend, even if it was a fake one. So if Amara was taking her friend for a trip, why couldn’t Castiel? It would probably do them both some good to get out of the mansion.

This kind of reasoning was how he found himself in Crowley’s office, being stared down by the older man as he all but asked permission to just please get out of there for only a few hours.

"New York, you say?"

Castiel dearly missed the inner city.

He shrugged. "I’m starting to feel restless."

Crowley chuckled. "I bet." He bent over to rummage through one of his desk drawers. "You are not a prisoner here, Castiel. Of course you can leave but," he straightened with an envelope in his hand. "There are conditions."

"Naturally." Crowley could claim Castiel wasn’t a prisoner all he liked and the nuances were fine but firm enough that Castiel knew the truth.

Crowley looked at him with eyes that told Castiel the man didn’t like sass and Castiel pressed his lips together in a thin line.

"First, you will not go alone. Your bodyguard will be with you."

"Wouldn’t have it any other way." Yes, Dean worked for Crowley, but he also meant safety. For now.

"You will be home at seven, latest. I’m not having supper later than that and you will be home for that. You also will not engage in any… _seedy_ business."

Castiel almost wanted to roll his eyes but Crowley was already grinning and Castiel didn’t want to give the man the satisfaction.

"I will not solicit sex and tarnish Amara’s, or your, reputation."

"Careful." Crowley muttered but looked like he enjoyed the banter more than he had a minute ago. He put the envelope on his desk and slid it over to Castiel. "This is $500 cash for pocket money. In there is also a credit card with a $5000 cap. This is all you get for now and you should know that everything you buy with the card gets logged and I _will_ check it later."

Castiel stared at the manila envelope with slightly rounded eyes. Sure, with Pakhan he had had no cap on his spending budget but here he hadn’t even expected getting any money at all. If anything he had only wanted to get out of the mansion and maybe have a quiet walk in Central Park. This…this was unexpectedly nice.

"This…it’s not—"

Crowley held up a hand. "I know you’re used to much more. Your Pakhan probably spoiled you rotten but this is all you get for now. Behave and I might increase the card’s limit."

Well, no point in arguing a good thing. Castiel just grabbed the envelope and cradled it in his lap.

"I’ll need a car."

Crowley really did roll his eyes. "No, I expected you to walk." He shook his head like Castiel was dumb and totally hadn’t hinted at wanting a car instead of a taxi but whatever.

"And a driver."

Crowley was already turning back to the papers he had been looking over when Azazel had let Castiel in.

"You won’t need one."

"But…I don’t know how to drive."

The way Crowley looked at him made Castiel want to hide in shame. Like he was a little boy who couldn’t even wipe his own bottom. Maybe that wasn’t so far from the truth either and it made him blush.

"You’ll have Dean. Trust me when I say that boy can drive."

"Oh." Now Castiel felt really stupid. To avoid further embarrassment he just rose from his seat and exited the office with his envelope pressed to his chest.

Outside Dean was standing to attention like usual and Castiel took comfort in that. All the other bodyguards around here were always slouched and looked bored out of their minds. Dean always looked alert and ready and Castiel appreciated that. Ever since he had had sex with Amara, it also made him flush red when Dean’s piercing eyes landed on him. As if the man could somehow see what Castiel had been thinking about.

Maybe it was because Dean was relatively new as a bodyguard and still hadn’t come to the bored state of the job or maybe it was because Dean was just always very alert on his assignments, Castiel didn’t know. Just knew it made him feel safer and now also made him blush.

He started walking away and Dean fell in naturally just two steps behind him, as if he had always been there. Castiel thought he was being ridiculous.

He waited until they were in the main hall until he stopped and turned to Dean.

"Today we’re going to New York."

Dean hid his surprise well but they had spent a lot of time together out in the forest and Castiel enjoyed watching Dean’s eyes for the minute shifts in his emotions.

"Okay."

Castiel nodded. "I have cleared everything with Crowley, he said you could drive?"

Dean nodded. "Sure. Give me ten minutes and I’ll have a car pulled up at the entrance."

Castiel looked down at his manila envelope. "That’s good. I just have to change and…put this somewhere."

Dean frowned in confusion. "What is it?"

That was too forward of a bodyguard to ask but Castiel didn’t mind. "Crowley gave me spending money but I don’t have a wallet. I…I didn’t think I would need one when I packed to come here."

Dean’s eyes softened but it didn’t look condescending at all. "Just put it in your pocket for now and buy one when you get to town."

Castiel nodded. "Yes. Yes, I’ll…do that." He met Dean’s eyes and almost startled at how intensely the man was looking at him. What? He hadn’t said anything stupid, had he? "I’ll meet you in ten."

Dean gave a curt nod and walked out the front door while Castiel went up to his room to find fitting clothes. It took him more than ten minutes but when he finally walked out of the mansion Dean was waiting patiently by a big black SUV.

He was still in the same suit Crowley made all the household guards wear but now he also had on a pair of aviators and okay, that did nothing good to Castiel’s attempts at quelling the unexpected butterflies he sometimes got when he looked at the man.

Dean _was_ very handsome and there was no denying that. But thinking that objectively was one thing, thinking about the man kissing him while he was balls deep in Amara was completely different. That little slip up had thrown him for a loop even worse than that one time he had had to masturbate after he had thought about Dean peeing in the forest. _That_ had been one of his more embarrassing moments and so had that debacle with Amara the other day but even though both had involved Dean it somehow didn’t stop him from appreciating the view as he walked down the stairs to the car.

And it didn’t help that Dean turned to him and actually _smiled_ when he saw him. Damn the man looked good.

"You ready?" Dean asked when Castiel joined him and of course he had to go and open the door for him when he nodded.

Castiel smiled and slid into the backseat. Dean closed the door before walking around the car and getting in on the driver side. Castiel had barely buckled in before Dean turned to him. He smiled again and held out a wallet that was more faded grey than black.

"What’s this?" Castiel asked and cautiously accepted it. He turned it over in his hands and found it empty when he opened it.

"I just thought you’d want somewhere to put your stuff before you can get a wallet of your own." There was a dusting of pink on Dean’s cheeks when he turned back to face the front. He fiddled with the rear view mirror when Castiel just stared at him. "I know it’s worn out and stuff but it’s just for a few hours."

"Is this yours?"

Dean shrugged. "An old one, I was gonna throw it away but I thought you could use it."

A dangerous feeling bloomed inside Castiel, warming his chest and making him smile down at the tattered piece of fake leather.

"Thank you, Dean."

"Don’t sweat it, man." He started the car and Castiel got a fleeting feeling of freedom as soon as they were moving away from the mansion. "Hey, d’you mind if I turn on some music?"

"It’s fine."

What was even better was how Dean sang along to the songs. Loud and confident and with a pleased grin every time he made Castiel laugh.

  
  


### 

  
  


Castiel made Dean find a parking spot adjacent to Rockefeller Center and Dean would have been irritated by that if it hadn’t been for the happy smile on the other man’s face. It was clear Castiel liked inner city New York and Dean thought it was nice to see him smile widely for once.

Castiel rarely smiled like this and certainly not in the last few days. Whatever had happened between Dean watching Amara and Castiel together and Castiel coming out of that room hadn’t been nice and had upset the man so much that Dean had spent that night tossing restlessly. He really should talk to Guthrie or _someone_.

Because honestly? Even if Amara and Castiel were just fake fighting in public or if most of their sex was angry sex, there was really no reason for Castiel to fake being _that_ upset after. And Dean really didn’t think Castiel had been faking it either. He had looked and kind of smelled like he had been vomiting. And the way he had just been staring at his sink as if he couldn’t remember how the faucet worked had kind of spooked Dean.

Dean had mentioned to Benny later that night when they were alone that he didn’t think Castiel was feeling so hot. Benny had looked serious but had also told Dean that no one would feel great in Castiel’s shoes. Maybe he just needed time to adjust? It was a fair point but Dean was having problems believing Amara gave Castiel enough time to actually adjust very well. He wished there was something he could do but couldn’t think of anything and couldn’t even justify to himself why he would want to bother.

So all in all that made him feel bad but looking at Castiel now as they walked down the street to a bookstore Castiel wanted to visit, Dean started feeling better.

Away from the mansion Castiel looked livelier and the unexpected heat outside had put a nice rosy shade on the man’s cheeks. Dean liked this side of Castiel. He had only seen glimpses of it when they had been out in the forest but it shone through Castiel’s protective barrier now. And that was perhaps the only reason Dean wasn’t bored out of his mind when Castiel took his sweet time picking out books for himself. A few were about flowers and insects and whole hell of a lot more were fiction.

Castiel was beaming so much at the cashier that Dean couldn’t help but smile at him when he held up the door for the man as they left.

"Where to now?"

Castiel was looking down at his books as if they had been made for his happiness and no one else’s.

"I don’t know. Are you hungry?"

"I could eat." Dean could always eat but he didn’t have to say that. Not when Castiel looked so pleased with his answer.

"Come on, I know a place that serves _great_ burgers."

Dean was no stranger to New York and he knew quite a few places himself but he only nodded and let Castiel take the lead. Honestly he was just so surprised with this new revelation. And not the revelation that Castiel liked burgers but how happy that knowledge made Dean. As if what Castiel ate mattered to Dean. Guess he had been more shaken up by how Castiel had looked the other day than he thought.

It turned out that the place Castiel wanted to eat at was actually Dean’s second most favorite restaurant when it came to burgers so Dean was pretty damn happy about that. And conversation over their meal flowed easily too. Castiel was much more relaxed out of the mansion and the difference was palpable. Dean held no illusions that Castiel would revert back to how he usually acted once they got back to the mansion but it was nice to see that the other side of the man he had glimpsed before was actually a much bigger part of Castiel’s personality.

After their burgers they wandered aimlessly for a while because Castiel wanted to give the food a chance to settle. Dean saw no problems with that and while Castiel insisted on feeding a couple of pigeons a hot dog bun he bought from a cart, Dean busied himself with checking his phone and reporting in to Guthrie. It felt like spying on Castiel but Guthrie assured him that that wasn’t the case. They did this for all of their charges so help could arrive faster if needed. Dean still felt watched and the feeling unsettled him.

"Where do you want to go next?"

Dean blinked at Castiel and the man tilted his head to the side. "Me? Where do you want to go?"

Castiel quirked his lips in a secret little smile. "I know you must feel just as cooped up as me, Dean. You have to stand inside that house all day long and that is partially my fault. Is there really nowhere you wish to go?"

Not really but it made Dean feel uneasy that Castiel felt guilty about Dean having to follow him around. He hadn’t asked for any of it. So instead of saying no he shrugged and pointed at a nearby Niketown store.

"I could use a new pair of sneakers for when I go jogging."

Castiel inclined his head in acceptance and they started walking over to the store. "You jog?"

Dean laughed almost nervously. "Not really. I mean, I do it because I need to stay fit and I don’t have time for much else but I don’t really like it."

"Oh."

Dean immediately felt bad when he realized how his words must have sounded. "But it’s fine. It’s nice in the mornings, you should join me." Why the fuck had he said that? "I mean, when I was younger I sometimes jogged with my brother, he was a real health nut, and it was nice with company."

"You had a brother?"

Oh _fuck_ Dean’s big fucking mouth.

"I, uh, I _have_ a brother." Shouldn’t have said that. Should have pretended Sam was dead.

"Oh, I just thought…you said _was_ but I guess you could have meant that he’s not that healthy anymore and…"

It was unexpectedly cute how Castiel floundered and Dean needed to veer the fuck off this topic.

"We don’t speak anymore." Not that Dean didn’t want to but whatever.

"I’m sorry." Castiel really sounded it too and Dean was gearing up to brush it off when they walked into the store and Castiel apparently decided to change the topic, thank fucking God. "I think I would like to try jogging."

"Yeah?"

They stopped for a moment to orient themselves in the unfamiliar store but not long enough for the employees to catch them. Dean also took a moment to scour out the exits and surveillance. Seemed standard just like at the bookstore and restaurant.

"I used to swim before…before I got here. I’m starting to feel the need to exercise again."

Dean had a feeling that that "before" had been about something else than just him coming to live with Amara and Boss but like Castiel had gracefully avoided the topic of Dean’s brother Dean decided to avoid this for now.

"Yeah, you’d think for all that space Boss would have had a pool installed ages ago."

Castiel quirked his lips just as they stopped by the shoes. "That would have been nice."

Holy shit these shoes were pricey. Dean was already looking for the discount shelves. Boss paid Dean okay but not great but that was usually not a problem since Dean’s living quarters and food was included in that pay.

"You should convince Amara how great sex in water can be. You’ll have a pool in no time."

"I would never."

Dean turned around at the unexpectedly dark tone and found Castiel looking furious as he stared at the shelf in front of him. Shit, the man really didn’t like Amara, did he?

"That’s okay." Dean said and tried to sound jovial but probably failed. "Just thinking about the logistics of it takes away the fun anyway."

"But I suppose you’re right." Castiel continued as if Dean hadn’t said anything. He was still staring at some shoes and it looked like he was trying to set them on fire with the power of his mind. "I could just sell myself for a pool; it would certainly be the fastest way. It’s not like I haven’t done worse."

Fuck. Dean felt _really_ fucking bad about what he had said and honestly about everything in general. He stepped closer to Castiel and wanted to put a hand on the man’s arm but remembered the last time he had done that and how it had felt to be brushed off.

"I didn’t mean it like that." He said softly and Castiel turned to him. The second their eyes met all the fight seemed to slip out of Castiel and he looked at Dean with tired eyes.

"It’s okay, Dean. I know I’m a kept man."

"Shit, Cas. It’s not like you’re a slave or anything."

"It’s not?"

The absolute deadpan way Castiel asked that question made Dean swallow hard and he had absolutely fucking nothing to say to that. Castiel just met his eyes evenly before sighing and turning away.

  


Needless to say, shopping after that had felt strained and depressing as fuck and as soon as they were out of the store it became a unanimous decision to just go home again. Or as close to a home as any of them had at the moment.

It wasn’t until Dean was pulling up outside the mansion that he realized Castiel hadn’t bought a new wallet and he wished he had known what to say to make their mood better because it was still pretty early and fuck, Castiel surely hadn’t wanted to get back here just yet.

And yet, here they were. Dean’s insides twisted and he spun around in his seat to look at Castiel who was just looking down at his lap where he had the bag from the book store.

"Hey, for what it’s worth I’m sorry, Cas."

Castiel quirked his lips slightly and Dean only then realized he had used the nickname for the second fucking time. It rolled off his tongue so easily and Castiel looked fondly at Dean for the first time.

"It could be worse, Dean."

Somehow that didn’t comfort Dean at all.

  
  


### 

  
  


Three days later Amara still hadn’t returned but Castiel knew she was bound to get back either this evening or the day after and he dreaded her return. He couldn’t be sure, of course, but he was rather certain she would want to have sex again and he wasn’t completely sure he would be able to handle that so soon.

He had managed to drown his erection in a cold shower but it had returned with a vengeance every morning since and he didn’t like it. He wanted to be able to indulge in self-love and make himself feel good by just releasing that goddamn tension but there was a psychological block and he didn’t know if he hated that more than he hated what the drugs had done to him.

At least he presumed it had to do with the drugs because if it wasn’t he didn’t know what would prompt that kind of reaction from his body. Expect that he maybe hadn’t had a good lay in too long but no, his mind still felt too raw for that to be a possibility. He felt weak and hated that more than anything.

At least his little trip with Dean to New York had been calming, even if it had ended on a low note. He knew he was to blame for that because Dean had been nothing but jovial but Castiel hadn’t been able to help himself. There was just something with Dean’s whole person that made Castiel want to open up. It was concerning and pleasant at the same time.

Things had been a little awkward between them since that trip and that, too, was Castiel’s fault. Dean was obviously trying to gauge if Castiel was okay or not and Castiel was avoiding that like the plague. Because he wasn’t okay but at the same time he didn’t want to upset Dean.

Castiel just felt all-round shitty right now and maybe that was what tempted him to make bad decision for himself.

  


Crowley was leaned back in one of the plush wing chairs in the mansion’s den, sipping some kind of whisky from a tumbler and looking all kinds of content. Castiel’s own tumbler stood on a small table between them, whisky untouched, and he was staring into an unlit fireplace, feeling more bored than uncomfortable.

He supposed Crowley could feel lonely once in a while like any normal person but Castiel hadn’t exactly accepted his invitation out of the goodness of his heart. He wished Dean and Azazel had been stationed inside the room, at least, so the atmosphere wouldn’t feel so suffocating with just the two of them in the big room.

"I’ve been talking to your Pakhan." Crowley said suddenly and Castiel wanted to correct the horrid grammar but didn’t see the point.

"I trust he’s well." Castiel answered in a flat voice, eyes still on the fireplace.

Crowley hummed. "He had some choice words to say about you, he’s really not selling you well."

"And yet you bought me."

Crowley chuckled darkly. The muscles on Castiel’s face twitched as if he was about to sneer but he managed not to.

"I suppose he wanted an update to see that you’ve fulfilled his part of the bargain and you don’t have to worry, I told him you’re doing wonderfully."

Castiel didn’t want to admit it but that actually made him relax a bit. Crowley didn’t frighten him but Pakhan did so this was good. Good to know Pakhan wouldn’t send his hit men after Castiel. The security here was tight but from Castiel’s experience it wasn’t tight enough. Not for Pakhan’s men and definitely not in the dead of night. He knew logically that Dean had to sleep but that Castiel’s door was left unguarded in the middle of the night had worried him since day one.

"That’s good." He mumbled and laced his fingers together in his lap.

"Yes. I even heard from Amara that the drugs were highly effective on you, that’s fantastic news."

Castiel closed his eyes momentarily and allowed himself a moment to feel the utterly disgusted shame that washed over him.

"She told you that? What don’t you know?"

"There is nothing I don’t know, Castiel." Crowley said with a soft tone that wasn’t comforting at all. "For instance, I also know that she put a condom on you. She had a very compelling argument for why but you have to know that I won’t allow it for much longer."

"Of course not." God, were they really having this conversation? Suddenly Castiel felt like drinking but what was in his little tumbler wouldn’t be enough. He suddenly wanted the whole bottle. "You should know that I’m not denying her, though. I would rather have a child sooner than later."

Crowley hummed and put down his empty glass. "Because you think it will be over when you have produced an offspring, correct? You have to know that she will keep coming at you." Why did he have to sound so amused? "And who knows, maybe you’ll start liking it?"

A full-body shudder went through Castiel before he could stop it. "I highly doubt it."

"Come now, angel." Crowley said mockingly. "She’s not ugly, are you that much of a cockslut?"

Castiel whipped around to glare at the older man. "It’s not about that."

Crowley waved a hand. "Yes, of course, she’s a horrible person and all that. Didn’t take you for a romantic, Cassie."

"Amara calls me Cassie."

Crowley quirked an eyebrow at him and Castiel couldn’t blame the man. He himself didn’t know where that had come from.

"And what would you have me call you, then? Cas? Or no, that would just make you think of Dean, wouldn’t it?" he grinned like a goddamn Cheshire cat when Castiel looked down at the floor. "Don’t think I haven’t heard it. Tell me, when did that familiarity start?"

He wanted to say it started a few days ago because Dean always called him by his full name before their trip but he supposed it had started before that. Maybe even when they started going into the forest together. Goddamnit, the longer he stayed quiet the smugger Crowley looked. Castiel just wanted to punch him.

"Cassie is fine."

Crowley chuckled again. "I honestly don’t care, _Castiel_. As long as you’re keeping Amara happy and give me an heir I don’t care who you fuck."

"It’s not like that." Castiel hissed in an icy tone.

Yes, Dean was handsome and yes, Castiel would very much like to be held in Dean’s strong arms. He had come to terms with what he had fantasized about when he had slept with Amara and he knew he would probably do so again, but it didn’t _mean_ anything.

"Whatever, Castiel. I knew what I bought when I negotiated with Pakhan and honestly that was one of the selling points for me."

"Really?" Castiel asked dryly. "Considering you were marrying me to your _niece_ I would have thought me being gay would be a downside."

"Please." Crowley snorted and fished out the whisky bottle from under the table. He added an unhealthy amount to his own tumbler and then raised his eyebrow disapprovingly at Castiel’s before he put away the bottle. "Did you think I was picking you for Amara only?"

Castiel frowned and looked back at the fireplace. "Pakhan told me that I had bought him the drug contracts for Brooklyn and Queens. And that you would have an heir out of me as a reward."

Crowley scoffed. "For years your Pakhan and I have fought over inner city New York. Manhattan will still be a battlefield but we agreed to that now. Did you know I had a brother?"

Castiel turned back to the man, confused by the change in topic. "Of course, Amara’s father."

Crowley nodded. "Dreadful man. Absolutely horrid, but he did have one redeeming quality. He had a daughter."

Castiel frowned. "Amara?"

"Yes. You see, when I die I need someone to take over after me. I have worked hard my whole life to build my imperium and someone has to take over or it will have been for naught, I can’t have that."

Castiel rolled his eyes. "How convenient for you, then, that Amara’s parents just _happened_ to die."

Crowley smirked widely. "Wasn’t it?"

Castiel had suspected something like this for a while. In families like Crowley’s and Castiel’s not much was left to coincidence. If Crowley thought he would scare Castiel by admitting to his brother’s murder then he was sorely mistaken.

"You know some of the servants suspect Amara of being the one to kill her parents?"

Crowley shrugged and took a sip of his whisky. "Let them gossip, poor things don’t have anything better to do with their miserable lives anyway."

Castiel hummed and looked down at his hands. "Riddle me this, then. With Amara being a blood-relative, what do you need me to get her pregnant for? You have your heir already with her."

Crowley surprised Castiel by out-right laughing at that. He barked out a short laugh that made Castiel jerk in his chair and he turned big, round eyes on the other man.

"Amara? In charge?" Crowley chuckled and took another sip. "I wouldn’t trust that airhead with her own life."

Castiel looked incredulously at the man. He had always gotten the distinct impression that Crowley really loved Amara but the way he talked about her now was with nothing but contempt.

"She’s just a vessel to you." It was a question but he couldn’t honestly say how it had come out.

"Yes. I need a child of my own to raise to my liking but I don’t fancy having to deal with acquiring one. Much easier to have her provide me."

"You…killed your own brother to have his daughter’s child belong to you?"

"It all sounds needlessly complicated when you say it with that tone."

What tone? Incredulous? Stunned? Disgusted?

"And then you just needed a man to impregnate her?"

Crowley shrugged. "And amuse her. I can’t deal with her goddamn antics all day long, I swear she’s the most annoying person I’ve ever met."

"So…I was…"

"Convenient?" Crowley grinned at him. A dark little grin that made Castiel’s insides twist. "Yes. She took a fancy to you immediately and when we were told of your _deviances_ , as Pakhan put it, she thought it would be even funnier to ‘break you in’. Her words."

Castiel nodded and looked away again, feeling numb for a reason he couldn’t name. He had known it was like this, deep down. Well, not exactly about what Crowley thought of Amara, that was still a surprise, but how Pakhan talked about him. The utter disgust on the man’s face had been enough of an answer for that. All Castiel had seen in that moment had been his father being revolted with him and he had felt like a misbehaving child again. Still did whenever he thought about it.

"When you are done…when she has given you a child, will you…? Is she going to live to see it grow up?"

Crowley smacked his lips. "We’ll see. It would perhaps be good for the child but it could also turn it against me. Plus, if she’s around then I’ll have to keep her entertained and that’s just…" he sighed deeply. "We’ll see."

Castiel hadn’t thought it would be possible for him to feel any number but now he felt as if his insides were hollowed out. He didn’t care in the slightest about Amara but Crowley’s answer had raised another question. What would happen to Castiel when he had done his part? Stay here forever and be Amara’s plaything wasn’t a life he wanted but he would still be alive and he still wanted that. He supposed that his will to live might dwindle with time but so far it was going strong. And now it seemed that his time was ticking by faster than he had thought.

"Then…" he _had to_ ask. Just had to. "Then I won’t…?"

Crowley chuckled yet again. Castiel must seem like an amusing fool to him.

"You’re worried that as soon as she’s pregnant I’ll off you. I would be too but let me elaborate on my thoughts, Castiel." He put down his tumbler on the table and it was empty again. Castiel turned his head to face the man. "Pakhan and I made the following deal; he got Brooklyn and Queens and I got Jersey. In exchange for _only_ getting Jersey I was given you and therefore an opportunity to get an heir. Problem is," Crowley leaned against the armrest closest to Castiel. "Having only Jersey isn’t really enough for me. Just think of all the juicy money Pakhan is going to make and that I’ll miss out on. I mean, _Jersey_."

Castiel frowned. "And yet you said yes."

Crowley nodded. "I did." He looked Castiel up and down as best he could while they were sitting down. "I took one look at you and changed my mind."

"What…?" Castiel didn’t know why but he blushed unpleasantly under the older man’s scrutinizing eyes.

"My spies had told me about Pakhan’s disowned son and I knew he would be very willing to get rid of you. So from his standpoint he got two contracts _and_ the problem that was you was taken care of. Meanwhile I only got one contract and one heir. To some it would seem like I lost, wouldn’t it?"

Castiel swallowed. He had never been very interested in Pakhan’s business and he hadn’t shown affinity to it either but he was far from stupid. And the way Crowley was looking at him right now was pretty telling too.

"You’ll let me live…"

" _If_ you prove worth my time, yes."

Castiel swallowed again, harder this time. Shame was filling him but also a single-minded determination. It was the one thing he had promised himself. Live, if not for himself then to spite Pakhan.

He nodded once.

"Spectacular." Crowley crooned. Castiel shut his eyes momentarily. "And don’t see it as just serving me, you’ll be getting a good dicking too, that has to be worth something."

"My self-respect?"

Crowley snorted. "Please, you locked away your self-respect the moment you went down on Amara, don’t bloody tell me otherwise."

He wasn’t wrong. Still, when Castiel looked at Crowley he couldn’t hide the despise in his eyes but the other man only seemed to bask in it.

"Amara can’t know about this." That would just be horrible. She would never stop mocking him. "No one can." _Dean._

"Of course not." Crowley scoffed. "Do you think I want to deal with her screeching? Now come here." He gestured to his lap and Castiel frowned.

"Now?"

"No time like the present, darling. Or did you think I invited you here for the tantalizing conversations?" Crowley grinned and he was already unbuckling his belt. "Don’t tell me you haven’t been longing for a cock up your ass. With the whoring around you did before Pakhan found out about it, I’d thought you ought to be starving for it by now. Not to mention the drugs, they’re probably still simmering around in your system."

He wasn’t wrong about this either and Castiel hated himself for rising to his feet and unbuttoning the first couple of buttons on his shirt.

"Please don’t talk like that."

"I’m not going to be sweet on you." Crowley growled and Castiel walked over to him all the same. "You’re just a bitch and you’d do well to remember that."

"Oh believe me." Castiel muttered as he sank to his knees in front of the older man. "I will never forget my place."

  


*****

  


Later the same evening Amara still hadn’t returned and Castiel was happy for the respite. Just facing Dean after what he and Crowley had done in the den had been draining enough for Castiel’s tired soul.

Of course, Dean had been standing outside the doors with Azazel the whole time, completely oblivious to how Castiel had been thoroughly fucked on the sofa. And God help him but he had come so _hard_. Had been begging for harder, faster, all the while Crowley had panted and mocked him and obliged. Castiel felt drained.

Dean had seen something, though, Castiel was sure. Because the moment he opened the door Dean had looked at him and had actually seemed pleased to see him for about half a second before concern had taken over. Castiel didn’t know why but he hadn’t been able to meet Dean’s eyes and had just walked up to his room, Dean following silently all the way until Castiel had shut the door in his face.

Maybe it had been the shame for how his body had reacted to Crowley’s all but gentle touches? Castiel didn’t normally like it when sex was too rough but he had been too starved for it to care. Was he that much of a whore after all? He _had_ had some sex since he moved in here, just not with a man. The difference was too big for him to put to words.

He had wanted to hate it because he felt as forced with Crowley — no matter how willing his body was with the man — as he did with Amara but the truth was that it had felt pleasantly cleansing for a while. Until he had remembered what the sex had been about and then he had crashed and crashed hard from his afterglow. And it hadn’t been like Crowley was willing to deal with Castiel’s shit after he had been done pumping the condom full of his hot come.

So Castiel had fled and there of course had been Dean. Maybe he had such a hard time looking Dean in the eyes because he had fantasized about the man during sex again? Castiel liked sex that meant something. Even with Balthazar there had been love even if it hadn’t been romantic love. Castiel had felt safe and wanted. With Crowley he felt like a toy. It had been easy to replace cruel Crowley with kind Dean in his mind. Had been even easier considering that Crowley had taken him from behind. Oh God, if Dean knew what Castiel’s desperate mind had conjured up he would never look at him the same again.

So he had fled from that too and had holed up in his bathroom. He felt dirty and disgusting and a warm bath was the best thing he could think of to solve that. So here he was, his head propped up against the edge of his more-than-big-enough tub, soaking in warm water and starting to feel drowsy.

He played idly with the water, small splishy-splash sounds echoing in the otherwise empty bathroom. He wished he had some music to drain out the thunderous silence. Silence made him think and that was the furthest from what he wanted to do right now.

Because was this really his life? Would he continue to please a woman that made him do drugs to have sex with her and then turn around only to fuck her uncle to get at least some satisfaction? And do it all only to stay alive.

He wanted to spite Pakhan, that was true, but was that reason enough?

He sighed and watched the water ripple a little from the gust of breath. He hadn’t thought the hopelessness would set in quite so early. With a new sigh he sank under the water to wet his hair too.

There, under the still warm water, the world felt distorted and unreal. He looked up at the ceiling through the water and realized how much he missed swimming. He had forgotten how the pressing silence under water could feel so different from the suffocating silence of the world above the surface. This felt comfortable, this felt familiar.

He had spent a lot of time under water in the swimming pool at home and this reminded him of that. Soothing, lulling. Yes, a part of him wanted to live like this, under water. He supposed he could just stay under there for a little while. He had always been good at holding his breath. He closed his eyes and fisted his hands against the burning in his lungs. A little longer and he would have to choose; up or down? Life or…

Suddenly there was a thud loud enough that Castiel heard it even from under the water. His eyes flew open and a second later there were desperate hands grabbing his shoulders and ripping him out of his safe space.

He spluttered and pushed at the perceived threat. It took him a while to blink the water out of his eyes and realize it was Dean who was shaking him. He looked furious and was talking very loudly. The silence seemed extremely fleeting in this moment.

"Are you fucking insane?!" Dean yelled and he sounded panicked. Castiel grabbed Dean’s upper arms. "You’re not gonna fucking kill yourself on my watch. Fuck you, Cas!"

Castiel coughed. "Kill myself?" he asked and coughed again. "I was just—"

Dean’s hands on Castiel’s shoulders tightened and he winced. Dean was _strong_.

"I get in here and you’re under the water, all still and fucking everything. What the hell am I supposed to think?"

"You thought I had drowned myself?" Castiel didn’t even know if that was possible in quite this way. His stomach squirmed uncomfortably with how close Dean’s assumption had been to Castiel’s own thoughts. Was he so much in danger of committing such an act? What kind of signals did he send to people?

"I’ve been calling out for you for _minutes_."

As if that explained anything. Castiel’s shame took an ugly turn and translated as anger.

"What are you even doing in here?"

Dean’s expression changed so fast it should have hurt. "I’m fucking saving you, what the hell does it look like?"

This time when Castiel brushed off Dean’s hands they fell away easily. "I don’t need saving, Dean. I’m not some helpless little damsel." He stood up, towering over Dean who just sat there by the tub on his knees, gaping at Castiel. This put his face — and open mouth — in a very close proximity to Castiel’s dick. That wasn’t good. Dean was supposed to stand up too. "Get out of my bathroom." That didn’t come out half as demanding as he had hoped.

At least it got Dean standing up. Red in the face from anger and with a tightness around his eyes that Castiel never wanted to be the cause of.

"Lola came to tell me dinner is ready and Boss is expecting you. I knocked on the door, called out to you. I swear I fucking knocked on the bathroom door too before opening it."

Castiel knew he had locked the bathroom door. He raised his chin and stared pointedly at Dean. Standing in the tub made him just slightly taller than the man and that accompanied with his glare seemed to take Dean’s anger down a notch.

"Thank you for calling the dinner to my attention. Now leave." He stepped out of the tub and Dean was forced to stumbled back to make room for him. He grabbed his towel with excessively angry movements. "And don’t let me catch you picking my locks again, Dean."

Dean visibly swallowed and looked away. His cheeks were still red but now it looked to be more from shame than anger.

"I’ll wait outside." He mumbled and left before Castiel could say anything else.

Castiel huffed out an almost desperate breath and hid his face in his towel. Fuck his life.

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

  
  


_Strong hands. Heated lips._

_Castiel shivers in anticipation when those hands, so sure of themselves, grabs his hips gently. Curves around his hipbones, anchors him to the warm body above his._

_He sighs contently when lips press against his stomach, kissing a light trail up to his chest, neck._

_He moans quietly, begging. A soft chuckle washes over him. Oh his body is so warm, feels like liquid heat under the hard body that hovers just out of reach._

_"Please." He whispers, desperate and wanting._

_"Yes, Cas."_

_He opens his eyes and green floods his vision. Green and calm and kind. Strong and safe._

_"I…"_

  


Castiel woke with a sharp gasp. He was face down in his bed, sunlight streaming in through the small gap in his curtains. He was sweating and trembling, hard in his boxers and humping the bed. God, he was _so_ hard, so ready to just let it go.

Desperate and without thinking he started up his motions again, hips rolling down with practiced ease as he chased the high. Chased the dream. He knew what it had been about and he knew he would feel shame later. All the more reason to enjoy it now while the glow persisted.

He didn’t last long and when he came it was with another gasp, dangerously close to Dean’s name.

"ебать." He muttered as his come dried uncomfortably in his boxers.

  
  


### 

  
  


The following days turned into weeks and before Dean knew it they were well into May. Sammy’s birthday had passed quietly but no less slowly than usual. The whole day had been agony, to be honest, and even Cas had picked up on Dean’s mood. Things had been a bit strained between them since Dean had burst in on the man’s private bath but they had made it work. Mostly by avoiding eye-contact and slowly but surely starting to talk again. And when Dean had shown signs of not feeling well, Cas had just taken him out into the forest and they had spent most of the day in companionable silence.

Still Dean’s mind had wandered because how the hell could it not? Sam had turned 28 this year and that was so hard to wrap his head around that Dean didn’t know what to do with himself. He wondered what his little brother looked like. All he had managed to scour up a few years back had been a grainy profile picture from Sam’s college initiation. In Dean’s mind he still looked like the scrawny kid he had left behind.

Cas hadn’t pushed him, though, and later that evening Benny had bought him a drink in the bar they used to frequent together before Dean switched positions. It had felt good to get out again and Dean felt better after, which was good because he couldn’t afford to show any weakness around here. Neither Benny nor Cas knew what Dean’s funk had been about but both were good enough to him that they didn’t need details. That meant something and it carried Dean into late May on a higher note.

But even though things were quieter than general, right before the summer Dean could tell that Cas wasn’t feeling so good. Dean still didn’t know if Cas actually had been trying to drown himself or if he had just been resting like he later had claimed but he knew something had happened.

Three weeks had gone by now and the man was looking paler and paler by the day. Like his soul was being drained, if that could be a thing. Dean desperately wanted to ask and sometimes thought they were close enough friends for him to do so but Cas’ stony mask made him hesitate. He was pretty sure it was all a front but he was still unsure who the man was trying to shut out. Because sometimes it felt like Cas was just about to say something but then he just turned around and shunned Dean for days instead.

It had been a long time since Dean had felt so confused about something that seemed so fucking simple.

  


Dry leaves and twigs crunched beneath their feet and Dean thought, not for the first time, how goddamn ridiculous it was that he was walking around in the forest in a suit and dress shoes. At least Cas was wearing sneakers.

They had gone into New York again and this time they had both managed to find a pair of sneakers that suited them. Cas had wanted to pay for Dean’s but Dean had just stared at him until the man blushed and dropped the question. It was cute, in a way, but Dean didn’t need charity.

What was even cuter, and not at all good for the dirty thoughts swimming around in Dean’s head, was how Cas was still using the old wallet Dean had given him. And, worse, how the man almost shyly had asked if he would be allowed to join Dean on his mornings jogs. Of course he had said yes but it had yet to happen and maybe that was for the best. Dean knew he had been the one to suggest both the jogging and the wallet but it was very difficult for him to stop fantasizing about kissing Cas when the man was going around being all adorable all the fucking time.

When they finally reached the stream Cas made a happy sound at the back of his throat and sat down on his favorite rock. Dean smiled much too fondly at the back of Cas’ tousled head. Fuck, he hadn’t thought being a bodyguard would be like this. Azazel, for one, thought Boss was a pompous ass and Brady saw Amara as a spoiled brat. Maybe it depended on the person being guarded? Or on the guard? Dean wished he knew other bodyguards so he could ask them.

"Look at that."

Dean snapped to attention and immediately saw what Cas was pointing at. Two butterflies were flying past them, almost entwined in the flight. Dean paused to think how unusually many butterflies they saw here by the stream, compared to the rest of the forest, but he was interrupted by Cas’ little chuckle. That sound was just…

Fuck Dean’s fucking cock for being a dick right now.

"What do you suppose they’re doing?" he mumbled and sat down slowly beside Cas so as not to scare the butterflies. "Fucking?" why the hell had he said that? His mind was definitely a one-track kind and he had never hated it before he met Cas.

Cas hummed in thought, a sound that most definitely would make his whole throat vibrate.

"That or fighting, I suppose."

"They’re pretty, do you know what kind they are?"

Cas knew all kinds of crazy shit. The knowledge that he just simply possessed never ceased to amaze Dean.

Cas squinted at the butterflies until they were too far away to see properly. "I’m not sure."

"You should bring that book you bought. With the pictures and stuff."

On their latest trip they had gone to the bookstore again and Cas had bought more informational books than entertaining ones. Dean didn’t want to be a snoop but he had been following Cas around in the store so it had been inevitable that he had seen. Plus he might have peeked to see what would interest the man, fucking sue him.

Cas didn’t remark on that, though. Just quirked his lips in that little smile of his and stared after the butterflies.

"That book was on different species of bee, not butterflies."

"Oh." With how much Cas talked about butterflies and how excited he had been when Joshua had told him those bushes had been approved by Boss and were on their way, Dean would have thought books would be the next step. "Well maybe buy one for butterflies the next time? So you can identify them."

Cas turned to Dean and his blue eyes sparkled with mirth. That…that was a good look on him.

"Are you proposing I go butterfly-watching?"

Dean shrugged to hide how he needed to blush after seeing that look on Cas’ face.

"Why not? People watch birds, right?" he grinned when Cas’ smile grew.

"I suppose they do."

"Or you could take pictures with your phone? Look them up on the web."

That made Cas look away and suddenly he looked wistful. Fuck, what the hell had Dean said now? He wished he knew Cas better so he could avoid fucking things up. For all the time spent together he still barely knew the man and that realization hit him harder than he would have thought.

"I don’t have a phone. Or a computer."

"What?" okay, that was baffling enough for Dean to forget what he had just been thinking about. "You don’t think you’d need one?"

Cas shrugged and the movement looked jerky. "Why? Everyone I know either doesn’t want to hear from me or lives here. Besides," he turned to Dean and quirked his lips again. The smile was too sad to make Dean feel better, though. "I have you, and you have a phone."

Dean tried to swallow but his mouth was too dry for some fucked up reason. "That’s right." He said, going for humor because that was all he knew. "You just tell me when to snap a pic and I’ll get right to it." He held up his hands, making a frame with the index finger and thumb of each hand. "Just like that."

Cas laughed at the exaggerated clicking sound he made in lieu of a camera shutter and Dean grinned like a dork. Fuck, he felt like a teenager trying to impress the bigger sibling of a friend. But okay, if acting like a fool made Cas look and sound like this then he could live with it. He had hated the time between their bathroom accident and Sammy’s birthday because that time had been filled with gloomy silences. Lately everything felt lighter and Dean didn’t know how or why but blamed it on the improving weather and was content with that.

"Perfect, Dean. Really."

He held up his pretend-camera and faked taking Cas’ picture. "I’d say." He grinned and felt as if he had swallowed those butterflies when Cas blushed a little. "And hey, maybe next time when we drive to New York you’ll buy yourself a camera or at least a phone. And maybe a new wallet?" he added teasingly and fuck yes, that made Cas blush deeper.

He looked away and scuffed his foot on the ground. "Do you want yours back?"

"Fuck no. I gave that to you, I want you to use it until you find something better." He smiled much more fondly — again! — than he had meant to do and judging by the look on Cas’ face he noticed.

"Then…" he coughed and pulled on his sweater sleeves. And Dean shouldn’t think that was cute because Cas was _straight_ and _married_ , to _Amara_. "Then I’ll just keep it."

"Awesome." It felt like it really was.

  


*****

  


Dean checked the time on his phone again. Fuck Brady for taking such long "piss-breaks", goddamn liar. He just didn’t want to stand outside Amara’s room when she and Cas were obviously fucking inside and yeah, okay, Dean didn’t want to stand there either but a job was a goddamn job.

If he was being completely honest, though, being a bodyguard for Cas didn’t feel as much as work as he had thought. Man, he had _hated_ the job before he had started it but it had turned out to be not even half as bad as he had thought. Plus, he had still been assigned the odd job at night, just like he had been promised so he wasn’t even losing his touch.

Sure, he still felt a little left out around his former colleagues and friends but honestly they didn’t interest him as much anymore. Only Benny was still fun to hang with but the others just seemed too goddamn stupid compared to Cas. Dean was recognizing that he was heading into dangerous territory thinking like that but he had yet to come up with a solution that would make him stop.

And that was another thing he hated about standing guard while Amara fucked Cas. By now Dean had definitely come to the conclusion that Cas didn’t actually like having sex with Amara. It actually wasn’t all that difficult to figure out because afterwards he would always shut himself in his room until he absolutely had to leave. Curiously enough that behavior had happened after a few of his and Boss’ private conversations too but Dean refused to connect the two. It didn’t even happen often enough for him to come to any kind of conclusion but it did concern him.

He was just about to dig out his phone again to check the time for perhaps the fifth time when the door opened. He stood up from the couch and straightened his jacket but it wasn’t Cas that poked his head out. Instead it was Amara and she grinned as soon as she spotted him.

"Dean." She all but purred. He frowned at the way she used the door to hide her body, was she naked? Her cheeks were red and her hair looked a bit ruffled but otherwise he saw nothing wrong.

"What’s up?"

"Could you come in here for a moment?"

Dean’s frown deepened. "Is Cas okay?"

She laughed and moved away from the door. He caught it before it could close and entered only to see that yes, she was butt naked.

"Oh he’s peachy, Captain America."

"What’s that supposed to mean?"

She beckoned him with her finger. "Just come here."

He hated that his eyes drew down to her ass when she turned her back on him but fuck it, he was horny. He couldn’t even remember a time he had gone this long without someone else’s touch, even if it was a hasty hand-job in a back alley.

The bedroom door was ajar and when she pushed it open completely Dean froze mid-step. Because there on the bed was Cas. Naked, on his back, a pained expression on his beautiful face, and his condom-clad dick rock hard and twitching.

His breath hiccupped when he saw Dean just standing there like a goddamn moron. Fucking fuck, blood had never rushed faster south in _anyone’s_ body than it did in Dean’s the moment their eyes met.

Cas looked like he was about to cry and even in his distress he looked too beautiful to be of this world.

"What is this?" Dean asked with a much hoarser voice than he had wanted to.

Amara smirked knowingly at him. "Like what you see?"

"Amara." Cas croaked. "Please."

Dean didn’t know why but it kind of hurt. Hearing Cas plead for her made a wave of nausea run through Dean. But he could see why. Cas obviously needed to come, his dick looked hard enough to hurt, and judging by the time they had been at this for a while. Maybe this was what Amara did that made Cas upset? Edging? Dean personally liked a little orgasm delay once in a while but he could completely understand if not everyone liked it.

He turned to Amara, prepared to give her a piece of his mind but she interrupted him by stepping up to him and putting a hand on his cheek.

"Here’s the thing, Dean." She cooed and he didn’t know why but he steeled himself. "I’m pretty damn horny and as you can see, so is Cassie. Problem is, while he’s got an awesome body, he literally _sucks_ at anything sex-related."

In the corner of his eye, Dean could see Cas squeezing his eyes shut as if trying to shut out the world. This would put a dent in their friendship, he just knew it and he hated it. Hated even more how his dick hadn’t calmed down even though Cas was clearly unhappy.

"What do you want me to do about it?" he gritted out, prepared to slap her hand away if he had to. He wanted to go to Cas and see if the man was okay.

Amara sashayed over to the bed. She climbed on with a new grin and met Dean’s eyes evenly as she sank down on Cas’ dick. Cas’ whole body twitched and he gripped the comforter in white-knuckled fists. Dean swallowed dryly.

"We want you to watch, don’t we honey?" she bit her lower lip and rolled down against Cas once, making him release the breath he apparently had been holding. "Spruce up the sex a little."

Dean’s mind was drawing a blank. Clearly this situation wasn’t okay because not all parties involved were comfortable, and yet it looked so goddamn hot. Amara was beautiful, Cas even more so, and Dean hadn’t had sex for too goddamn long.

"Is that what you want, Cas?" he rasped and hated how he sounded.

Cas closed his eyes and turned his head away. He was embarrassed and probably angry and Dean couldn’t blame him. What went on between a husband and a wife was their business and Dean didn’t want or need to know how Cas was in bed, not like this. If one of his partners had called him out on being bad at sex in front of someone he knew he would have been humiliated too.

"Answer him, honey." Amara cooed and rolled her hips again. This time Cas’ hips twitched up to meet hers.

"Yes. I want you to watch, Dean." Cas stated in a robotic voice but _fuck_ , even if the tone was a bit monotone there was no hiding the fact that it sounded good to hear Dean’s name in that rough voice, strangled by the need to come.

"I…" he watched as Amara started really riding Cas and goddamnit, even with Cas just lying there and taking it, it still looked fucking awesome. "Okay."

Maybe it was because it was Cas that was involved? Lately, Dean barely had to think about Cas for him to come hard while jerking it. Even just thinking about Cas’ eyes did him in. The man was intelligent and beautiful, nothing wrong with a little fantasizing, right?

But this was something else.

Amara was moaning and had placed a hand on Cas’ flat stomach so she could use the leverage to fuck down on Cas and after a while Cas started groaning and pushing back. And when he planted his feet on the bed to gain some leverage of his own it just upped the hotness factor. Amara leaned back against his powerful thighs, grabbed them tight as she rode him harder.

This was some goddamn live-action porn with the one person that had occupied Dean’s spank bank for over two months now. This was going to be the death of him.

Dean stood by the door, hands clasped in front of his crotch to hide just how fucking much he wanted in on what he was seeing, and shifting from foot to foot. Anything to ease the ache in his groin but fucking _fuck_.

What he wouldn’t give to change position with Amara. Rip her off Cas’ pretty dick and just sit down himself. Bet Cas would fuck _him_ properly…

No, that was silly. Cas was straight, just perhaps not that good at sex, not everyone was. Or maybe Cas was a romantic, one of those who needed to feel the love for the sex to be good. There were people like that and Dean could totally dig it even if he had never experienced it himself. And that would explain why Cas was so bad with Amara; he obviously didn’t love her. Or maybe Dean was just trying to rationalize up a situation where Cas would want him instead, it was anyone’s guess.

Cas was still fisting the comforter, absolutely refusing to touch Amara more than he needed, but he was clearly fucking up into her now and by the sound of it she loved it. Fuck yeah, Cas obviously had the stomach muscles to be able to pound into her even from this position. Shit, he looked good.

_Would look even better on top of me._

Dangerous thoughts but who could blame him? He was staring at Cas’ face and body as it practically shone from arousal and he wanted it, fuck he wanted it so much. Wanted to be the one on the bed, have Cas ride him. Have those thighs around him, trapping him. Wanted Cas to use him.

Dean’s dick twitched and he could feel himself leak a fucking _blob_ of precome. Goddamnit.

"Look at that Cassie." Amara huffed out in a breathless laughter. "He likes it. He’s hard, Cassie. Wants it. Probably wants to trade places."

"Amara."

Dean had to look away when he heard Cas say her name in the middle of everything. It completely shattered his fantasy but yeah, that was probably a good thing. Helped calm down his cock a bit.

"He got hard from watching us, Cassie." Amara hissed and Dean looked back just in time to see Cas’ back arch sharply.

"Amara, I—" he cut himself off with a groan and Amara grinned. She met Dean’s eyes and looked so pleased Dean just wanted to shoot her in the goddamn face.

"He’s coming right now." She stated simply.

It was as if she knew Dean wanted Cas too, as if she brought him in here just so she could rub it in his face that he couldn’t have the man. Was he really that obvious in his affection? And when the fucking hell had it gone from _lustful attraction_ to _affection_?

Cas’ whole body shuddered and he bucked up once before groaning again and rolling away from Dean as much as he could with Amara still on top of him. His face looked almost anguished and there were clearly tears in the corners of his eyes. Dean’s heart ached enough for his dick to give up. What the fuck was that look about?

"That was beautiful." Amara cooed and reached down to pat Cas on the head. He flinched but had nowhere to go, which was even more heartbreaking. Dean wished Cas would look at him so he could see his eyes, the only way Dean could get a good read on the man’s emotions was through his eyes. "Wasn’t it beautiful, Dean?"

What the fuck did she want now? She hadn’t come, Dean thought, but she had thoroughly humiliated them both, wasn’t that enough?

"It was." He said in a raspy voice, now rough for less sexy reasons.

"Good." She petted Cas again and he just stayed rolled up on his side. "Now get the fuck out of here."

Goddamn he hated her.

"Are you okay, Cas?"

"He’s fine, leave."

Dean met her steely gaze with an equally hard one. "Cas—"

"I’m fine, Dean. Please leave."

He was not fucking fine. No one speaking in such a dead voice was fucking fine. But his charge had asked him to leave and Guthrie had instructed Dean very clearly on the importance of obeying. The last thing he wanted was for Amara to go to Boss and tell him that Dean was a bad bodyguard. Then Cas might be assigned another guard and just fucking no, okay?

"I’ll be outside." He muttered and his skin crawled with the satisfied smirk Amara gave him. Fuck.

  


*****

  


"Maybe he’s just not into voyeurism?"

Dean scraped a hand over his mouth. Benny was sitting on his bed, counting cigarettes, seemingly barely paying attention to the conversation but Dean knew him well enough to know that he was focused enough.

Dean was…well, he was pacing for a lack of a better word.

"Sure." He muttered. "But crying?"

"Was he, though?"

Dean paused to think back on the situation. There _had_ been tears in Cas’ eyes but had they been sad tears or had they just been from the great orgasm he had just had? Dean had never expressed his pleasure in that way but he had been with both women and men who had. It was overwhelming sometimes, that was for sure. Maybe Cas had liked it almost too much?

He sighed and slumped down on the chair Benny kept by the foot of his bed. There were clothes on the chair but they were rumpled enough that Dean considered them dirty laundry and he didn’t care if he sat on them or not. Benny sure didn’t say anything, just kept counting his cigarettes and frowning more and more down at them as if their numbers displeased him.

"Am I worrying for nothing?"

Benny shrugged and finally looked up. "I think you’re being a good bodyguard. You care, Dean, it’s one of your best _and_ worst qualities." That made Dean frown but Benny just grinned at him. "Have you actually asked Castiel?"

"Not really."

Dean had always been bad with words and a situation like this was just absurdly difficult. When Cas had emerged from Amara’s room not ten minutes after Dean had left he had looked like he always did after sex with her. He showed absolutely _no_ signs of being badly influenced by Dean’s involvement. That was to say, he didn’t look worse than he usually did.

Cas always looked haggard and tonight hadn’t been an exception to that and Dean didn’t know if that irked him or not. Fuck, he should have just asked Cas how he was feeling. Because what the fuck? Clearly Cas and Amara’s relationship wasn’t good. That it wasn’t great was a no-brainer but hell, Dean had kind of hoped that it at least wasn’t soul-crushing, despite earlier evidence.

"If I ask him and he doesn’t want to talk about it, do you think I should talk to Guthrie?"

Benny shook his head and began gathering his cigarettes. "I think that if you’re _this_ worried then you should talk to Castiel but if he won’t tell you or if you think he’s lying then there’s nothing you can do, brother." He stood up and clapped Dean on the shoulder. "I’m sorry but you need to remember who you work for. You’re there to protect Castiel’s body from dying, there’s nothing in the job description that says anything about his spirit not dying."

Harsh but true words, Dean supposed.

  


*****

  


Worst week of Dean’s life. Seriously.

How the hell this week could have beaten the one where he left home and became a homeless drug addict at age 16 from the top ranking of the Worst Week List, Dean had no idea but it certainly did. Fucking fuck.

So trying to talk to Cas about what had happened hadn’t gone great. Trying to confront him about why he was looking like a kicked puppy every time he looked at Dean had gone even worse. And, worst of all, actually going and asking Boss when Cas was in the bathroom so Dean could get a moment alone with Boss had been fucking excruciating.

Not because Boss had been angry or anything but precisely because of how _not_ upset or surprised he seemed when Dean carefully mentioned that Cas and Amara’s marriage might not be great.

Boss had smiled at him and told him that this was why Dean was a good bodyguard; because he cared, exactly what Benny had said but with such a different connotation that Dean had almost shivered unpleasantly. And that had been that.

When Dean had remained in Boss’ office, speechless and kind of hoping that Boss would be the one to continue, he had received the sternest death glare he had gotten since he had ripped Cas out of the bathtub and yeah, Dean never wanted that from Boss. So he had fled, like a scorned dog. Excruciating. Dean never wanted to disappoint Boss; he had already disappointed his old family, this one _had_ to work out.

Since Dean had left home Boss had been the only one to help him. Had gotten Dean clean from drugs and gave him a place in his organization, even if it had been at the bottom to start with. In a way Boss had become Dean’s parental figure for a couple of years, before he had grown up and realized what exactly he was to Boss. And even so, he still respected the hell out of the man because he had looked at Dean when he was at his most despicable and had still seen potential.

When Dean had gone back to stand outside Cas’ room once again, receiving a few confused glances from Cas on the way up to the door, Dean started considering what other options he had for helping the man. How much was he willing to sacrifice to help him? _Should_ he even help him? Why did he want to?

He shifted uncomfortably when his thoughts unbidden went to Sam. Should he take the leap, call his brother and just own up to everything he had done? And just fucking ask for help? Sam would help him, he knew, but that would mean the end of everything and did Dean really want that?

"Goddamnit." He muttered and stared hard at the wall opposite him in the corridor.

He knew he was in too deep if he was even considering calling Sam. Nothing good could come out of this, nothing good at all.

  
  


### 

  
  


This was a new low for Castiel. Not only was he once _again_ letting Crowley fuck him, and his body was thoroughly — _thoroughly_ — enjoying it, but they were also doing it in Crowley’s office. Castiel had also been stripped naked while Crowley still had on all his clothes, just adding to the humiliation.

Usually they did it in the den and that was better. The den was bigger, it had comfortable furniture, and most importantly, Dean was further away. Dean and Azazel always stood guard outside the doors and they of course did now too, but Crowley’s office was so small that Castiel couldn’t help but think that what they were doing must be heard outside too.

For one, Crowley was fucking Castiel on his desk. And while the desk was sturdy it still creaked and occasionally thumped when Crowley drove into Castiel especially hard. And secondly, Castiel had always been terrible at keeping quiet when he was enjoying himself. And having Crowley bend him over the desk and ram him from behind, nailing his prostate with deadly accuracy, was certainly enjoyable — at least on a physical level.

Castiel tried to keep it down, though. He didn’t want Azazel or, worse, Dean to hear something and think there was danger enough to warrant opening the door. Crowley enjoyed fucking Castiel with the door unlocked, probably to have that extra danger added to the sex, and there were simply no places to hide in the office. The best place would be beneath the desk but that crawlspace was barely big enough to fit a grown man and the bodyguards would anyhow expect to see the both of them in there so they would look for him and find him shivering and naked on the floor.

So Castiel bit his lower lip and tried to keep his whimpers to a minimum. He even tried holding his orgasm back because he knew he would never be able to stay quiet during that. But goddamnit, he really needed to come. The last time he had been able to ejaculate had been with Amara while Dean watched and while that had been one of the better orgasms he had had in a while it had still left him horribly unsatisfied.

And he hadn’t been able to masturbate after it either because his own thoughts scared him. Just remembering Dean’s smoldering gaze right now was almost enough to tip him over the edge, even with Crowley panting behind him. He was sure Dean’s arousal had been from watching Amara fuck a man like that but it had been so easy to pretend it had been for him; because of him. Oh how he wanted that.

"Fuck, you just got tighter." Crowley growled and circled Castiel’s chest with one arm to pull him back a little. "You like getting it in here?"

Castiel’s hands slipped on the desk’s polished surface. "Just come already." He gasped.

He had wanted to growl back but he was too on edge for it and Crowley just chuckled at him. To Castiel’s horror the older man slowed down and released Castiel’s upper body to grip his hips again. Long but languid thrusts followed and they had Castiel shivering every time Crowley’s fat cock dragged over Castiel’s sensitive prostate.

"Why are you holding back your sounds, Cassie?" Crowley mused in an almost conversational tone. Castiel wanted to smack him but just gritted his teeth. "You know I enjoy hearing you beg for it."

"Please, Crowley." He murmured, partly to appease the man but also because this slow pace was maddening right now. He hated himself for it, sure, but it was the truth. His dick was leaking on Crowley’s desk and it jumped whenever his prostate was stimulated. He wanted to jerk himself off fast and dirty but knew that Crowley wouldn’t stop just because Castiel was done.

Crowley made a _tsk_ -ing sound. "Not like that, you know how I like it." He suddenly slammed in hard and Castiel moaned before he could stop himself. "Yes, that’s better." Crowley praised almost breathlessly. "You’re not afraid someone will hear you, are you? From what I hear you’d like that anyway."

Castiel tensed and Crowley laughed.

"What are you…?"

Crowley stayed jammed all the way inside and just grinded against Castiel. One of his hands reached down under Castiel to grab at his dick. It forced another involuntary sound from Castiel and his dick jerked in Crowley’s grip.

"From what _I_ heard," the older man started in a condescendingly mocking tone. "You quite enjoy having someone looking at you while you’re having sex. What’s it called? Exhibitionism?"

Castiel was going mad. Crowley was filling him up in all the right ways but he _wasn’t moving_. And his hand was stroking Castiel’s neglected dick but the grip was too loose. And now images of Dean’s heated eyes made Castiel’s whole body flush red with the need to come.

He glared over his shoulder and found Crowley smirking knowingly at him.

"I’m not an exhibitionist." He groused but the menace in his tone was most definitely undermined by how he was rocking back and forth between Crowley’s hand and cock.

"Oh?" Crowley raised his eyebrows in mock confusion. "So it’s only when Dean’s the one looking at you?"

Castiel hung his head and gritted his teeth against the moan that threatened to bubble up at the merest memory.

"Does Amara tell you everything?"

That Amara had called in Dean to torture Castiel and taunt him with what he couldn’t have had been humiliating enough; to now have Crowley do the same was too much.

His whole body jerked when Crowley gripped the base of his dick too hard.

"You forget that there’s nothing I don’t know, Castiel." Crowley hissed in his ear. He leaned out and started pumping in and out of Castiel at that maddeningly slow pace again. He was just holding Castiel’s dick in that hard grip now, completely taking away Castiel’s ability to enjoy the movement in his ass. "Why do you think I assigned Dean to you? Answer me."

"He’s…he’s a good guard." Castiel gasped out. Fuck, he needed to come so badly now. His fingertips were white where he pressed them against the desk and he had his eyes scrunched up tight, images of Dean flooding his inner vision. "He’s kind."

"Kind?" Crowley scoffed. "He’s _loyal_. I knew of your preferences before you came here and I know Dean is _very_ pretty. I also know Dean wouldn’t mind fucking a guy once in a while and you’re handsome enough that he would’ve probably hit on you under different circumstances." He leaned in again, pressed tight against Castiel, his clothes scraping against Castiel’s bare back. "But he’s loyal to _me_. You can’t have him."

Tears threatened to escape Castiel’s eyes and he didn’t know why. Frustration at having his orgasm kept at bay, most likely. It was right there, just out of reach as long as Crowley had his fingers clamped around the base of Castiel’s desperately leaking dick.

"You assigned him to me to taunt me." He gasped and Crowley chuckled. Why? Why would he do that? He hadn’t known Castiel before he came to live here, why would Crowley go to such lengths to torture him? "Is it that funny to see me struggle?" he pressed out in a strangled voice.

"Yes." Crowley answered simply. "You’re my new favorite toy, Cassie." Crowley licked at his neck and slowed to a stop. Castiel wanted to wail at the loss but held himself back, more out of spite now. He was too delirious with a mixture of pleasure and sadness to think straight.

Castiel glanced over his shoulder, his vision blurred by unshed tears. "Please." He rasped. "No more." He didn’t even know what he was begging for right now.

Crowley’s eyes twinkled and he jerked them both to the side when he reached over to the intercom on his desk with his unoccupied hand. Castiel watched with abject horror as Crowley pushed down the buzzer.

"Azazel?"

"Yes, Boss?" Azazel’s drawl could be clearly heard and Castiel bit his lip to keep from making a sound.

"Send in Dean."

"Yes, Boss."

When Castiel stared at Crowley with big, frightened eyes, Crowley chuckled and righted them so he could start fucking Castiel again. Harsh, fast, and just right for any other time.

"That’s a good look on you, Cassie." Crowley purred. He started stroking Castiel again just as the door opened and the pleasure from finally being stimulated pierced through the horror of being seen like this, _again_ , by Dean.

He moaned pitifully just as Dean stepped inside and he wanted to die when their eyes met.

Dean’s jaw dropped and he shut the door quickly. Crowley grunted as he started really fucking Castiel and God, Castiel had been on edge for too long to be able to hold back now.

"Boss…" Dean started, clearly uncomfortable with what he saw. His eyes never left Castiel’s and he looked so helpless that Castiel wanted to cry. Or maybe he was crying? His cheeks did feel wet.

"Would you look at this, Dean?" Crowley pushed out between grunts. "He takes it so well, look at his dick, soiling my desk."

Dean’s eyes flicked down to Castiel’s dick, so hard it hurt and oh God, Castiel was going to come with Dean’s eyes on him. Last time that had happened he had been convinced that Dean had been looking at, and enjoying the sight of, Amara but now…now Dean was really looking at _him_ and…

"Do you see, Cassie?" Crowley hissed. "Do you see his cock? Hard for only you, I’m sure."

Castiel came with a desperate scream, his hot come painting Crowley’s otherwise spotless desk in long, wet stripes. Dean’s eyes were round and so very green.

  
  


### 

  
  


The morning after Dean didn’t even remember how he had gotten through the rest of the day after seeing Cas like that.

Cas, flushed from arousal, hard dick right in Dean’s face, getting fucked in the ass by Boss, and coming so hard he had almost passed out after. Dean’s own arousal when he had realized what was going on had been so immediate and sharp that his knees had almost folded beneath him.

Cas liked men. Cas liked it up the ass. But did Cas also like Boss? Or was he forced by the man? How many time had this happened? And, was there a possibility that he _only_ liked men and if so, how the hell was he able to have sex with Amara?

Dean had been bisexual as long as he could remember so he couldn’t be sure but he had always kind of thought that a man who was completely and utterly gay couldn’t even get it up for a woman. He could be wrong, of course, both about that and about Cas’ sexuality. There was, after all, a wide variety of sexualities that Dean had never even considered and knew next to nothing about.

And anyway, the question that most burned in him wasn’t about any of that. It wasn’t even about whether Cas had come _because_ of Boss pointing out that Dean was hard or if he had simply just needed to come at that moment.

The biggest issue here was whether or not Cas was okay.

Dean wanted to talk to Boss again but since that hadn’t gone over so well he had decided to ask Guthrie about the correct protocol here. For some reason Dean found himself caring perhaps a little more than he should about Cas. Benny was right in that Dean’s only concern should be Cas’ physical health but Dean couldn’t fucking let this go.

The more Dean saw the more he was starting to think that Cas was in actuality being raped on a semi-daily basis and it didn’t sit well with him. He felt physically ill at the thought of going behind Boss’ back but after some soul-searching he had come to the realization that he felt even worse about Cas being used as ragdoll. The man deserved better.

Cas had looked at Dean with these desperately pleading eyes and it tore at Dean’s heart to just remember it.

When Dean had finally gone to bed his body had wanted to use what he had seen to have one hell of a jerk off and if he was completely honest a part of him was rejoicing in the fact that Cas apparently liked dick. But another part of him was too concerned with Cas’ mental health to be able to use the beautiful sight of Cas coming as spank bank material.

Cas had been fucking _stunning_ when he came, though. He had been stunning both times but yesterday had been something else because Dean had stood right in front of him and had seen fucking everything and he wanted it. He wanted Cas so much it was getting hurtful but even if Cas liked men he knew he couldn’t have him. That didn’t mean he couldn’t try and help the man, though.

And that was exactly why he found himself walking over to the barrack that housed his current boss to try and see if Guthrie couldn’t help him understand what he was supposed to do in a situation like this. Talking to Boss hadn’t helped and talking to Cas hadn’t helped either. Benny would probably tell him to stay out of it but he just couldn’t. Cas’ tear-streaked face stopped him from dropping it.

But when he opened the outer door to step inside the waiting area outside Guthrie’s office his train of thoughts were interrupted. Because the doors and walls in the barracks weren’t as soundproof as they were in the mansion and that was clearly Cas in Guthrie’s office, having a heated discussion.

Quite honestly Dean knew he shouldn’t listen but it was hardly eavesdropping if he couldn’t help it, was it? Dean was certainly a master at rationalization.

"If you would just tell me what this is about, then maybe I could help you." Guthrie was saying in a calming tone. Dean slipped soundlessly up to the office door to be able to hear better.

"I shouldn’t have to explain myself." Cas growled. "I demand a new bodyguard and you should oblige me."

Dean’s heart froze. Cas didn’t want him anymore? Fuck, his whole body hurt.

Guthrie hummed. "That is true under normal circumstances but Boss has explicitly told me you will only be assigned Winchester. Perhaps if you would tell me what he has done to displease you, I could use it as an argument. Has he neglected his duties?"

What the hell? Why was only he assigned to Cas? Dean held his breath when Cas stayed quiet for a moment. Dean hadn’t thought that he had done anything wrong and he had thought Cas liked him. Had basically considered them friends. Was this about yesterday? That wasn’t Dean’s fault, though; would Cas lie just to get his way? Dean didn’t know why but it felt as if his heart was lodged in his throat.

After too many heartbeats he heard Cas sigh loudly.

"No, Dean has been nothing but exemplary."

Why didn’t hearing that feel like a relief?

"Then what is this about?"

"It doesn’t matter." Cas stated in a defeated tone and shit, he suddenly sounded like he was much closer to the door. "Please forget it, and please don’t mention this to Crowley."

"If you are sure…" Guthrie said uncertainly but trailed off when Cas opened the door.

Dean had managed to slip away just far enough that Guthrie wouldn’t be able to see him if he was still at his desk, which he thankfully seemed to be. Cas, on the other hand, spotted Dean immediately and their eyes met once again. Dean held his head high but tried to convey with his eyes how fucking hurt he felt. Cas stared at him for a heartbeat and then glanced back into the office.

"I am sure." He answered with certainty and shut the door behind himself.

He walked with a straight back but he was clearly stiff from the uncomfortable tension. Dean opened the door for him and then followed him outside. It was a fresh morning, dew still in the grass in the shadowed patches between the barracks and birds chirping around them. The sun was already shining brightly and promised a wonderful day. Neither of them noticed any of that, though.

"What the hell was that about?" Dean demanded as soon as they were clear of the barracks and on the gravelly path that lead up to the mansion.

"What do you think it was about, Dean?" Cas hissed at him and before Dean could think he had grabbed the man’s shoulder and spun him around.

"I don’t fucking know." He growled, getting all up in Cas’ face. Cas’ eyes were so very blue and fuck, the man smelled good. "You said yourself just now that I have done nothing wrong and you jeopardized my job here anyway. Do you even know what that means? This is the fucking _mob_ , do you hate me that much?"

Cas’ breath hitched and he suddenly looked angry as all hell.

" _Hate_ you?" he spat. "I don’t hate you, I—" he bit himself off and closed his eyes to pinch his nose for a moment. "I’m humiliated, Dean." He said then, his tone so fucking tired. "First Amara and then Crowley, how do you think I feel?"

"But that’s not my fault." Dean spluttered. If anything, he was trying to think up a way to help with that but for some reason he found himself unable to say that when Cas looked at him like he was something precious.

"I know that, Dean." He mumbled ad Dean was completely baffled by that look.

Baffled enough to just watch Cas leave and finish the walk up to the mansion by himself.

  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so the original fic ( _The Killing Jar_ by bellacatbee) that inspired this featured some really stellar pictures and I kind of wanted that too so I took the liberty of including a little doodle I made. (Fun fact: this was originally a birthday gift for my Beta BeeCas, thank you honey for letting me use it  <3)
> 
> Thank you, reafre, for helping me with formatting :D  
> Also, proportions are not great, it’s a bit crude, and the lighting’s bad but if you squint _really_ hard it’s kinda NSFW, just as a heads up :)

  
  


Two days went by and Dean nearly went insane. Cas remained in his room and only emerged for dinner because Boss wouldn’t let him have food other than sandwiches brought to his room. Dean had tried to lie and say that Cas was ill but Boss had just smirked at him and it had been knowing enough that Dean wanted Cas to come to dinner just to defy Boss. And when he did, Dean fell a little harder for the man. Because there was no denying those feelings anymore, no matter how much Dean tried to.

Cas wouldn’t talk to him on the short walks to and fro the dining room and he definitely wouldn’t look at Dean but there was a tiredness to his features that told Dean that the man wasn’t angry, just defeated. And that felt much worse.

Dean was wracking his brain to try and come up with a way to deal with this. He wanted to talk to someone but at the same time really, really didn’t. Talking would make it real and Dean needed not to feel like this. And the discussion he had had with Guthrie had been enough, thank you very much.

Because the old man hadn’t broken his promise to Cas and told Boss but he had still called in Dean for a "check-up". He didn’t outright tell Dean about what Cas had demanded either but since Dean knew it had made the conversation even more painful.

Dean’s thoughts again went to Sam and he was starting to feel like he would have no other option if this went on much longer. Perhaps he should just get out of this bodyguard duty? Going back to silently killing people and not watching Cas’ handsome fucking face all day long would probably be good for him. Not that he had seen much of Cas these last few days…

  


On the evening of the third day, right after dinner, Amara turned to Cas and declared that he would be coming with her and forgo dessert. Cas usually skipped dessert anyway but at that moment he really looked like he would rather eat the whole cake instead of following with her. Boss was reading the evening newspaper but Dean could see him listening.

"Amara." Cas mumbled and it was clearly a plea to get out of it.

Amara huffed at him. "Don’t worry your little head, Cassie." She tossed her napkin on the table beside her plate and stood, motioning for him to do the same. "I’m going out with Ruby, I don’t have time for all of you."

Cas looked miserable all the same and Dean was instantly reminded of that time he had sneaked in on Cas eating Amara out. Dean couldn’t imagine doing that for someone he didn’t want. But of course Cas just followed Amara like he usually did and Dean’s stomach roiled with the need to do something, say something.

On the way up, Brady elbowed Dean and mouthed _all of you_ while holding his hands out to measure up a sizable distance, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. Dean frowned and Brady shrugged, smirking to himself.

Waiting outside Amara’s room was worse than usual now. Fucking feelings always made everything worse. Dean was almost pacing but managed to barely hold it back so that Brady wouldn’t become suspicious. But fuck, in Dean’s mind Cas was basically being raped in there and Dean was out here doing fucking nothing. Because what if what Dean had seen between Cas and Boss meant Cas was really, wholly gay? Did that what Amara made him do better or worse?

Dean just wanted to rip open the door and shoot Amara in the face. Fuck, he was even thinking about just taking Cas and leave. His mind was a jumble and he almost missed it when Cas opened the door and slid out.

His eyes were glued to the floor and Brady didn’t even stand up from the couch but Dean whipped around with a thousand questions on the tip of his tongue. One look at the man, though, shut Dean up for now. Fuck, Cas just looked so beaten, so goddamn tired.

He started walking to his room immediately and of course Dean followed but as soon as they had turned the corner so they were out of Brady’s sight, Dean grabbed Cas’ elbow.

"Just tell me if you’re okay." Dean mumbled. Cas didn’t even glance at him.

"I’m not."

Dean felt like he had gotten punched in the face. "Well fuck, Cas. You should have fucking said something earlier."

Cas turned to look at him just as they stopped outside the man’s room. "Why? There is nothing to be done, this is my lot in life."

Dean looked back at him, stunned, and when Cas entered his room Dean’s hand shot out to keep the door from closing behind him. Cas looked at him with round eyes when Dean entered the room unbidden and almost slammed the door shut.

"Your _lot_?" he spat and Cas’ expression shifted from surprised to tired once again.

"Yes, Dean."

"You don’t think you ought to _fight_ for your own rights?"

Cas’ expression darkened and yes, Dean knew how stupid he sounded when they both knew what a sham marriage this was.

"Careful now, wouldn’t want your employer to hear you speaking like that."

Dean was on him in an instance, face in Cas’ face, hands gripping the man’s shoulders, almost shaking him.

"Come on Cas, I _know_ you have more fight in you than this." He hissed angrily. Cas frowned deeply.

"Actually I don’t, Pakhan was sure to beat that out of me before he sold me off."

Dean swallowed and only then realized he was probably hurting Cas. Fuck. That was the _last_ thing he wanted to do. He eased his grip but somehow he couldn’t manage to step back, or let go completely.

"What do you mean?" he mumbled and Cas sighed before he looked away to the side.

"I’m gay. And…" he took a shuddering breath. "And Pakhan doesn’t believe in being gay."

"Doesn’t believe?" Dean parroted in a soft tone. He righted his stance and came to stand much closer to Cas but the other man didn’t push him away.

"When Pakhan, that’s my father by the way, when he found me in bed with my lover he had his goons chase after Balthazar while he lectured me on everything that was wrong with me." Cas swallowed and closed his eyes for a moment. "I don’t know if Balth is alive or, if he is, I don’t know how much of him is left. It’s not fair Dean, he didn’t hurt anyone."

Dean’s heart just about stopped when Cas met his eyes. There were unshed tears in Cas’ brilliant blues but also so much strength, such intense force.

"Neither did you." He whispered and pressed his lips together when Cas scoffed.

"I hurt Balth."

"Your father did."

Fuck, Cas’ _dad_ had done all this to him. Dean had known from the beginning, of course, but hearing it made it worse somehow.

Cas looked away again. "Pakhan took me back to our home and explained to my brothers what was going to happen. They both agreed, of course, neither of them ever liked me very much. I was mother’s little good boy but when she died I became a liability, I’ve always known this."

"I’m sure that’s not true." Dean mumbled but Cas didn’t seem to hear him.

"Michael always showed affinity to Pakhan’s business and Lucifer loves killing, both fit in. I didn’t." He sighed and closed his eyes but no tears fell. "So when he found out about my… _deviant_ behavior, he imprisoned me in my own room and held me there until he had made this deal with Crowley."

"Cas…"

"Six months." Cas stated in a dead tone. "The only human interaction I had was with my bodyguard Boris and Lucifer, when he came to give me updates on Pakhan’s plans for me and to beat me. In the end, I was so fed up with everything I just wanted any kind of out I could get. So here I am." He said the last part with a false upbeat tone and it killed Dean a little to hear it.

"I’m so sorry Cas." Dean whispered and Cas looked honestly confused.

"Why? It’s not your fault I’m an abomination."

"You’re not—"

"When he came to explain this arrangement, Pakhan told me not to fuck it up or he would have to have me put down." Cas continued in a robotic voice. "At first that was all I could think of, that I didn’t want to die, that I was afraid of it. And then I started thinking that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to die, that I would fuck this up out of spite and embrace death." He lifted his eyes to meet Dean’s shocked gaze dead on. "And then I realized he was baiting me, watching me to see _when_ I would crack, not _if_. And that made me mad, Dean."

"You’re strong, Cas." Dean stated confidently.

Hearing Cas talking about death like that fucking scared Dean and he was confused as hell about that because if it was one thing Dean knew and wasn’t afraid of it was death. But Cas’ death? Dean was almost pissing his pants at the mere notion and yeah, Dean knew what the fuck that was about but he was going to deal with this one problem at a time.

"I am." Cas growled out. "I _am_ strong, I will outlive all of them, and I will do _whatever_ it takes."

Dean nodded, feeling proud for some fucked up reason. "I believe you." And he really did. God help him but he did. "You’re gay and still fucking a woman, that’s proof enough for Christ’s sake."

The fight slipped out of Cas and he looked away again. "She drugs me. Some experimental Viagra, I don’t really know but it gets me hard."

That sounded like some dangerous shit. Dean swallowed hard for his next question. It was inappropriate but he _had to_ ask, had to know.

"And Boss? He drugging you too?"

That made Cas blush and he pulled out of Dean’s grip. "No, that’s… I’m…"

"You like him, then?" a burning, jealous feeling spread fast throughout Dean’s body, faster than he cared to admit.

"I’m just starved for contact." Cas mumbled and was still blushing furiously. Dean felt as if he was choking on the jealousy that bubbled up inside him and he wasn’t even surprised about it at this point.

"And anyone will do? Well, anyone with a dick I guess?"

Cas looked at Dean as if he had struck him and fuck, Dean only then realized what he had said and to whom he had said it. But Cas didn’t stay sad for long, no he shifted to anger real fucking quick and that was good, anger was easier to deal with.

"Don’t you fucking dare, Dean Winchester." Cas growled and Dean went in, grabbing Cas’ shirt in one hand to pull them nose to nose.

"Why the hell didn’t you tell _me_ , Cas?" he demanded in a growl of his own. "You’re gay and I have to fucking find out when I have to watch you getting it in the ass by _another man_? Do you have any idea what that felt like?"

Cas slapped at his hand but Dean was much stronger than him. "What the hell are you talking about? I wasn’t the one who invited you in and you were the one who got off on watching. Are you gay too or something?"

"Might be that I am." Dean said in a raised voice. Well, bisexual, to be perfectly honest but who the hell cared right now? Who the hell even knew why they were discussing this in the first place? "So why didn’t you tell _me_?" he sounded like a fourteen-year-old girl even to his own ears but Cas’ eyes flared with righteous anger all the same.

"Because everyone leaves me, Dean!" he screamed right in Dean’s face, stunning him into silence. "My whole family sold me because of it, all my bodyguards before Boris demanded a reassignment as soon as they found out. Only Boris stayed and that was probably because he was too stupid to notice it."

 _"Castiel is tricky."_ Boris had said that one and only time Dean had met him and Dean only now realized what that had been about. Perhaps Boris the Rad Russian hadn’t been so stupid after all.

Dean’s insides felt gooey. "Cas…"

"I just…" Cas’ breath hitched and he gripped Dean’s own shirt, palming at Dean’s sides. "I just couldn’t bear it if you left me too." He whispered and fuck, there was really nothing for Dean to do but kiss him.

Cas made a choked off, surprised little sound at the back of his throat when their lips met and Dean swallowed it greedily. He shifted to stand even closer, their feet brushing, and Cas’ hands twitched against Dean’s sides.

Dean smoothed out his hands to slide them up and around Cas’ neck, one up into the man’s ruffled hair and the other gently gripping Cas’ jaw. A soft sound escaped Dean when Cas didn’t push him off but instead tilted his head so that their lips slotted better together.

Soft and warm, Cas’ lips felt wonderful against Dean’s and Dean couldn’t help but press a little closer, harder, softly demanding more.

The little whine Cas let out when Dean licked his lips would haunt Dean forever, he just knew it. It was the perfect sound, so soft but begging, and fucking fuck, when Cas opened up to him Dean knew there could be no turning back.

Cas tasted better than anything Dean could have imagined and just kissing him like this was unravelling Dean’s whole being. He wanted more, wanted it all now, but at the same time he just wanted to stay in this moment forever. Cas was clutching at him, clinging tightly as if Dean would suddenly change his mind and leave.

But Dean knew now that he would never leave. He was utterly and entirely stuck here, by Cas’ side, and he was completely sold on the idea. 

Suddenly everything rushed at Dean, every dirty fantasy, every side-ways glance. It consumed him and he pressed in closer, demandingly, and Cas gave more without hesitance. He just moaned lowly and let Dean’s tongue win the battle as Dean took over the kiss.

"Fuck, Cas." Dean rasped and let his hands travel down the man’s body. Cas moaned again when Dean grabbed his ass to haul him closer, bucking against him.

He could feel Cas starting to get hard, just like Dean himself, and the feeling was intoxicating, much more so than anything he had experienced before. This trumped even the first time Dean had had sex. Suddenly he wanted nothing more than to see Cas naked again. This time flushed from Dean’s attention, from Dean’s touches.

Wanted Cas under him and whining for Dean’s cock.

"Fuck." He mumbled again and pushed Cas so that the man took the three steps needed for them to get to the bed.

Once there Cas made another surprised sound when the back of his legs brushed the bed but Dean just pushed again, making Cas release him and sit down. For a heartbreaking moment, Cas looked at him as if he couldn’t believe Dean had let him go but when Dean just went down to his knees between Cas’ legs his eyes grew to the size of saucers instead.

"Dean…" he whispered and reached for him.

Dean caught Cas’ hand in his and nuzzled his palm for a moment before releasing it and putting both his own hands on Cas’ hips. He leaned in, keeping eye-contact with Cas all the way down to the man’s twitching dick.

"Please." He said in a hoarse voice and watched with pleasure how Cas’ eyelids fluttered at the sound. "Please let me." He mouthed at Cas’ dick through his pants and Cas’ breath left him in a big whoosh.

A small nod was all Dean needed before he was all but tearing Cas’ slacks open and diving in to dig out the price. Cas made a strangled sound when Dean put his hands to his dick but he didn’t say anything else and Dean licked his lips as he pulled him out.

Cas was almost all the way erect by now and he looked fucking magnificent. The few times Dean had seen him naked had been too short and too laced with other emotions for Dean to really take in what he had seen but now he looked his share as he slowly stroked Cas to full hardness.

He was thick and long, definitely a handful to rival Dean’s own and like Dean he wasn’t circumcised. Now he was too hard and big for his foreskin to cover all of him and Dean thoroughly enjoyed rolling it up as far as it could go before pushing it down again.

Cas let out a rumbling groan the moment Dean put his lips to the swollen head and he leaned back on the bed. The sound travelled down Dean’s spine and pooled pleasantly around his groin. Fuck, he was hard now but somehow that seemed unimportant when he swallowed more of Cas and the man kept making these gravelly sounds of pleasure.

Deeper and deeper and what he couldn’t fit in his mouth he pleasured with his hand instead. Dean had never been great at deepthroating but Cas sure made him want to try. He paused when Cas was almost uncomfortable deep down his throat and he could feel fine trembles going through Cas’ body. He felt fucking wonderful so deep down and Dean relished the feeling for a moment, almost choking on Cas’ dick, before he pulled up and started really sucking the man off.

Cas seemed completely taken by surprise by the speed of it and Dean would have smirked at the debauched sound Cas let out. Distantly Dean reflected that this was perhaps the first time in much too long that Cas had gotten a really good blowjob but the thought was too depressing to think about right now so he pushed it aside to focus on Cas instead.

Up and down in a steady motion that very quickly had Dean’s jaws aching but even that was ignored. Cas was alternating between staring down at Dean with fucking awe in his eyes and closing his eyes against the pleasure. Dean didn’t know what was best.

He used one of his hands to keep Cas’ dick steady and to massage it and with his other hand he gently rolled Cas’ heavy balls. Subtly he brushed the soft skin just behind the balls and Cas was soon meeting Dean’s downward push with a small upward thrust. He was clearly holding himself back, probably in fear of hurting Dean, and a part of Dean wanted to tell him not to but a much bigger part was too busy trying to suck Cas’ brain out.

"Dean." Cas pressed out in a strangled voice when Dean sucked extra hard on the leaking head. " _Dean._ "

Fucking yes, Dean had sucked enough dick to know the signs. Cas’ whole lower body was jerking restlessly, one of his hands was clenched in the bedspread and the other hovered over Dean’s head. He wished Cas would grab his hair, maybe pull a little, but suddenly there was no more time.

Cas’ eyes rolled back and Dean felt his dick expanding, erupting. He pulled off in the last second and jerked Cas off for the last bit, angling his dick so he came mostly on his own shirt. It was kind of a dick move but Dean _really_ wanted to see Cas’ dick spraying out come this up close.

He put one hand down on his own, still trapped cock and massaged in time with the strokes he used to pull everything out of Cas. And fuck, the man came for _ages_ , moaning and writhing just beautifully. He must really have needed to come, or maybe Dean was just that good.

With all the sex he was having, Dean would have thought that Cas wouldn’t have been this pent up but—

Dean stopped everything he was doing, freezing in time when the realization of what had just happened hit him. The realization of what he had just done.

He stared up at Cas with round eyes and just like he feared there were tears in Cas’ eyes. One could hope those were tears from how fucking awesome that orgasm had been but Dean had been foolish enough to tell himself that once before. Now when Cas drew a shuddering breath, Dean’s heart broke.

"Shit, Cas, I’m…" he trailed off when Cas put a hand over his mouth and closed his eyes. Tears streaked down his cheeks and Dean couldn’t breathe.

All he could think about was what had happened here. Cas was raped by Boss, by Amara — by Amara _not even thirty minutes ago_ — and now Dean had…

No, Cas had given his consent. Dean had asked and he had nodded and-and…

And Cas hadn’t wanted Dean to leave him. Had literally told Dean this moments before Dean just fucking dove in and kissed him, pushed him to the bed, mouthed at his dick. What the hell was Cas supposed to think? To think that Cas believed Dean wouldn’t leave as long as Cas provided him with sex — just like _everyone else_ around here — wasn’t such a stretch in this situation.

"Cas, I didn’t mean it like…" like what? Like _that_? Dean couldn’t even formulate what he wanted to say.

"Just…" Cas’ voice was raspy from trying to hold everything in. "Could you just leave?"

No, but…but that was what Cas _didn’t_ want, right?

"Cas…"

"No Dean, I just…I just need to…" He took a deep breath and hunched over, almost as if he was having stomach cramps. "Please get out."

Had Dean made him sick to his stomach? No, maybe not Dean personally, but certainly this situation in general. This fucked up situation that had made Dean think that he was fucking special, that what _he_ did would be different and okay.

He rose slowly and tried to swallow but didn’t manage very well when Cas didn’t even look at him.

"I’ll, I’ll be…"

"Outside, yes." Cas agreed, still with his head down and Dean fled before he could make it worse.

And yet all he could think about for the remaining hours of his shift was how he shouldn’t have left, how he should have stayed and taken care of Cas, and how fucking sad it was that he was too much of a coward to just turn around and go back in. Cas hadn’t locked the door, Dean should at least have gone in after his shift was over. But he didn’t and he regretted it all night.

  
  


### 

  
  


The next day Castiel felt awful. He had barely slept and as soon as the sun was up so was he, pacing, wringing his hands. He had really messed up and he didn’t even know where to begin to sort this out.

By the time Dean was scheduled to take up his position outside Castiel’s door, Castiel had at least managed to shower and dress himself in some sweats and a clean t-shirt. He had spent at least ten minutes trying to tame his hair and he honestly didn’t know what the hell he was doing.

Dean…Dean had been so kind to him and yesterday evening he had shown that he really cared. Yes, they had argued some but to be truthful Castiel felt as if what had been said was nothing short of a blessing. He had come out to Dean and Dean hadn’t rejected him. Had told Castiel that he was the same and now there was this dangerous feeling akin to hope blossoming in Castiel’s chest.

But Dean was still employed by Crowley, Dean was still the enemy and…

And that wasn’t even what was bothering Castiel now. Dean might only be saying what he thought Castiel wanted to hear but the truth was that he desperately wanted to hear it and even more so from Dean. He should be careful, of course, because even if he knew that Dean was faking it for Crowley’s amusement — or for spying on him? — he might end up falling hard for the man. And yet he had found himself surprisingly okay with that as well.

No, what he was fretting about wasn’t that Dean was the enemy, that he could be toying with Castiel, that he might be as much of a threat — both mentally and sexually — as Crowley or Amara. What had bothered Castiel enough to keep him up all night had been the look on Dean’s face when Castiel had asked him to leave.

He knew Dean was smart and he could certainly be a gifted actor but those emotions had been too honest, too open, and too vulnerable to be an act.

Dean had tried to comfort him, they had argued, Dean had performed an honestly stellar fellatio, and then Castiel had gone and _kicked him out_. As if Dean’s feelings didn’t mean anything. He shouldn’t have done that. That had been inconsiderate of him.

No matter that having Dean give him that kind of attention had brought up unexpected emotions of longing and want for the man and that those emotions had been too much for Castiel’s already fragile mind to bear. He had basically treated Dean like Amara treated him and that wasn’t right.

Dean could be faking it but Castiel wasn’t Amara and he never wanted to behave like that.

So now here he was, standing by his door at one minute to eight a.m. and hoping that Dean would be on time because he couldn’t take all of this much longer. He had to get it out of him and he needed to make sure Dean was okay; that _they_ were okay. What delicate friendship they managed to puzzle together had been broken too many times by Castiel’s subpar behavior and reactions to what was going on around him. Dean was the only steady rock he had now and he needed to make sure that rock was still there and was still whole.

But before any of that could happen he needed to make sure of one other thing.

The moment the clock on his bedside table switched to eight, Castiel practically ripped open the door. Disappointment seared his throat for a moment when he found the hallway empty but footsteps echoed from the staircase so he just steeled himself and stepped out to stand just outside his door.

Just as he had hoped, Dean was the one to turn the corner and he looked almost startled when he saw Castiel. His lips parted as if he wanted to say something but he just kept walking and Castiel was grateful for it.

He swallowed and tried to be patient as Dean made his way up to him at a normal pace. As soon as Dean was close enough, Castiel held open his door for him.

"I need your help." He stated loudly. "There’s a _huge_ spider in my bathroom."

That sounded ridiculous even to Castiel’s ears but the truth was that it was only half a lie. He _had_ found a rather big spider in his bathroom the other day, but unlike what he tried to convey now, Castiel wasn’t the least scared of spiders. Dean looked at him as if he had figured that out too but thankfully didn’t say anything.

He just huffed and motioned for Castiel to show him.

As soon as they both were inside the relative safety of Castiel’s room, he rounded on Dean and locked the door behind the man’s back. Dean glanced back and narrowed his eyes when Castiel only pressed his lips together, suddenly nervous about what he was about to say and do.

"What’s this about, Cas?" Dean asked carefully.

"Are there cameras in here?"

Dean looked confused for about a heartbeat before realization kicked in.

"Not in here."

Castiel nodded and wished he had a hoodie on so he would have a belly pouch to put his hands in. He didn’t want to start wringing them now but was already feeling restless.

"But out there, right?"

Dean nodded too. "Yeah, the hallways are monitored but I honestly don’t think anyone’s watching them. They’re just recorded, at least they were when I was still working surveillance here." He stepped closer but Castiel rounded him once again, unwilling to get too close before they had had a proper discussion. Dean looked hurt and that dangerous hope burned in Castiel’s chest hot enough to hurt.

"But in here is safe?" he asked and finally put his hands on his hips.

Dean frowned, mostly in confusion it looked like, and Castiel wondered if his stance was looking too challenging. He let his hands hang by his sides again but felt like a fool. He had never thought about things like this before but now, suddenly, it seemed almost too important.

"Yeah, as far as I know the living quarters have never been monitored. And not Boss’ office either." Dean answered slowly, obviously trying to understand why Castiel was asking this and Castiel wanted to tell him but Dean’s answer derailed his thoughts for a moment.

"But other parts?" he mumbled, suddenly sweaty with nervousness for a whole other reason. "Like…like the den?"

"Yeah. Why, what’re you…?" Dean’s eyes widened when Castiel could only look pleadingly at him. "Oh." He pressed out and actually seemed to blush a little. "Yeah, but don’t worry, I don’t think they’re watched either."

That was barely a comfort. "Good." He all but squeaked and looked away, suddenly remembering all the embarrassing things he had done with Crowley.

"Don’t worry." Dean repeated but sounded more sad than reassuring all of a sudden. "Your secret’s safe with me, I don’t want anyone to know what I did to you either."

Now it was Castiel’s turn to frown in confusion. "What?"

Dean sighed and turned away, walked a few steps only to walk back. Pacing, Castiel reflected, Dean looked like he was pacing. Just like Castiel did when he was upset.

"I just… Cas I’m fucking sorry, okay?"

Dean was looking at him with desperate eyes and Castiel actually found himself mute with awe for a moment. Dean was really handsome and he wore his emotions on his sleeves when he didn’t think there was any danger around. For example, Castiel had enjoyed immensely watching Dean’s expressions during their excursions to the forest stream. If he was being completely honest, those excursions had rather quickly become an excuse to be alone with Dean rather than be out in nature.

But then the meaning of Dean’s words hit him and he couldn’t keep from frowning.

"Sorry? What for?"

"What for?" Dean repeated and looked like he wanted to tear at his hair. This time when he stepped closer Castiel remained rooted to the spot. "I took advantage of you, I-I couldn’t contain…" he took a deep breath. "I shouldn’t have touched you like that."

Castiel’s mind was drawing to a blank. "Couldn’t contain?" he asked in a mumble and watched with fascination how Dean’s cheeks colored slightly. The more they talked the more Castiel was getting convinced that this wasn’t an act on the other man’s part.

"Yeah, I…" Dean coughed and looked away and Castiel’s heart beat almost painfully as that hope spread throughout his body.

Dean was looking adorably flustered and Castiel’s whole being wanted to kiss him.

"Dean, I’m sorry I pushed you away yesterday." He mumbled and took a step closer, close enough that their chests almost touched.

Dean frowned. "I shouldn’t have assaulted you like that." He said remorsefully and Castiel thought he understood what this was about now.

Dean was a gentle soul, Castiel believed this with all his heart. The man might have had to do some abhorring things in Crowley’s service, or maybe even before that, but Castiel couldn’t honestly believe that those actions colored Dean’s soul negatively. Deep down inside Dean was still a young man, trying his hardest to do what was right and now here he was, earnestly trying to convince Castiel that he hadn’t meant to sexually assault him.

And what he didn’t know was that he didn’t even have to try and convince Castiel because he already knew. He had never wanted to hug someone as much as he wanted to hug Dean right now.

"Have you been up all night thinking about this?" Castiel asked when he saw the shadows beneath Dean’s beautiful eyes. When Dean nodded, Castiel nodded with him. "I have too." He brushed his hands down Dean’s arms and saw the other man almost shiver. "I didn’t ask you to leave because I felt like you used me, you are not Amara or Crowley."

"But…"

"I got overwhelmed." Castiel interrupted and leaned in to brush his lips against Dean’s cheek. The urge to kiss him was almost unbearable by now. "Because I want you too much, even knowing I probably can’t have you. So much that it scared me."

Dean’s breath hitched. "Cas." He breathed and put his hands on Castiel’s hips, suddenly not small and scared anymore but big and strong. Assertive in all the best ways and it was Castiel’s turn to shiver. "I never want to hurt you."

Castiel pressed closer, their bodies slotting more perfectly together than anything Castiel had ever felt before. "I never want you to contain yourself."

Did that make sense? Probably not but by the sound Dean made he understood perfectly anyway. Nevertheless it was Castiel that initiated the kiss this time and he completely melted against Dean the moment their lips touched. The man may be slightly younger than Castiel but he was bigger and stronger and seemed to have no problem with Castiel clinging to him.

In fact he was gripping Castiel just as hard and Castiel could do nothing but moan when Dean took control over the kiss just like he had done the night before. Dean kissed with determination and like he was starved for it. Castiel could do nothing but kiss back and enjoy the pleasure that flushed his whole body.

His dick was perking up faster than normal and when he grinded against Dean he could feel Dean’s answering erection. Suddenly he wanted nothing more than to have Dean inside him, any which way he could. Wanted to touch the man and wanted to hear what Dean sounded like when he came by Castiel’s hand.

"I’m sorry." He gasped against Dean’s heated kisses. "I should have taken care of you last night."

Dean pulled out to shake his head slightly before diving in and immediately finding Castiel’s erogenous point on his neck, just beneath his ear, almost as if he knew. Castiel whined when Dean nibbled at the spot and he felt his knees buckle.

"I’m going to take care of _you_ , baby, don’t you worry." Dean murmured and licked Castiel’s skin.

Castiel was grinding his hips continuously against Dean’s now. "You are, Dean. Oh _God_ , you’re so…"

When Dean reached back to grab Castiel’s ass there really was no other option than to buck forward almost violently. The pleasant burn that had started in Castiel’s groin was building almost painfully fast and he gripped desperately at Dean. One hand fisted on the man’s back and the other scratching the back of Dean’s head, his hair soft between Castiel’s fingers.

"Gonna touch you in all the right ways, Cas." Dean continued to murmur against Castiel’s skin, making goosebumps travel down Castiel’s side. "Any way you like, baby. Just for you, make you forget everyone else that’s ever touched you. _Everyone_."

Castiel nodded because yes, he wanted that. Wanted Dean’s affection and sexual touches and wanted them to wash away everything bad like a holy benediction. Everything disgusting that he had been made to do, everything that he had done in the hopes that it would bring him some satisfaction, Castiel wanted everything else but Dean’s presence to be rinsed off of him. And he knew Dean could do that for him, make him forget about Crowley and Amara and his awful life.

He wanted Dean to whisk him away and for them to live a fairy tale life together but knew that wouldn’t happen; resigned himself to never have that as long as he could have stolen moments like these with Dean. As long as Dean could be his for an hour or two, then he would be okay.

"Yes, Cas." Dean murmured and Castiel only then realized he had said that last part out loud. "I’m yours, baby, I’ll be here for you. Whatever you need."

"Dean." He moaned pitifully and pulled at Dean’s clothes, trying to get the man closer than physically possible.

"I’m here, you’re alright." Dean panted against Castiel’s trembling lips. "Anything for you, baby."

Not _anything_ , Castiel knew, but just enough to make it okay.

"Touch me."

Dean nodded and kissed him again as he smoothed his hands down Castiel’s back, first in a soothing motion and then with more intent when Castiel moaned into the kiss. He arched his back and groaned deeply when Dean gripped his ass again, stronger now, massaging his cheeks.

"Fuck Cas, the sounds you make." Dean sounded amused beneath his arousal and yes, that was a good tone. Great, actually.

"Your hands." Castiel groaned and started grinding against Dean again. The man’s erection felt huge and hot even through his suit pants and Castiel wanted it.

"Yeah? You like my hands?" Dean murmured and went for that spot on Castiel’s neck that made him feel like his legs were made of jelly.

"They’re so strong." Castiel all but babbled. There was much he needed to think about and probably even more they needed to talk about but the more Dean touched him the harder it got to concentrate and Castiel was surprisingly okay with that. "Big and strong, I like to watch them." He panted and Dean huffed out a laugh.

"That so?" he asked, amusement still there. "You sneak glances when I’m not looking? Imagining what I could do with my hands if I got them on you?" he grabbed Castiel’s ass cheeks harder, pressing the tips of his fingers in Castiel’s crack. "You know I got thicker fingers than you, d’you finger yourself and wish it was me?"

Dean’s words were melting Castiel’s brain. He shook violently against Dean, his arousal suddenly ratcheted up to dangerous levels. His dick was leaking in his boxer briefs, making the fabric stick to the head and he grinded back against Dean’s fingers as much as forward against the man’s hard cock.

" _Dean._ " He keened desperately and Dean’s breath hitched again.

"Fucking hell." He pressed out and swirled them around. "I wasn’t gonna do anything this fast, Cas, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay."

"I’m okay, Dean, I’m…I _need_ you."

Cas had definitely wanted to do something with Dean. He had hoped that a conversation would lead to something like this which was why he had asked about the cameras. Not that he was in any state to tell Dean that right now.

"Yeah, I—fuck, I need you too Cas." He pressed out and got Castiel moving to the bed. "Gonna take care of you, gonna do it nice for you." This time when Castiel’s legs hit the bed Dean didn’t push him down on it, just stopped and started pulling on Castiel’s clothes.

They got naked faster than Castiel had ever gotten naked before and when he saw Dean’s body for the first time he had to sit down on the bed after all. Because Dean was _ripped_. A chiseled torso, strong legs, hip bones with the muscles to form the perfect V down to the price between Dean’s legs and Castiel couldn’t even look at the man properly for fear of his eyes burning. Dean was like the sun and as addictive as a drug and Castiel couldn’t _believe_ how cheesy his thoughts were but guessed it was just proof enough that Dean was incredibly arousing to look at.

He just _had to_ reach out and touch the man and Dean leaned his head back for a moment as Castiel explored his body with his hands. Soft skin over hard muscles made Castiel’s mouth water and he couldn’t resist leaning down and licking softly at the leaking head of Dean’s cock. He was so _hard_ , all for Castiel to enjoy. Thick and slightly curved in a way Castiel knew would feel so good. His balls were hanging just below, red and round and suddenly Castiel wanted nothing more than to smush his face against them.

To think that only the sight of Dean could make him feel like this. He knew he had enjoyed sex very much before everything awful that had happened and it was rushing back to him now, all the memories of how it was supposed to feel like; how good it could be. 

When Dean put a hand in Castiel’s hair he nuzzled up against it and looked up only to find Dean looking down at him with adoration in his green eyes.

"You’re so beautiful, Cas." Dean murmured and Castiel blushed. He had been called many things, some more flattering than others, but never beautiful. It felt unexpectedly nice and he squirmed on the bed. "Fuck I want you but…" Dean bit his lower lip, apparently unaware how that made him look coy and how that was an extremely sexy look on someone as assertive as him. Castiel’s dick jumped at the sight and Dean’s eyes twinkled in a way that told Castiel he had seen and liked it. "Do you have supplies?"

Castiel actually had to pause to think about that. He hadn’t really thought he would need things like that when he moved in here but since Amara insisted on them using condoms for now he had snuck some with him from her room, even though he severely doubted they would ever have sex in his room — for which he was grateful.

Lube was another thing. Contradictory to what Dean had insinuated moments before, Castiel hadn’t actually been fingering himself while masturbating. Hell, he had barely even masturbated and when he did he hadn’t really needed it. Sex with Amara didn’t require it either, and Crowley always provided with his own condoms and lube.

"I…"

"It’s okay." Dean said and bent down to kiss Castiel shortly. He smiled when he pulled back but Castiel’s chest felt hollow. "We don’t have to go that far yet, might even be better if we don’t?"

No but see, Castiel really needed to feel Dean like that. Needed him inside to ground him and-and _shit_ , he couldn’t break down now, couldn’t…

"Wait." He shot to his feet so fast he almost knocked Dean away. But Dean had excellent reflexes and he just took a gentle hold on Castiel’s elbows to steady him. "Wait." He repeated and swiftly went into his bathroom.

He grabbed his dick as he hurriedly walked over to the sink, not liking the feeling of his erection bobbing so harshly. When he had first come here he had unpacked his toilet bag and then shoved it deep in the cabinet beneath the sink after which he promptly forgot about it. But the fact was that he hadn’t unpacked it all of it and now when he dug out the bag he hoped dearly that the lube Balthazar had taught him to always keep packed wasn’t out of date.

He almost cried with relief when he saw that it was fine and that there was plenty left in the purple tube. He sent a small prayer of thanks to Balth for being an awesome friend and then stepped out into the bedroom again.

Dean was still standing beside the bed, his erection still going strong despite his confused face. When he saw the tube he grinned widely and Castiel felt his knees grow weak again. Dean was the beautiful one, that was for sure.

"Well look at you, being a proper boy scout."

Castiel couldn’t help but grin himself and put the tube on the nightstand before he opened the drawer and pulled out one of the few condoms he had there.

"Just shut up and hold me again."

Dean was on him in an instance and his breath was warm as it ghosted against Castiel’s neck.

"Your voice is going to be my doom, Cas." Dean murmured and Castiel couldn’t even being to try and understand what he meant when Dean’s arms circled his body to pull him into a tight hug.

Dean’s hard cock pressed against Castiel’s cheeks, almost sliding between and he was suddenly remembered of that heat in his body, that otherworldly need to feel Dean everywhere. He made a soft sound at the back of his throat and grinded back against Dean even as the man bucked forward.

They stood like that for a moment, Dean’s arms around Castiel and Castiel’s hands on them, just rocking together and building on the heat between them. Castiel was panting by the time Dean let one of his hands travel down and grip Castiel’s dick.

"Dean." He pressed out in a wrecked moan and Dean answered with an equally wrecked groan.

"Get on the bed."

Castiel complied and rolled onto his back just as Dean picked up the lube. "Like this?" he asked, almost pleaded, and spread his legs to indicate that he wanted Dean between them.

Dean looked at him with hooded eyes, pupils clearly blown from lust.

"Anyway you like, baby." He rasped in his deep voice and climbed on the bed. "Anything you want."

He rearranged them so that he was sitting on his knees with Castiel’s legs pushed up and to the sides. Castiel knew from experience that it was a bit more difficult to prep someone like this but Dean didn’t complain and Castiel desperately needed to see Dean’s face during this.

The first brush of Dean’s lubed fingers against Castiel’s warm hole made him shiver but he didn’t pull away. Instead he pulled his legs even further back and sighed contentedly when Dean gently massaged the area around his hole before pushing slightly.

Dean hummed wordlessly and leaned down to kiss Castiel’s chest and when Dean’s finger slid in to the first knuckle Castiel’s hands flew up to grab at Dean, to hold him close as Dean started fingering him. It probably made the process even more difficult but it just felt so good that he couldn’t even fathom letting go of the man.

And Dean certainly didn’t seem to mind. He just kept kissing every part of Castiel that he could reach as his finger slid in and out of Castiel. He was right in that his fingers were thicker and Castiel relished the feeling. Lately he had only been fingered by Crowley — and himself that one time when Crowley had wanted to watch — and this wasn’t even comparable.

Crowley was swift and to the point while Dean was loving and attentive. Dean wanted to take his time, wanted to add another finger only when he felt Castiel beg for it, wanted to draw as much pleasure out of the act as possible. And Castiel had never felt like this.

Past lovers had not been bad at this — not like Crowley — but they had also never been like this. It was clear that what burned between him and Dean was not only mutual attraction and Castiel once again found himself overwhelmed by the pure feelings that coursed through him along with the desperate arousal.

"You feel so good, Cas." Dean moaned and just then pressed against Castiel’s prostate as if he had known all along where it was but had avoided it until he was at least three fingers deep. "So good, baby. You make me so fucking—so fucking _desperate_."

Castiel keened and bucked against Dean, unable to form sentences but needing more than just the man’s fingers, however thick and adept they were.

"Dean."

Dean untangled himself from Castiel’s fumbling hands and looked up at him as if he had hung the moon and how could that be possible? It was the other way around, Castiel was convinced.

"Never wanted anyone else this much, Cas." Dean whispered and sounded almost frightened.

Castiel could only nod. "Me too." He reached for Dean and the man slid up to kiss him just as he gently pulled his fingers from Castiel’s body.

Castiel’s hole fluttered around nothing and he groaned against Dean’s eager mouth, pulling the man closer with both his arms and legs. Dean went willingly and grabbed Castiel’s hips to haul him up even as he thrust down. Both men made equally debauched sounds when their dicks pressed together.

God, Dean was so _hard_. Castiel couldn’t help but roll up against him and Dean wasn’t late to respond so that they ended up grinding together almost too deliciously. Castiel could come like this and it really felt like Dean could too. They were kissing almost frantically and grinding together, their dicks pressed together between their flat stomachs, both coated in precome enough to slick the way and good Lord, it felt divine.

"Need to be inside you now, baby." Dean panted then and Castiel could only swallow hard and nod.

When Dean sat back on his heels to roll down a condom on his dick Castiel felt cold and naked for about half a second but then Dean’s eyes were on him again and holy hell, the fire in them was almost enough to make Castiel spontaneously combust.

He squirmed on the bed and spread his legs as best he could, trying to look appealing but by the look in Dean’s eyes he needn’t try to so hard.

Dean lunged forward and grabbed Castiel’s hips again, this time to align him with Dean’s cock. He kissed Castiel demandingly and grinded the head of his dick against Castiel’s loose hole. Oh God, Castiel was too close for him not to lose it but it was too soon, much too soon.

"Last chance to back out." Dean huffed against Castiel’s trembling lips and Castiel couldn’t understand what he was hearing. Back out? "I want you but I need you to want it too, baby." Dean continued as if he knew that Castiel wasn’t following. "Once I get inside you I won’t be able to stop, you must say no now or never."

Castiel shook his head violently. "Never. Want you." He whined and pawed at Dean’s strong arms when bucking gave him nothing. "Please, Dean, I can’t stand it. Please take me."

"Fucking hell." Dean groaned and _finally_ started pushing inside. Castiel appreciated the obvious effort it had taken Dean to actually pause and make sure Castiel was alright but in this moment he really didn’t need it. Castiel had never been this sure of anything in his life.

He had also never been this on edge before penetration took place. His whole body was shaking and his breath was a wheezy little thing that rattled out of him with every inch of Dean that sunk into him. Dean made breathless sounds of his own and they only made Castiel’s body flush hotter.

 _Dean_ was inside him. Dean was made breathless because of him. _Dean._

"Fuck, you feel so good, baby."

Castiel could only nod in agreement, barely able to make a sound. His dick was aching with the need to come, his balls were so high up and everything felt so good, so perfect. It felt like every nerve ending was on fire and he barely had wits enough to close his mouth and swallow.

When Dean finally bottomed out he made a satisfied noise at the back of his throat and Castiel couldn’t even breathe. Dean was so deep inside him, his hard cock pressing relentlessly against Castiel’s swollen prostate and it was so, so good.

Until Dean started to pull back out and it became too much, too good.

"Dean." He pressed out and Dean groaned in answer but didn’t stop his slow pull. Oh God. "D-Dean, wait." He patted, almost slapped, Dean’s back and while that got Dean’s attention he still didn’t _stop_. "Wait."

A little wrinkle formed between Dean’s eyebrows and yes, he was catching on but it was too late. Oh God, it felt so good and all it took was one little abortive thrust and Castiel was coming between them and coming _hard_.

His whole body locked up and he pressed his head back against the pillow, his neck taut as he let out a strangled cry when his dick exploded between them, spraying them both with hot semen even as his ass clenched rhythmically around Dean’s hard cock, still half buried in Castiel.

"F-fuck." Dean stuttered and all but fell down on Castiel. He grabbed at Castiel’s dick, probably trying to help but Castiel was already becoming oversensitive and he whined and tried to squirm away. "Fuck, Cas, you just…"

"I’m sorry." He slurred, his voice hoarser than he had heard it in a long time.

"For what?" Dean asked incredulously, his voice vulnerable in the way a man’s voice only got when he was aroused and needed to get to fucking but trying to hold off.

God, Castiel could barely think. His whole body was lax after his orgasm and it felt incredibly good to still have Dean inside him. He rolled restlessly against the man and Dean seemed unable not to thrust into him. He closed his eyes against what most certainly was heavenly friction and Castiel cupped his cheek.

"I swear I’m not usually this bad in bed." He murmured affectionately.

"B-bad?" Dean stuttered and started rolling with Castiel, his cock sliding in and out in wonderful little thrusts. "You fucking came as soon as I moved, how is that bad?"

Castiel hooked the heels of his feet just beneath Dean’s ass and encouraged him to roll harder and Dean complied immediately. He kissed him and Dean groaned into the kiss even as his cock nailed Castiel’s prostate. If he was younger he might even come again, he thought with affection.

"I want you to feel good." He mumbled and stroked Dean’s cheekbones with his thumbs.

"I do, baby." Dean groaned and started really fucking Castiel now, clearly enjoying himself and Castiel felt such immense satisfaction in seeing Dean like this that he could only smile. "And do you even know what an ego boost that was for me? Goddamn."

Castiel chuckled and put a hand on Dean’s neck, pulling the man face down against his throat as Dean’s thrusts grew sharper and shorter.

"I promise, Dean." He said as he stroked Dean’s back. "Next time I’ll be even better. Might even ride you, if you’d like that? Would sit down on your big cock and ride you until I come all over you."

Dean mewled almost vulnerably when he came hard inside Castiel’s greedy body and Castiel relished the feeling of Dean’s cock jerking inside him.

He hugged the man to his chest, almost protectively, and thought that there was little that could ruin this. Because now, no matter how harsh the rest of his life treated him, he could always look back on this moment and remember Dean’s sweetness fondly.

  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your kind words about my drawing! Gosh, I'm blushing...  
> Anyway, here's a new chapter! I hope you'll like it because things are about to change :)

  
  


So Dean and Cas started a secret relationship — or was it affair, considering Cas was still married to Amara? Was Dean his mistress? — and everything was so fucking great. Dean loved it, loved everything about it except…

Except he hated it.

Because Cas _was_ still married to Amara and he still had to satisfy her and Boss because of course he couldn’t get out of doing that just because Dean was suddenly his mistress now. Or lover, Cas had told him the male equivalent was a "lover", whatever.

Dean wanted Cas for himself but all he could get were these stolen moments that never seemed enough. Having sex or even fucking holding hands during the day like they had done that first time — forever seared in Dean’s memory as _The Greatest Sex You’ll Ever Have, He Fucking Came Untouched After Only One Half Of A Thrust, All Because Of You Big Guy_ — was much too risky. At most they managed quick kisses before nerves would overtake them, mostly Cas, and they would part.

Going out into the forest took a new interesting turn, though, but there was only so much they could accomplish out in a freaking forest. And besides, the chances of getting caught there were actually higher considering that Cas’ room at least had walls and a door with a lock. No one had ever followed them out into the forest but they couldn’t really rely on that as a fact that would mean no one ever would.

So the nights belonged to them. Of course, Dean couldn’t stay late every night, that would certainly be noticeable. For one, Dean knew that the cameras that monitored the mansion’s entrances was continuously watched by a guard so they would probably notice him going out later than usual. He didn’t know for sure if they kept that close a tab on the guards but why take the risk?

Some nights here and there were fine but Dean couldn’t afford Benny to start asking where he was. He still hung out with his friend for a bit on most nights and if he had to "work late" too much Benny would start quirking his eyebrow. Or look at Dean with eyes too knowing for a 35-year-old crab fisher gone mobster hit man.

So mostly Dean and Cas stole moments between dinner’s end and the end of Dean’s shift, _if_ Amara didn't want Castiel for something then, which she did much too often. It wasn’t always sex, sometimes it was to act as the perfect husband in front of Meg and Ruby, sometimes it was to play pretend cuddle on the couch while Cas had to endure watching a movie of her choice. Dean might hate seeing that even more than he hated standing outside her door as Cas was drugged and forced into having sex on the other side.

They argued some about that. Well, "argued" might be a little too strong. Dean expressed an extreme displeasure at having Boss take Cas’ attention during some days and Amara on the evenings. And Cas just looked at him with sad eyes, stroked Dean’s cheek, and told him that no matter what they did to him they would never take away what he and Dean had. Would never color the way Cas felt about Dean.

Dean hated it, though, and knew he couldn’t stand it much longer. He had repressed what he had been feeling for Cas because he had honestly believed that there could be nothing between them and now that there suddenly was something it seemed like it wasn’t enough.

After only a month of trying to coordinate their blossoming—what the hell kind of word was that…?

Anyway, after only a month of them trying to coordinate their very _manly_ relationship with the relationships Cas had to have with literally everyone one else, Dean was ready to crack.

He felt like the biggest coward in the whole fucking world. His boyfriend — yes, he said it — was being mistreated and sexually abused and Dean did nothing but guard the fucking door. He shouldn’t be fucking allowed to touch Cas and yet that was all Cas wanted him to do.

"Touch me to take the pain away, Dean." He would mumble against Dean’s neck when Dean was too angry to breathe properly. "Only you can take it away."

And somehow Cas had convinced himself that that was true but it fucking wasn’t, was it? Dean couldn’t take any of it away.

At least not on his own.

  


*****

  


When Dean and Sam were kids their parents had died. The Winchester boys had had no living relatives and had therefore gone to live with Bobby, a friend of the family that the boys knew well and liked a hell of a lot. And yet Dean hadn’t settled well. He had started drinking, doing drugs, basically giving everyone hell. It had gotten so bad that the CPS had been considering taking Sam and Dean from Bobby because they thought he was a bad influence. But the thing was that he wasn’t. It was Dean that was fucked up.

Sam had potential. Sam was a smart kid. Sam wanted to study to become a lawyer and help people. And Dean was standing in his way. Dean was dragging what was left of the family down, he was putting Sam in danger, was selfish enough to wash away Sam’s safe ground from under him, just because Dean couldn’t get his shit together and adjust.

So Dean had left. Had left everything about his old life behind because everyone would be better off without him anyway. Bobby wouldn’t have to worry about losing Sam or what he would do with Dean. And Sam wouldn’t have to worry about what would happen to him because he would be able to live with Bobby.

Dean had snuck out in the middle of the night, used to doing that by then. He did leave a note, explaining himself and how it would be better if they just pretended that he hadn’t even existed. Explained that they wouldn’t have to look for him because he would take care of himself.

In hindsight Dean knew he had made a terrible mistake but by the time he realized that it was too late to go back; he was too wrapped up in Boss’ business to be able to have a normal life again. Had killed people. All he could do by then was hope that Bobby hadn’t gotten punished for losing a kid and that Sam had managed on his own.

Even later Dean had actually gotten the balls to look his former family up and what he had found had been a shock but at least a happy one. Bobby and Sammy had lived well and gotten on with their lives without Dean and while that was great it hadn’t been what had shocked him.

He had always thought Sam would grow up to become a great lawyer but his kid brother’s actual occupation had made Dean both cringe and laugh. And it was also the exact reason Dean was now sitting alone early in the morning in the middle of Farny State Park, New Jersey, and twirling a recently purchased cell phone between his hands.

He wanted to call; wanted to ask for help, but he knew he had no right. How many years had it been now? 16? Fuck, had it really? Dean had been away from Sam for as long as he had lived with him. He supposed it was fitting that it should take half his life to realize he needed his family. Or was he just being melodramatic? He didn’t even know how much Sam would be able, or even willing, to help. 

To be completely honest, Dean wasn’t even really sure he had completely considered the implications of making this call. Wasn’t even sure he was thinking rationally.

And yet he found himself with the phone pressed to his ear in the next heartbeat. Fuck, he was already sweaty from frazzled nerves. For some fucked up reason he wanted Cas to be there to hold his hand or something stupid like that.

What he got in answer when the phone finally clicked to indicate that the call had been picked up was only a muttered jumble of words and Dean only then realized what time it was. Considering the time difference perhaps calling at four in the morning wasn’t the best of ideas but then no one had ever accused Dean of making great decisions.

"Sammy?" shit, hadn’t realized how raspy his voice was. It was from not being used for a couple of hours, he was sure, but it still sounded stupid. Now he wanted to clear his throat but thought it would make him sound even stupider.

The silence on the other end felt extremely drawn-out and Dean shifted on the hard bench he was sitting on.

"Dean?"

 _Fuck_ , hearing Sam’s voice again was making Dean feel all gooey with long-since buried emotions. Sam was a grown-up now and that tore at Dean’s heart.

"Hey."

"What the fuck?" there was rustling on the other side, most probably Sam sitting up on whatever he had been sleeping on. Dean hoped it was a nice bed in a nice home, perhaps with someone beloved beside him. "How the hell did you get this number?"

"Is that really the first thing you want to ask?" Dean couldn’t keep traces of humor from his voice and he felt relieved when it felt genuine.

"You’re right." Sam muttered and his tone shifted. "Who the fuck are you and why would you pretend to be my brother?"

Ouch, that hurt. But fair enough, Dean hadn’t been completely honest here.

"Come on, it hasn’t been _that_ long."

Another long pause and Dean had to look at his phone to see that the call was still active.

"Dean?"

"Yeah."

Sam let out a shuddering breath and that…that didn’t make it easier on Dean. But he supposed he deserved it.

"What the hell, Dean?" Sam said in a much softer tone now. "You left and…and I’ve been _looking_ for you. And then you called and I-I hadn’t heard from you for over ten years and you fucking drunk dialed me on my 25th birthday. That hurt, asshole."

"25 is a big thing, Sammy." Dean mumbled and pretended he couldn’t heart the wobble in Sam’s voice.

"That was the _first_ contact I’d gotten from you. Then nothing else and now this. I want to hate you, Dean."

Dean hated himself.

"Do you?" crucial and pivotal question there. And not only because Dean wanted to ask Sam for help but also because…because shit, that would fucking kill him. Dean had left his baby brother behind and he still wanted his love, how fucking selfish was he? Now he was pretending he didn’t hear the wobble in his _own_ voice. " _Do you_?"

Another shuddering breath. "Of course not. You’re the whole reason I educated myself so I could work for the FBI, could go into ViCAP missing persons."

"I know." The sound Sam made sounded like he had been punched in the gut, which was actually how Dean had felt when he had first figured this out. "What happened to becoming a lawyer?"

"What happened to always being there for me, Dean?" now it was Dean making that punched sound because fuck, Sammy was right; Dean had used to say that. "I’m helping people now too." Sam added after a moment, tone soft once again, and Dean breathed out.

"That’s why I’m calling." Right to it, better rip the Band-Aid off. He wanted to have a chance to bond with Sam again but realistically he knew he would probably never get the chance to but it was alright. This phone call wasn’t for Dean’s benefit. Just remembering Cas’ sad smile steeled his resolve.

"You need my help?" Sammy sounded awfully awake all of a sudden. "Where are you?"

If Dean had been someone else, looking at this from the outside, he would have thought it was kind of funny how Sam in all these years hadn’t manage to find Dean. It wasn’t even like Dean was _trying_ to hide, at least no more than a regular mobster hit man. But he supposed he was good at keeping out of trouble and Boss was a cunning man with many contacts.

"‘S not for me, it’s…a friend."

"You know that’s the oldest lie in the book."

That actually made Dean laugh. It was only a small huff but it still felt great. "All lies have an ounce of truth in them."

"Look at you," Sam said dryly but there were traces of humor in his tone now too. "Wise with old age."

"It’s because of my friend’s influence."

Sammy made the same kind of huffing laugh and Dean smiled down at his feet. Fucking hell how he had missed his brother. That drunken call three years ago had almost made him break camp and go to Sam but he had slept it off. In the morning he had barely remembered anything besides Sam’s voice and he had felt such shame he had just put it in the box in his head labeled "Not to Think About". That box had been getting awfully full lately, though.

"Okay, I’ll bite." Sam mumbled with too much affection and familiarity for someone talking to their presumably missing and/or dead brother for the first time in years. "What does your friend need? Why did you call me out of everyone?"

Dean loved his brother for not dragging this out but at the same time he felt a sour ball of depression expanding just under his ribcage. He wanted to ask how Sam was, how Bobby was, how _life_ was. He wanted to _bond_. Not now, though, only business now and perhaps only business for forever.

"You’re the only one I can trust, Sammy."

That certainly made Sam’s breath hitch. "Dean…"

"I know, after so long, how the fuck dare I?"

"That wasn’t what—"

"Let me talk, Sam." Dean finally cleared his throat when Sammy shut up immediately. "I need your help because I can trust you, I know I’m an ass but I also know that you would never let my behavior get in the way of someone else’s needs. I don’t want you to help my friend for me, I fucking understand if you would never want to do anything for me. But I know that once I tell you what this is about, you’ll want to help for his sake, because you’re kind, Sammy. You help people because it’s the right thing to do."

"Dean." Sam was _so_ fucking alert now and it was appropriate, Dean thought. "What’s this really about?"

"I’m gonna let you in on a lot of secrets, Sam. You’re a fed, I need your help because you’re you but also because of your connections. But before all of that, how secure is this line? How much have I already fucked up?"

"What are you…?" Sam quieted and Dean heard some more rustling. "How secure is _your_ line?"

Ah, as Dean had suspected Sam hadn’t realized exactly what being a fed could entail. Actually, maybe none of them realized what talking on _any_ phone nowadays entailed.

"Secure enough." That was to say, he knew that Boss, and anyone Boss knew, had no knowledge of this phone. The packaging it had come in was still crisp beside him on the bench and the phone was so new it still smelled of it. It was the best he could do.

"I’ll call you back. No later than tomorrow."

"It’ll have to be at this hour, Sammy. Not kidding."

"Fuck Dean, what have you done?" Sam’s voice was soft again but this time it was laced with fright. Suddenly he sounded much younger.

"Too much, baby brother."

"What number?"

Dean huffed out another laugh. "Not that stupid."

"No, I know, I meant…fuck."

Dean leaned back and smiled brightly for the first time. "Big bad agent not used to these situations?"

"It’s not funny, Dean." Sam groused and Dean could hear him moving now. "How do we do this? Where are you?"

"You still living in Cali?"

"How do you…?" Sam made a frustrated noise and Dean could almost hear him shake his head. "Yes."

"Then I’m too far away. But Sammy, what’s the one date we’ll always remember?"

Sam was quiet for a moment and then he made that punched out sound again so Dean knew he understood. It was perhaps in bad taste to use their parent’s death for this but it was the only way he knew to make sure Sam would figure out the phone number on his own.

Dean hummed. "212, Sam. Can’t say more than that." Not that it mattered that he gave the area code, Sam would know soon enough anyway. And now he knew enough to figure the rest of it out.

"Dean, I just…are you okay?"

Sam’s voice was full of so much more. So many questions baked into that single one and Dean’s throat closed up.

"I thought I was." He croaked and then hung up. He wanted to tell Sam fucking everything and thought he would, some day. But not today, not now. Now he had to deal with what he had just fucking done.

Sitting alone out there in the park on that fucking bench he spent longer than he cared to admit, just berating himself and wishing he wouldn’t have had to do it. Wishing life was simple again.

But when he a few hours later went to Cas’ door to knock on it to announce breakfast he thought he had done the right thing. That warm feeling in his chest that he got when he saw Cas smile at him made it better. And the concerned look Cas gave him when he noticed Dean’s tired face only reinforced that feeling.

Because Dean was just beginning to realize that what he felt for Boss wasn’t loyalty, it was obligation. With Cas he felt nothing like that, with Cas he felt free. Hell Dean would probably even be able to talk to his little brother — like properly talk, not just about this whole cluster-fuck of a mess Sammy was sure to help him with — because of Cas. And that was a gift no one could take away from him.

Cas was Dean’s redemption if he was ever getting one and he relished in trying to prove himself deserving of it.

  
  


### 

  
  


Castiel took Dean’s hand in his and hugged his whole arm closer to his chest. Dean already had his arm around Castiel and their legs were entwined but Castiel couldn’t get enough of feeling Dean all around him.

They were both sweaty after their latest love-making — though Dean absolutely refused to call it love-making so Castiel kept that expression to himself — and even though Dean had gone up to find a washcloth to clean semen off Castiel’s chest he still felt vaguely gross. But nothing could make him get out of bed right now.

Dean would have to leave soon because that was their lives but for now Castiel could lie here in the arms of the man he was starting to fall in love with and just breathe in Dean’s musky scent. Dean was snuggled up tight behind him and Castiel could feel his every breath against his neck. It was calming and he found himself smiling despite everything.

Because despite how amazing everything was getting with Dean, Castiel still needed to make sure Crowley didn’t get suspicious and that Amara didn’t throw a hissy fit. It was a tight rope to walk but he thought he managed it pretty well. The only thing he didn’t like was how upset Dean got whenever Castiel had to service the others.

If Castiel had thought it had been painful before when it was only him getting hurt he had been dead wrong. Seeing the increasing sadness and desperation on Dean’s face was getting unbearable and he was starting to fear that Dean would do something stupid.

"Hey." Dean murmured against Castiel’s hair. He could feel the man’s lips against his head and he couldn’t help but press back a little.

"I almost thought you had fallen asleep."

Dean huffed out a laugh. "Can’t sleep when we’re like this." He said amusedly and rolled his hips once, pressing his soft cock against Castiel’s rump for emphasis.

"You say that now…" Castiel mumbled with affection but was unwilling to finish the sentence. It was bad enough that he knew they wouldn’t have this for forever but he didn’t want to bring it up. He just hoped that the day when Dean would leave him was still far away.

"Hey." Dean said again when they had squirmed against each other for a while, almost reviving them both. "If you could live anywhere, where would it be?"

Castiel sunk back against Dean, let the man hold him securely in the darkness of his room as he thought about it. He had actually never stopped to think about that before. His whole life had always been decided for him by other people and now he found himself depressingly stumped in the face of such an open question.

"Well," he started after a moment of rubbing Dean’s arms in thought. "I like the forest. So maybe somewhere with a forest? Or mountains?"

"Or both?" Dean asked with a smile in his voice.

"The Rockies, perhaps? I’ve heard they’re beautiful."

"Yeah."

He turned half-way and as soon as they were face to face Dean leaned in to peck him on the lips, almost as if he couldn’t resist. Castiel smiled at him and hugged his arms tighter around him again.

"Have you been there?"

Dean shook his head as best he could while they were lying down. "Nah, but from what I’ve seen on TV they sure look nice."

"Television can lie."

Dean kissed him again. "So you’d get a house there? Up in some quiet mountain town?"

Castiel frowned in thought. "I think I would rather have a cottage somewhere in the forest. Somewhere up on the mountain, you know? I could grow things in my garden, keep bees, not have a neighbor for miles."

Dean hummed. "Sounds nice. A bit lonely, perhaps?"

Flashes of Dean out in the garden beside Castiel came unbidden to Castiel’s mind. Dean, in flannel and boots, chopping wood for the fire on a cold, beautiful autumn day. Dean would help him build the hives for the bees, would know just which tree to chop down for Christmas.

"Maybe." He mumbled, unable to shake the image. "Maybe not."

"Yeah? You’d get a pet?"

"I would get two turtles." Castiel stated confidently and smiled at Dean’s snort of laughter. "I would name them Ethyl and George and they would be a steadfast company. Turtles live for a very long time and they don’t shed, it’s a great pet."

Dean was up to a full-body laughter by the end of Castiel’s very rational explanation. Regrettably, that made Dean let go of his grip on Castiel but it was worth it for a chance to roll around and look at Dean in his mirth. God, the man was handsome.

"You can’t call a turtle _Ethyl_ , Cas." Dean laughed, tears in the corners of his eyes.

"Why not?"

" _Because_ ," Dean took a deep breath and seemed to calm down a little. He had rolled to lie on his back but now he turned his head and smiled widely at Castiel. "Because turtles are named things like Donatello and Michelangelo."

Castiel wrinkled his nose. "Those are old Italian artists, sculptors I think. Definitely not turtles."

It was very tempting to press closer to get a better look at Dean’s eye color when his eyes got wide like they got now.

"Cas." Dean said imploringly and when Castiel moved closer he actually took his hand in his. For all they had done, that made Castiel’s heart flutter the most. "Donatello and Michelangelo, they’re…you know?"

"Know what?"

Dean shucked in a sharp breath and started singing off-tune. " _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Heroes in a half-shell. Turtle power!_ "

It was _extremely_ difficult for Castiel not to laugh when Dean had delivered such a stellar performance but the man was looking so expectantly at him that he thought he at least ought to try and act serious.

"I’m…" but it was _difficult_. "That was beautiful but I’m still not certain what you’re talking about."

Dean groaned and pulled Castiel into a crushing hug. "You poor sheltered man. It’s okay, you can have your turtles and you can call them whatever you like, just _please_ promise me that there’ll be a TV in that cottage too. You need some education."

Castiel refrained from explaining how he actually had a quite outstanding academic education and how TV most probably would fail to give him one if he should have needed it.

"Besides," he mumbled, thoroughly enjoying rubbing his face against Dean’s pectorals. "Those are both boy names, Ethyl is a female because that way there would be a chance of little turtle juniors."

Dean chuckled. "That’s true." He wriggled closer and kissed Castiel on top of his head. "And if they get too many juniors we’ll just give them to the pet store I’m sure the mountain town will have."

There were no denying two things. One, Dean had said _we_. And two, Castiel’s heart beat almost painfully at the thought of Dean maybe including himself in the fantasy as well, same as Castiel had moments ago. He didn’t want to jinx it by calling it to attention, though.

"Exactly." He agreed, probably too breathlessly for something as seemingly simple as giving away turtle eggs.

Dean hummed and kissed Castiel’s head again.

  
  


### 

  
  


"Come on, Dean."

Dean chuckled to himself as he trudged slowly behind Cas through the undergrowth in the forest. Just yesterday they had gone into New York with Amara and Cas had managed to convince her into letting him go into a store to buy a digital camera.

She had huffed and puffed about it but Dean had cajoled Brady into entertaining her as the three of them stood outside the store waiting for Cas. Dean had seen him through the store’s windows and the man had looked very happy when he talked to a salesman about which camera would suit him.

Cas had later explained that if he expected to get some really good photos of insects he should really think about getting a better camera but for now he was very glad for his small Nikon. And apparently he was set on testing it today.

As soon as he had managed to escape breakfast, Cas had dragged Dean up to his room to get his camera and now here they were, well on their way to their usual spot. Cas didn’t have the camera out but instead kept it in his pocket, which would be a waste if they saw something nice on the way. Then again, Dean just figured he didn’t want to risk dropping it and was completely confused when they reached the stream and Cas still didn’t take the camera out.

"What’s up, Cas?" he said and smiled at the man when Cas just looked around them. "You hurried over here so much I thought you must really want to try your camera."

"I do." Cas murmured and started trekking upstream. Dean frowned in confusion and looked mournfully at their usual seats.

Cas had started joining Dean on his morning jogs and it was very apparent that the other man was in good condition, even after how long he had spent without exercise. Actually, Dean had to admit that Cas might even have more stamina than him. Dean could run very fast in an explosively kind of way, for a short time. And he could definitely hold his own in a fight, but those also tended to only last for a short moment.

Cas, on the other hand, sometimes seemed like he could go on forever. Just running and running, never coming to that point where he just _had to_ stop or the lactic acid would kill him. One day Dean suspected that Cas would even surpass Dean’s stamina in the bedroom and he wasn’t even saddened by it. Cas was a fucking vision during sex.

A sudden rustling noise drew Dean’s attention and he looked down to see not one but three small frogs jumping along the stream.

"Look, frogs." He laughed but Cas didn’t turn around. "Aw, c’mon, frogs not your fancy?" Cas wanted freaking turtles as pets but frogs were boring? Dean thought they were hilarious.

"Dean."

"Yeah, yeah." He shook his head with a fond smile and walked up to Cas who was standing beside a rock big enough to reach Dean’s shoulder. "Did you find—woah!"

He grabbed Cas by the shoulders when the other man grabbed his shirt and pressed him up against the rock. Years of combat training and sparring almost made him strike Cas on the throat for assaulting him but the same training also stopped him in the last second when he realized that Cas didn’t want to hurt him but fucking kiss him.

He let his hands slide up into Cas’ hair when the man pressed in close and let him control the kiss for a while, moaning because it felt so goddamn good to kiss Cas but at the same time wondering if Cas knew how close he had been to getting his windpipe crushed.

"Shit, Cas, you need to be careful." Dean murmured as soon as he could breathe again. Cas whined and pressed closer yet. "I know baby but fuck, I almost hit you."

"Because of your Jason Bourne reflexes?"

Dean gasped in surprise and grabbed Cas’ hair hard enough to pull out the man’s head. "You _do_ know pop culture."

Cas licked his lips and flashed Dean a small smile before he started struggling against Dean’s grip on his hair.

"Dean, let go."

"No." Dean grinned but immediately let go of him so that they could kiss again. "Make more references, baby. It’s hot."

"And some like it hot."

"Not rom com!" Dean laughed and hugged Cas tighter when Cas stepped in to slot their bodies together. Fuck, the man was hot, though. The kisses grew feverish almost too fast and yet Dean couldn’t get enough, would probably never get enough of Cas.

"Dean, please." Cas whined then and Dean gasped when Cas rubbed his dick against Dean’s. Fuck, Cas was already so hard. "It’s been too long."

"Three days, baby." Dean soothed, his hands cupping Cas’ face. But yes, that was far too long in Dean’s book too.

"Not just sex." Cas mumbled and looked down, biting his lower lip. "I want to…I want you to…"

"To what? Tell me Cas." Dean all but cooed and couldn’t believe what Cas was doing to him. Dean Winchester had never cooed to anyone about anything before and now he was doing it all the freaking time.

Cas sighed and nuzzled into Dean’s hand. "I had at least hoped that I could have had dinner with you in New York. But then _she_ had to come with us."

Oh so that was what this was about. Cas wanted them to do other stuff together than just sneak around in the forest and during the night. Well fuck, Dean wanted that too but they couldn’t, could they? Dean had had high hopes for New York too but that had been smashed.

"Hey, maybe next time?"

Cas muttered something in Russian like he usually did when he got emotional and it was fucking hot even if Dean couldn’t ever hope to understand it. It was made even better when he leaned in to kiss Dean again. Soft and slow for a moment, almost like a promise, but that changed fast again. They were so wrapped up in each other but so hindered in their exploration that moments like these almost always grew unbearably hot in mere moments. The next scheduled call with Sam was only two days away and Dean had never felt better about what he was doing than right now.

With how obviously miserable Cas was with their arrangement, even despite him repeatedly promising that this was the best he had ever felt, it was very clear to Dean that changes had to be made. Even if they would end up hurting a lot of people and inevitably would end their lives.

"Dean." Cas keened, his dick hard and hot against the crease in Dean’s hip as he rocked against him.

The rock was cold and jagged against Dean’s back but he could hardly feel it, could only enjoy the fire that was Cas and the responding fire that the man was lighting in Dean.

"Anything you want, baby." Dean promised in a husky voice, and not only because he knew Cas loved to hear him say that but because he meant it. "I didn’t bring any lube but fuck, I’ll lick you open if you want. Rim you good, get you ready for me."

Cas loved getting rimmed and Dean loved pleasuring Cas. Cas gasped sharply at the mere mention of it and he bucked hard against Dean.

"Want to suck you, Dean."

"Fucking Christ, _yes_."

He barely had time to answer before Cas was practically falling to his knees. He would get stains on the knees of his jeans but he obviously didn’t care about that. He was looking at Dean’s crotch and licking his lips as he unfastened Dean’s belt.

"You look so beautiful like this, baby." Dean rasped and widened his stance a little as he stroked Cas’ hair.

Cas ducked his head just as he got Dean’s slacks open. "No I don’t."

"Yes you do, holy fucking hell, how can you not believe that?" Dean grabbed Cas’ chin and tilted his head back so that their eyes met. "All bright-eyed and flushed like this? I just wanna fucking mess you up and put you back together again." Dean stroked stray locks out of Cas’ forehead. "Wanna take such good care of you and I will, you’ll see."

Cas whined, a high-pitched desperate sound and Dean’s cock jumped when he heard it. Unable to wait any longer, he released Cas and the man dove directly back in to pull down Dean’s slacks and underwear.

He barely pulled them down enough to free Dean’s hard cock and balls but fuck, it was enough when Cas got his hands and plump lips on him. Just a little lick to the sensitive head and Dean was already throwing his head back. Cas gave the best fucking blowjobs.

Deep down his throat in a smooth motion, practiced and perfect. A little pause down there, so far down that his nose was rubbing Dean’s public hair, and sometimes he would swallow when Dean was down there and just _fuck_. Those tight muscles contracting around the head of Dean’s cock was sometimes enough to get him to come.

Cas moaned deeply and fuck, that made his whole throat vibrate. Dean bit his lower lip and wished they were somewhere where he could push Cas down on a bed and really eat him out like he had mentioned. Fuck, what if this didn’t have to be Boss’ forest, what if this could be the forest surrounding the cottage up in the Rockies that Cas had mentioned last week?

Dean combed his fingers through Cas’ thick hair when the man started bobbing his head. Dean didn’t know how Cas did it but he always managed to snake his tongue around Dean’s cock even as he was moving up and down on it. And it felt fucking great.

Dean moaned even though he didn’t want to. Cas had said he loved Dean’s sounds and he liked to be free to make them but he didn’t feel safe out here where basically anyone could come by. This rock that Cas had managed to find shielded them a little from sight if someone came the same way they had but it wasn’t good enough. He would hate to see the smug smile on Boss’ face if he found out about this. Cas had already told Dean that Boss and Amara had teased him about being out here alone with handsome Dean, and that had been _before_ they had even started doing anything.

And then Castiel’s deft fingers curled lovingly around Dean’s tight balls and he lost all sense of time and space. Just fucking floated back into that fantasy about the cottage and the life they could have. They could be out in their garden right now, Dean all sweaty from having mowed the lawn, or what they had decided would be their lawn and not just meadow.

And Cas could have come out with a beer for him and Dean would have been so grateful that he would have pulled the man into a kiss that had led to some groping. And maybe now Dean was leaning against the shed where they kept the mower, Cas kneeled before him in the freshly cut grass, sucking Dean off.

"Oh _fuck_." Dean groaned when he realized just how much he wanted that. Wanted it so much his whole being hurt and he could only hope that Cas would want it too.

Cas groaned in response and that sure got Dean’s mind back on track. That was to say, back on the track where he needed to fucking come all of a fucking sudden, and not just because Cas was swallowing him deep down.

But because Cas was so goddamn amazing and Dean couldn’t…couldn’t handle…

"Imma come."

His breath caught in his throat when Cas just moaned and pressed down, throat working around Dean to drag every last drop out of him as he emptied all of himself, gave all that he had to Cas. And still knew it would never be enough.

Dean was barely done coming before he pushed Cas off his cock and grabbed the man’s shirt to rip him to his feet, crushing their lips together. Cas almost whimpered into the kiss and pressed in close to rub his still hard dick against Dean’s overly sensitive one. But fuck, he let Cas rut against him as he took his sweet time licking the taste of himself out of the man’s mouth.

"So fucking good to me, Cas." Dean groaned and spun Cas around so that his back rested against Dean’s chest. When he reached around the man and started unbuttoning his jeans, Cas moaned and bucked back against Dean, grinding against his softening cock.

"Dean, oh _God_ , Dean…"

"Yeah, I know, baby. I know."

He leaned in and licked at that spot on Cas’ neck that always made the man’s knees buckle. This time was no exception and Cas let out an honestly strangled sob when Dean nibbled at his sensitive neck while fishing out his leaking dick.

Fuck, all of Cas was so beautiful and his body was so wonderfully responsive, so starved for Dean’s touches, and it was driving Dean insane with possessive want. He _hated_ that someone else had seen Cas like this and he could only hope that Cas reserved reactions like these for people he actually enjoyed. If he ever looked like this with Boss Dean might just shoot himself.

"Dean, I need to…"

"Yeah." Dean murmured against Cas’ neck, ruddy with abuse but that would go away. Fuck, Dean wanted to be able to leave marks on Cas, marks that were only his. "Come on, baby." He started stroking Cas faster, sharp little tugs like he had observed Cas doing to himself. "Come all over the grass, make it ours."

He was making no sense and he knew it but his mind was still stuck in the fantasy and Cas didn’t seem to care. He just bucked back against Dean and came hard enough to shoot several feet ahead of them in a beautiful little arc. Dean kept stroking him through it, cooing wordlessly against Cas’ ear, and somehow loving the melancholy of the whole situation.

  


*****

  


"You gotta give me a date, little brother."

Sam huffed on the other end of the line. "It’s not that easy. And don’t call me that. This line is supposed to be secure but…"

"But you don’t trust your buddies?"

"You know I would be taken off the case if—"

"Hold your fucking horses." Dean sighed. "I know, I just…I like saying it to you."

"To me?" Sammy asked in a dry tone. "But not to someone else, you go around calling other guys your little brother?"

"Jealous?"

Sam huffed again but Dean still called it a win. Soon it would be three weeks since their first conversation and even though other things were moving slow — or at normal speed, according to Sam — at least their relationship was improving rapidly. Sometimes it almost felt like Dean hadn’t fucked up at all.

"Anyway, as I was _saying_ ," Sam bit out as if Dean had been the one to get sidetracked. "I don’t have a date yet and I won’t for some time but I can tell you that plans are going as scheduled."

"Yeah, that’s _really_ reassuring."

"Don’t be an ass." There was a sound on the other end like papers being rifled through. "Also, I have someone I would like you to talk to. It’s about after we—"

"No."

"What do you mean no?" Sam sounded honestly incredulous and Dean sighed at him.

"That was the deal, Sammy. I talk to you, no one else."

"Dean." Sam sounded exasperate but only in the way he used to sound when he knew Dean was right but being an ass about it. "You know I can’t do everything."

"Why not? Serial killers have favorite cops that they only want to talk to all the time."

"That’s not the same and also only on TV." Sam grumbled. "Dean, I really _can’t_ do everything myself. I need help and there are other people that would be better for you, that can help you too."

"Then they can help me through you."

"Dean."

"Sam." Dean said sharply, for the first time using the voice he usually reserved for when he was out on Boss’ missions. It was a gritty tone and he wasn’t keen on using it with Sam but this was important. "I’m not doing this for revenge, I’m not doing this for you, and I’m not doing this for justice. I’m doing this for him and I’m not letting anyone touch him, no one but you. I can’t trust anyone else."

Sam was quiet for a while and Dean thought he must have crossed a line, must have asked too much without giving enough. He was betraying everything he had believed in for so long, everything that had been his mantra was being thrown out the window and he was laying it all on Sam. Surely expecting too much after what he had put Sam through but fuck, Dean _never_ asked for help.

"Okay." Sam eventually said, his tone careful and Dean breathed out with finality.

"Give me what I want, the way I want it, and I will give you everything else."

"Everything?" Sam asked as if they hadn’t already discussed this.

"Everything." Dean confirmed with a definite tone.

  
  



	7. Chapter 7

  
  


This was the worst timing ever. Just when Dean was trying to do better, trying to be deserving of Cas, he of course had to be roped back in. Sure, he had complained about being left out of his old duties when he had been assigned to the household guards but that had been a lifetime ago. Or barely six months, whatever.

The point was that Dean didn’t want to do this anymore. Didn’t find the same satisfaction in being Boss’ brainless little attack dog. Dean wanted more for himself and wanted to prove that he could be what Cas obviously already thought he was; a good man.

Good men didn’t sneak into another man’s house to straight up murder the people inside, though.

Swift and efficient, as always, Alastair’s boys — as they had been so fond of calling themselves once upon a time — swept through the mansion like deadly shadows. Boss didn’t like bloodbaths, he wanted the necessary killings to be precise but at the same time there could be no witnesses.

So Alastair had trained them to be quiet, to sneak by guards if possible. Killing was a part of running a mob organization, Dean supposed, but Boss didn’t condone unnecessary killings, mostly because they brought too much attention. Dean didn’t care either way. Or he hadn’t, before.

Dean had always prided himself in being able to put his mind in a kind of blissfully blank state. To act with detached interest as he went about his job, as if this was just any other job, and that had always made him one of the better hit men. He did as he was told, was quiet when he had to be, was deadly when the situation called for it. Just enough whereabouts left in his mind to make snap decisions but otherwise the perfect little soldier. Alastair loved it and Boss praised him for it. And it had made Dean feel proud of himself.

Now…now all he could see as he took out the last of the allocated victims, the man’s face streaked with tears and snot, was Cas’ face. Someone loved this man, Dean was sure. This could just as easily be Cas.

For all Dean knew this whole operation could be a trap, something to lure the best of Boss’ men out of the way so that someone could use the time to sneak into Boss’ mansion and kill everyone inside it. Even Cas would be caught and possibly killed, even though he was the most innocent man Dean had ever met.

Dean reflected sourly that he was the only personal bodyguard still allowed on missions and why was that, exactly? He had thought in the beginning that it was because he was just _that_ good; that Boss didn’t want to lose his abilities in the field. And maybe that was true but what if it wasn’t? What if Boss just wanted Dean out of the way?

Then again, this wasn’t the first time he had been out on a mission after he had been assigned to Cas so maybe he was just overreacting. Maybe he was projecting and the dead man at his feet didn’t actually look that much like Cas. Still, the thought lingered because Azazel and Brady never left Boss’ and Amara’s sides. Sure, they slept out in the barracks with the other guards but Boss had a nighttime guard outside his door and Cas should fucking have one too.

Benny entered the room to find Dean standing over the corpse of a poor man who had done a devil’s deal with Boss but obviously failed to uphold his end of it. Or maybe Boss just hated his face, Dean didn’t know. He had never been involved in the whys of missions, just the whos, wheres, and hows. And he had honestly not cared before.

But Cas would hate this, Dean was sure, and it made Dean’s stomach knot uncomfortably. Sam would hate this even more.

Benny made a slight hand gesture, asking without asking if Dean was alright and Dean considered Benny his best friend, perhaps the only man outside of Sammy that Dean could trust, but this wasn’t the time. So he nodded and waved at the door. They shouldn’t linger, Dean was pretty sure that the other guys that had come on this mission were done by now.

Benny gave him a small smile in return and turned to the door. And that was when all hell broke loose.

A loud boom sounded and the whole building rocked on its foundations. Benny and Dean wobbled on their feet and exchanged one look before they took off running. Their initial goal was the appointed rendezvous point but as soon as they reached the staircase that led down to the main entrance they could hear fighting and loud shouts from one of the adjacent rooms.

One of the men was clearly Del, this whimpy new kid, and Dean was tempted to just leave him but couldn’t. This was Del’s first mission and besides, they could hear more voices coming from that room, more of their own men. Benny gave Dean one nod and then they kicked open the door.

It was chaos. Smoke billowed from the lower floor, a fire alarm had gone off, and there were men everywhere. Something had happened to make the mansion’s owner’s entire guard squad come running. Dean’s educated guess was that someone had missed their mark and a victim had escaped but it was hard to think with everything that was going on.

His mind was set on fighting but at the back of his mind he thought about the smoke and the obvious explosion from before. A controlled bomb or something worse? How much fire was there? And, more importantly, how long before firetrucks and police arrived?

Benny and Dean fought back to back, down to knives when their guns ran out of ammo. Dean wasn’t scared, he was a skilled fighter, but somehow his adrenaline shot to the roof at the thought of maybe not making it back to Cas. He had never been afraid to die before but only now realized that that was because he hadn’t had anything to lose before. Fuck, that was so depressingly cliché he didn’t even know what to do with himself.

But it was also the truth. Now he had a budding new, albeit very shaky, relationship with Sam. And he had Cas. He had to make it back to the man, couldn’t leave him to wonder what had happened. Or, worse, if he died and Benny somehow got it in his mind to drag Dean’s body back with him, Cas would see his corpse. No, he couldn’t let that happen. But this fight was dragging on.

Desperate not to let Cas down, Dean made a risky but rewarding decision. Stepping in, he left his side intentionally open, and when the man he was fighting also stepped in to stab him right under his ribs, Dean slit his throat.

There was a moment, a split second, when the man thought he had gotten Dean and he smiled gleefully before his brain caught up with what was happened to his throat. An attempted stabbing hurt even through the Kevlar vest Dean wore but the attack had been clumsy enough that it would barley leave a bruise and instead Dean was left with being sprayed with the man’s blood as his throat opened in a grotesque mockery of a grin.

It was always a rookie mistake to aim at the torso and stomach in these situations, as most sensible people wore some kind of protection at least there. Sure, Kevlar vests could somewhat impair movement but compared to getting stabbed Dean was good.

Of course, slicing the throat of a man that was standing barely two feet away was also a rookie mistake and when Benny saw Dean bathed in blood he couldn’t resist snorting out a laugh at Dean’s expense.

Staring at Dean almost cost him his arm when it made him look away for too long from his own fight but the man only managed to scrape Benny’s arm before Benny noticed and promptly spun around to sock him in the face.

Then Dean heard Alastair’s angry voice in his ear piece, loud enough for Dean to want to rip it out but fuck, the man was right and they had stayed too long. Anyone who couldn’t be saved now wasn’t worth saving anyway.

Benny cursed and actually tore out his ear piece, effectively leaving him blind in concerns to Alastair and the whole operation but fuck it; it was a bust anyway. And he had Dean. So Dean just took a hold on the handle of his knife and threw it at the man Benny had been fighting with, getting him right in the eye. The man went down with barely a sound, as if that mattered now.

Benny snagged back Dean’s knife as Dean shouldered open the door they had come through.

The whole left side of the building was covered in flames and smoke. Dean covered his mouth and nose with his arm and tried to assess whether they could make it down the stairs without getting caught in the fire. If Dean remembered the plans of the house correctly they should be able to make it out through the servants’ entrance by the kitchen on the far right but that was as long as the fire really only was contain to the left.

"Can we get downstairs somewhere else?" Dean shouted over the roar of the fire. Fuck, it sounded closer by the second.

"Only one staircase on this side." Tom, another one of Boss’ men, shouted back.

"Fuck." Dean muttered and eyed the fire he could see. The flames were licking at the staircase but maybe it was just big enough that it could hold up pretty well. "We’ll have to make a run for it."

"B-by the fire?" Del almost shrieked and Dean glared at him.

"I’m getting out, you do whatever you want."

The only men remaining in this room were Boss’ men and Dean was satisfied with that. He didn’t know if other fights had broken out in other parts of the mansion or what the situation outside was like but at this point he could only bother to care about the fire.

"Through the kitchen." Benny bellowed as they moved swiftly towards the staircase and Dean nodded, pleased that the only man in here that he really cared about was as sensible as he was.

Dean would have gone through the kitchen either way, too uncomfortable with big entrances while on a mission not to sneak out back. The backdoor they had sneaked in through had been on the left side, though, and was obviously not an option anymore but the kitchen had been their plan B all along anyway.

They moved as fast as they could but fuck, the fire felt searing even at a distance. Dean kept his face covered as best he could but could already feel the smoke and soot clawing at his lungs. As they hurried through the house, Dean listened to Alastair raging about relocating their escape vehicles and he focused on that. Fuck, he had never been on a mission that had failed so fatally. He was almost embarrassed.

  


*****

  


"I cannot, I simply cannot…" Alastair took a deep breath but it clearly didn’t calm him down. "I cannot fucking _believe_ this is what I have to work with." He ended in a hiss.

Alastair rarely yelled. In fact, the angrier he got the lower and calmer his tone tended to get and that had scared the pants off of Dean when he had been green. Now he just sat in the back of the van they had come in, trying to wipe soot and dried blood from his face. It wasn’t like Alastair’s anger was directed at him anyway.

Apparently the one to fuck up had been Rosco, which Dean found secretly hilarious. Rosco had been in Boss’ employment longer than Dean and always had this air of superiority about him, like he thought he was so much better. And now it turned out he hadn’t even been able to kill his appointed target. It was laughable. To think about all the men and women he had killed over the years, that he had bragged about, and now he hadn’t been able to kill a little girl because she was just that; a child.

Sure, Dean thought that was appalling as hell, killing kids, and he was grateful he had been spared that task in the past but the thing was that Rosco had always claimed he could kill anyone anytime and had boasted about all his successful missions.

Now his hesitation had led to the girl escaping to where the rest of the guards were sleeping and apparently, since their master was dead they had initiated their backup plan to eradicate all threats and evidence by fucking blowing up the house. That plan was laughable as well to Dean but okay, he supposed that in order to save the girl from incrimination they needed to destroy all evidence about what her father had worked with.

In any case, Rosco’s fuck-up had cost them two men and probably the anonymity because the girl and some of the guards had definitely escaped before the explosion. Dean hoped she wasn’t the revenge-seeking kind of kid but was at least happy that he had been nowhere near her. There was no way she would know his face.

So while Alastair spent the trip hissing in Rosco’s face, Dean spent it trying to clean himself off and Benny spent it first tending to his incredibly small wound that merely needed some water and a Band-Aid and then sniggering at Dean’s poor attempts at clean-up. There was only so much wet wipes could accomplish, after all.

  


"You’ve really been out of it for too long if you thought slicing his throat was a good idea, brother." Benny smirked when they fucking finally got out of the van.

Goddamn, it was almost three in the morning and Dean was exhausted. But he needed to shower before he could get some shut-eye. The only good thing about waking up again would be that he would get to see Cas. But maybe they could skip the morning jog, at least.

"Says the only man out of the two of us that got injured." He muttered back and winced when he stretched. Man, Kevlar vests sure could save his life but his whole body still hurt from all that man-to-man combat. Maybe it had been too long. He should probably try and get to the gym and not just jog.

Benny patted his Band-Aid. "I’ll wear this like a battle scar."

Dean huffed out a laugh. "At least we got off better than some."

Benny nodded somberly at that and they both stopped for a moment to look back to the van. Some of the surviving guards were beat as hell. Del’s face looked like a goddamn punching ball but he had held his own pretty well. Rodger had been shot in the arm and Gerald stabbed in the leg, Doc Benton would have his hands full setting everything right but at least most of them were alive.

Alastair was not happy that they had had to leave two corpses behind but had reasoned the fire would probably get them as well. Even so, this was really a cluster-fuck and Dean suspected Rosco was in for a beating if Boss wouldn’t just outright kill him. It had happened before.

"Do you think we can just sneak off? I need a shower."

Dean turned back to Benny, fully intent on seconding that suggestion, but his eyes caught on an upstairs window. It was the window in the library, facing the front and with a perfect view of the driveway they were on right now. In the window stood a figure, silently watching the scene outside. The figure was backlit by a smooth yellow light and rather far away but Dean would recognize Cas anywhere and his heart thudded hard at the sight of the man.

"Actually I think I’m just gonna go in and check that the security inside is okay." He said, his eyes still glued to Cas. Cas put one hand on the window when he obviously saw Dean staring.

Benny frowned but then looked up to where Dean was staring.

"Yeah." He said after a moment and Dean nearly jerked at the sound of his voice. "I think that would be for the best. We did manage to sneak into that guy’s house pretty easily, wouldn’t want that to be possibly here."

Their eyes met for a moment and Dean didn’t know what to make of the twinkle in Benny’s gaze.

"Exactly."

"You go do that, brother. I’ll cover for you if someone asks."

Dean nodded and clapped Benny once on the shoulder before he started walking up to the mansion. One last glance up to the window revealed that Cas had left as well, the room now dark.

  


Cas’ hands shook as he checked Dean’s whole body for injuries.

"It’s not my blood." Dean mumbled over and over but Cas seemed to refuse to believe him until he had seen for himself, until he was certain that Dean wasn’t hiding some cut or wound.

In fact, by the end of it, Cas’ whole body was shaking, including his lower lip.

"Dean." He kept repeating. "Dean."

"I know, Cas." Dean soothed and wanted to hug the man but didn’t want to get him dirty. "Let me take a shower, okay?"

He shouldn’t do it here. He shouldn’t even stay any longer than he had. But the mansion was quiet and Cas was so distraught that Dean couldn’t leave, wouldn’t ever want to. Not with Cas like this and not ever, if he was completely honest.

Cas nodded and took Dean by the hand to lead him into the bathroom. Dean opened his mouth to protest when Cas started unbuttoning his shirt but one glare from the man shut him up. Okay, if Cas wanted to do this for him —with him — then who was Dean to complain?

Cas’ smooth hands brushed reverently over Dean’s skin as he uncovered Dean’s sweaty body little by little. Man, soot had gotten in _everywhere_ and Cas made distressed little sounds at the sight of each of Dean’s old scars, as if he hadn’t already seen them and mapped them with his tongue.

"Dean." He mumbled again as he traced a scar Dean had gotten on his thigh a long time ago. So long ago that he barely remembered where from. "I knew what you did—what you do, but I…I didn’t think about the-the _harm_ you put yourself in." He looked up with pained eyes and fuck, Dean had put that look on him.

"I’m sorry, Cas." He hushed and gently cupped the man’s face in his unclean hands, smearing the man’s stubbly cheeks with his filth. God he was selfish, putting Cas in this situation, making him worry like this. Dean hated himself for all the sadness he saw in Cas’ eyes.

"Come on." Cas said in a decidedly wobbly voice. "We have to clean you up."

He tugged uselessly at the Kevlar vest and Dean smiled at him and started removing it, Velcro making a loud ripping sound in the stillness of the bathroom. To Dean’s — still selfish — delight Cas started removing his own clothes as well. So maybe Cas wanted to get in the shower with him? Dean should be so lucky.

As soon as he was completely naked Cas turned back to him but instead of the smile Dean had hoped for Cas’ eyes grew wide in shock and he gasped sharply through his nose before he came back to pat down Dean’s torso.

A sharp pain jolted Dean’s senses and he grunted but when nothing worse came of it he just took Cas’ hands in his and pulled the man into a hug after all. Cas kept turning his head to try and inspect Dean but he was at least hugging him back.

"I got stabbed." Dean murmured against Cas’ hair and the sound Cas let out was too close to a sob for Dean’s liking. "But not _stabbed_ -stabbed, that’s why we have the vests, right?"

"I don’t like this." Cas rumbled in his usually deep voice, now rough with uncomfortable feelings.

"I know, I’m sorry." Dean soothed his hands down Cas’ back and up again, just stroking the man’s soft skin. "It’s not usually like this, someone fucked up."

"I still don’t like it."

Either that Dean would potentially be in danger anyhow or that Dean was killing, it was hard to tell what exactly Cas was referring to but Dean could agree with both things so he just nodded.

"Were you waiting up for me?"

"I was."

Fuck, that made Dean feel almost dangerously happy. The thought had occurred to him when they had left Boss’ mansion earlier that night. Cas had known Dean was going out on a mission, even without Dean telling him it wouldn’t have been difficult for him to understand that something was going on after that briefing Dean had had to attend after dinner.

But to think that Cas had actually stayed up was fucking frighteningly awesome.

He kissed Cas’ temple and the man finally stopped squirming. "Thank you."

Cas muttered something in Russian and then stepped into the small shower that was tucked away in the corner of Cas’ bathroom that was totally bigger than Dean’s whole living quarter. He started the shower and let it run as he stepped out again to remove his boxers and fuck, just the sight of Cas naked made Dean’s heart swell and an arrow of want sing through him.

Cas gestured him in when the water was deemed good enough and when Dean smiled at him Cas quirked his lips in return. He had obviously scared the man and Dean hated that but as he joined Cas under the warm spray it started to feel like Cas had forgiven him.

Cas lathered up the soap and started gently scrubbing down Dean’s body, sponge in one hand and the other hand soft in the wake of the sponge’s coarseness. Dean fucking melted right there. He groaned and leaned his hands against the tiled wall, letting his head hang between his arms as Cas really got to scrubbing.

Arms, back, face very gently. His hair got a rougher treatment but that was only fair, blood had stuck even his short hair together in clumps and he winced when Cas pulled on it. Cas just cooed and brushed his lips against Dean’s shoulder in forgiveness.

When Cas squatted down to start rubbing Dean’s legs, Dean widened his stance and groaned again. Because Cas wasn’t just washing sweat and grime off his body, he was basically massaging Dean’s tired muscles and it felt like a slice of Heaven.

Cas took his sweet time making sure Dean was whole and clean and Dean was almost half-asleep on his feet by the time Cas apparently deemed him finished. He opened his eyes at the sound of Cas tossing the wet sponge on the shower floor but he didn’t have time to say anything before Cas rose to his feet and Dean felt the man’s lips on the back of his neck.

Now that made Dean groan for an entirely different reason and he was smiling when he turned around to kiss Cas properly.

"You’re so good to me, baby." He murmured affectionately and felt Cas’ lips pull into a smile.

He turned his head to deepen the kiss and Dean let him control it as he liked. Slim fingers raked through Dean’s short hair and Dean hummed into the kiss. He put his hands on Cas’ sharp hips and brought in him close, letting their wet bodies slot together.

Dean was still high on adrenaline so it was no surprise to him that his cock was filling rapidly despite how tired he was but to feel that Cas wasn’t far behind was fucking amazing. He knew Cas was upset by the possibility that Dean could get hurt and that this make-out session probably mostly stemmed from those desperate emotions but Dean was only a man and Cas tasted fucking fantastic.

The water cascaded down on them as their kisses turned heated. Dean’s calloused hands rubbed Cas’ blemish-free skin and Cas rubbed his whole body against him, their hard dicks pressing together and just fuck, pleasure sparked down low in Dean’s stomach. Heavy and pleasant his arousal simmered there. Cas kissed him furiously, his hands gripping Dean tighter and tighter even as they rolled faster against one another.

"Dean." Cas grunted. They pulled apart to pant in the shared space, breathing each other in. "Dean, I can’t stand to lose you."

"I’m not going anywhere, babe."

Cas whined and pressed closer. Dean took over the kissing then, one hand on Cas’ jaw and the other on the man’s chest, rubbing his thumb against Cas’ perky nipple. Cas gasped into the kiss and arched his back. Dean could feel Cas’ dick jump and it made Dean’s cock throb in anticipation.

Fuck, a part of Dean wanted to get on his knees behind Cas and eat him out until he was open enough for Dean to take him right here in the shower. Or maybe he could turn the man around and push between his legs, fuck him intercrural style?

The fact was that Dean didn’t have time to do anything before Cas wrapped his hand around the both of them as best he could. Together they were a bit too thick for him to get a good grip all the way around but it was good enough for Dean and he groaned at the feeling.

He turned them around so that Cas was the one with his back against the wall and started humping against the man. Cas moaned throatily and arched his back again, his hand picking up speed between them even as Dean’s hands travelled back so that he could finger Cas’ tight little hole.

"So fucking good, baby, you have no fucking idea." Dean grunted as they rutted together and Cas nodded with his eyes scrunched up tight. "Everything feels so goddamn good with you, feels so fucking _much_." He didn’t even know what he was saying but Cas seemed to get it, or seemed to feel the same at least.

He gasped when Dean leaned in to kiss his throat and hooked a leg around Dean’s hip best he could. Their rutting got harder, faster with the better angel, and Dean did his best to keep Cas from falling even as his own knees threatened to give out.

Fuck, the pleasure was so sharp now, so hot and burning that Dean for a split second thought he had been caught in that fire after all. Maybe he had died and gone to Heaven? It wasn’t that hard to believe, actually, because Cas was here, pleading for him and fuck if that wasn’t Dean’s version of Heaven right there.

"God, Dean, I’m going to come."

Shit, Cas always sounded so amazed by that. Like he really, really wanted it but hadn’t believed he would be allowed to have it. Dean loved giving it to him.

"Fuck yes." He hissed and nibbled on Cas’ lower lip. "Wanna feel it all over me, rub it on my cock Cas."

Cas bucked so hard that he almost threw them off balance but Dean caught him in time, would always catch him.

The hot splash of Cas’ come, immediately mixed with the water, made Dean groan and he came moments later, adding to the mess between them. Holy shit, black spots actually danced before Dean’s eyes and he had to lean one hand on the wall to keep standing.

When he came back to himself Cas was kissing his face lovingly and stroking his hair. Their mostly soft dicks felt fucking amazing pressed tightly together and Dean felt lingering arousal shoot through him when he put his hands on Cas’ hips to hold him still as he grinded slowly against him.

"Never scare me like that again, Dean." Cas was murmuring under his breath. "Don’t leave me."

Cas was asking him not to die, Dean was sure and it made him close his eyes against unexpected emotions. Fuck, his throat felt tight. He wanted to tell Cas that he wouldn’t do that to the man. That he was working for a better future. But he couldn’t say it, not yet.

Instead he just nodded and kissed Cas much too tenderly for what they were supposed to be; more tenderly than Dean had thought himself capable of. Much too tenderly entirely.

  


*****

  


Dean sat down when Boss indicated that he should. Boss looked somberly at him and Dean just stared passively back. He assumed this had to do with that fucking disaster of a mission a couple of days ago since most of the others hand been debriefed. Dean had nothing to hide about that.

He hadn’t seen Rosco since the night they got back but it wasn’t like anyone was asking questions. Wasn’t like they were holding a funeral for those two guys that had died either. Dean didn’t even know their names and they presumably didn’t have any family. In this line of business no one cared about the grunts and Dean had long since made his peace with that.

"So, Dean." Boss said after some amount of time spent in silence. Dean wondered if that was a trick used to set the opposing party on edge. It didn’t work very well on Dean, though. As soon as there was a silence in conversations Dean’s mind tended to wander.

"Boss."

"Did you really think I wouldn’t know?"

Dean’s mind immediately zinged to every conversation he had had with Sammy over past month. Thankfully he had been trained by the best — Boss’ own men — so his internal panic was brief and didn’t even show on his face.

"I’d imagine there’s a lot of things you know, Boss."

Boss leaned back in his seat, a calculating look on his face, before he reached over to his computer screen and turned it around as far as it could go. Dean’s heart gave a painful thud at the image on the screen. It was a paused security camera video and it clearly showed him on his way up the stairs to the mansion on the night of the mission.

"So Alastair told me your friend Benny mentioned you mentioning the mansion’s security."

"I did." His mind was screaming _bail, bail!_ but Dean knew better. There would be no use in denying it.

"Funny." Boss said in a poor mockery of confusion and clicked to show another image, this one of Dean entering Cas’ room mere minutes later. "But I suppose you would start with your charge, wouldn’t you? You’ve proven to be a good guard dog."

Dean leaned back in his seat and forced his heart to calm down. "Thank you, Boss. But did you really call me in here only to praise me?"

"I don’t know." Boss said, still in a slightly confused tone, and clicked on yet another image. Dean leaving the mansion almost three hours later. "Maybe I actually had some questions. Maybe I would like to ask why it took you this long to check that the security in Castiel’s room was okay when you checked nowhere else." He looked up and fixated Dean with a hard stare. "Or maybe I want to ask you where he wanted to get fucked this time?"

Even if Dean suspected this was bad and even if he hated Boss speaking so crassly about Cas, this was still miles better than Boss finding out about Sam. If he had, Dean was pretty sure he would just be a smudge on the wall by now.

"The shower."

"What?"

Dean shrugged and put on an air of nonchalance. "You wanted to know where he wanted to get fucked this time. In the shower."

Boss narrowed his eyes and leaned forward to cross his arms on the desk. "You’re not denying that you’re having a relationship with Castiel? The same Castiel who is _married_ to my—"

"Woah." Dean held up a hand and Boss quieted with a scowl. "Who said anything about a relationship? I’ve only fucked him a couple of times." Dean spread his hands when Boss’ eyes narrowed so much Dean wasn’t even sure they were open anymore. "What?"

"He’s married to Amara."

Boss’ tone was icy but that was actually a good thing. As long as his tone didn’t get sickeningly sweet Dean knew he was good to go.

Dean shrugged again. "Sorry. I guess I just thought he was fair game after you showed me that he likes dick. He’d been kinda hinting at it before but I didn’t really understand, thought he was straight and all. And I didn’t think he would be desperate enough for it to go after me when he’s already fucking you. Sorry."

Dean wanted to cut out his own tongue for talking like this but to his relief it made Boss stop squinting at him.

"He’s a cockslut for sure." Boss muttered in agreement. Dean’s trigger finger twitched but that was just ridiculous. "You should’ve checked with me first, though. I don’t like you dogs thinking every toy I show you is yours to play freely with."

Dean couldn’t believe he had used to respect this man; used to idolize him. He felt like his blood was boiling but once again his training saved him.

"Sorry." He repeated for the umpteenth time. "Do you want me to stop?" he grinned when Boss looked thoughtful for a moment. "I mean I would miss his tight little ass but I wouldn’t want to destroy anything if you’re planning something here."

Boss waved his hand. "I’m not planning anything, just enjoying his ass as much as you do. But apparently I’m not enough, maybe that’s something to think about."

Fuck, now Boss’ tone gotten dangerous for some reason. Was his ego taking a hit? Yes, Dean suspected, and that could mean nothing good for Cas.

"I think it’s the Viagra Amara forces on him." Risky, bringing that up, but Dean had to plow ahead. "Castiel mentioned that when he first approached me, made him feel hot or whatever he was babbling about. I stopped paying attention when he started rubbing up against me."

Boss actually chuckled at that and Dean called it a win. "That’s not real Viagra, they’re stronger. Might make him even sluttier, that’s true. Cassie isn’t stupid; I’ve had many rewarding intellectual exchanges with him." Boss shrugged then and Dean allowed himself to relax a little. "I guess bringing you into the mix was my fault. I let Amara play with you and I goaded him with how good-looking you are. And then Amara keeps hopping him up on those pills, guess it get his delicate wires crossed."

Dean bobbed his head in agreement. "Yeah and we do spend a lot of time together. I mean, he’s just got this kind of face I wanna see crying, you know?" Dean’s stomach twisted when Boss nodded with a smirk. "And c’mon, I’m only human. I haven’t been able to get much free-time to get in a squeeze. What was I going to do when he started pawing at me? What you gave me here in your office was one hell of a show, Boss."

Boss hummed. "It wasn’t for you, though."

"I guess, but it stayed with me." Dean sighed, trying to sound irritated. "And I meant it when I said we spend a lot of time together, Cas is so _clingy_. And we’re only doing all these stupid things too, why not spruce it up with sex if I could, you know?"

"Like going on forest hikes?" Boss chuckled and Dean groaned.

"Don’t fucking remind me, it’s so goddamn _boring_. All he does is stare at insects and take grossly intimate pictures of them. It’s disgusting."

Those pictures were absolutely amazing and deserved to be in an art exhibit. Boss out-right laughed, though, so Dean supposed that was good.

"And here I was thinking you were at least having kinky sex out there."

"I wish." Dean snorted and then straightened in his seat. "Seriously, though. Do you want me to stop?"

Dean held his breath when Boss looked like he was thinking it over. Dean knew he would never be able to stop the drug that was Cas’ company but Boss’ word would have to rule over this for the time being. Cas would understand.

"Continue, for now." Boss said after a while. "Let him think you care, maybe I can even use this later."

"Let him think I care?" Dean repeated, trying not to show how elated he felt.

"Yes." Boss leaned back and steepled his fingers. "Yes, that would be a fun activity I think. Show him some affection."

So Boss wanted Dean to play with Cas’ feelings? Sick fuck. The resentment Dean had started feeling towards Boss lately was really blossoming in this moment. Hate was starting to take over.

Suddenly Dean wanted nothing more than to throw himself across the desk and strangle Boss. Watch him struggle for breath, unable to call in his useless bodyguard. He could do it too, could kill Boss and then take Cas and run for it, and they could…

Could be chased for the rest of their lives, always having to look over their shoulders for fear of retaliation. No, if they wanted to be safe more people than Boss had to be taken out and they had to be taken out in the right manner.

So Dean forced himself to grin. "Okay, sure."

"You’ll report to me if he responds to it and what he does." Boss looked like a kid in a candy store and it was sickening. "And Dean," he suddenly fixated Dean with a hard stare. "Try to be a little more careful not to get spotted and don’t you dare breathe a word of this to anyone."

Dean nodded. "Haven’t so far and I see no reason to either."

"Amara can never know."

"Of course not." Dean looked affronted. "Look, Boss, I just wanted to fuck him when he presented his ass to me, that’s all." He nodded when Boss nodded. "And thank you for making it interesting, this job was getting a bit stale."

Boss snorted out a short laugh. "Being a bodyguard never agreed with you, Dean. You’re good at it but you don’t like it."

"I think I might start liking it now, though." Dean grinned crookedly and Boss nodded with a grin of his own.

"Just remember who owns you, Dean."

"Always, Boss."

  
  



	8. Chapter 8

  
  


"Sonuvabitch!" 

Dean’s whole body jerked when the needle pricked—scratch that, when the needle fucking _stabbed_ his thumb. This was ridiculous.

He got the insane urge to throw the duffle bag clean across the cheap motel room he was in but ended up just sucking his thumb like a toddler. Sewing was hard and that fucking hurt, goddamnit. Looking at what he had managed to accomplish so far didn’t make him feel better either.

The inner lining of the duffle bag was all torn up despite his best efforts to sew on the extra pockets and then close it up again. This looked like shit. On the other hand he supposed it didn’t have to look nice, just work. Looking at it now — and at his abused thumb — he was starting to think it might not work as smoothly as he had first thought.

A spike of adrenaline shot through him when his phone went off and he almost reached for his jacket where he kept his cell but got his wits together in the last moment and picked up the cheap flip phone he had especially reserved for Sammy. For a moment there he had almost thought that it would be Boss calling him; that someone had noticed he was gone. He better watch himself before he got more skittish.

"Tell me you have some good news." He growled into the phone and Sam had the _gall_ to chuckle.

"What are you doing?"

He supposed Sam wondered what he was doing that put him in a bad mood but he felt uneasy about telling his little brother. Still, Sam was helping.

"Do you remember when mom used to sew? Didn’t look that hard, did it?"

"Dean, don’t talk about…" Dean used the pause to inspect his thumb. "Why are you sewing?"

"A man’s gotta think about the future, Sammy." There wasn’t even any blood, why the fuck did it hurt so much? Dean would rather get punched any day. "Back to business, tell me what’s happening."

Sam grumbled but like usual appeased Dean. "We’re moving up the plans, this is happening eight days from now."

That was much sooner than Dean had thought, good thing he had prepared ahead of time. Actually, this was great news.

"From _now_ -now?"

"I don’t…what?"

Dean sighed and pulled the duffle bag closer again. "I gotta have the exact time, Sammy."

"Why?"

"Don’t sound so suspicious, I’m not screwing you over."

Sam huffed. "I didn’t think so but if I still know you I’m starting to think you’re screwing yourself over."

"Ouch, Sammy." Dean muttered. "I’m just planning things here."

"Planning what? We agreed I would be in charge of planning."

"And you’re doing a great job of it but do you know what I thought of? I thought of his family."

Sam was silent for a long time. Long enough for Dean to shrug and put the phone on speaker instead so that he could start sewing again.

"You’ve only mentioned them in passing before. Who are they?"

"Not sure that’s mine to tell, Sammy." He shifted to sit cross-legged with the duffle in his lap. "But let’s just say that if there’s even a _chance_ that they think they can find him, they’ll probably try to. We’re fucking them over with this too. You might even get a chance to take them out down the line if you’re lucky."

"They’re business associates of Crowley, aren’t they?"

Sam was so smart it made Dean smile. "In any case I can’t risk them knowing we’re alive after this."

"Dean, _please_ tell me what you’re planning. You told me you wanted me to handle this and I have. Witness protection, relocation, the works."

"Not good enough. We’re gonna have to die."

Sam’s breath hitched. "I thought…I mean, I was hoping we’d…"

Dean sighed and stopped sewing for a moment, just staring at the flaking wallpaper on the wall opposite the dingy bed he was sitting on. Man, this motel was really a dump. But he had needed to go somewhere else than his own living quarters to do this. If he hadn’t been so certain Boss had GPS trackers in the cars he would have just taken one of them and driven out a bit to sew in that.

But he _was_ certain so here he was, uncountable busses and a train ride later, in a motel room at the Lincoln Tunnel Motel smack dab in Union City. He supposed it wasn’t _that_ bad and it was anyhow all he could afford.

All this going-out-of-his-way-to-talk-to-Sam business was really costing him all his savings but on the other hand, what the hell was he saving up for? A ticket to California? A house in the Rocky Mountains? Dean was a fool.

"I know, Sammy." He mumbled picked at the crooked stiches. "I want that too and I’m not saying we can’t meet. Just gotta be on my terms."

"Everything about this is on your terms."

Dean wouldn’t let Sam’s bitter tone get to him. He deserved to hear it and Sam deserved to be bitter about everything. In fact, Dean thought he deserved more shit than Sam was giving him so this still made him smile. Because for some reason Dean still thought of Sam as a twelve-year-old who was pouting about how his big brother wouldn’t play with him. Dean still cherished those memories even though he didn’t think he deserved them.

"I know." He said in such a soothing tone that Sam quieted down immediately. "I know I’m not being fair, _believe_ me. But this is how it’s gotta be and I think you knew from the beginning that I wouldn’t make this easy on you."

"Not making it easy is a far cry from offing yourself."

"It’ll work, you’ll see."

"It had better work, Dean." Sam snapped. "Because I can’t help you if it doesn’t, you’ll have nothing left that I can offer in exchange for security. Don’t think I don’t understand what you’ve done for that man, Dean. If I wasn’t your—if I didn’t _know_ you I would want to arrest you too. Do you even know how difficult it was for me to talk them into witness protection for you? And don’t get me started on Castiel, you won’t even give me his last name."

Dean didn’t like it when Sam said Cas’ name, when either of them said it out loud. Wiretapping was still too much of a threat.

"Don’t really see what his last name has to do with his new identity."

"I suppose it hasn’t but damnit, Dean."

Yes, damn Dean to hell for what he put everyone through. At least Cas would be safe in the end. Nothing safer than dying.

"Everything else still stands, Sammy. Just with the exception that I won’t be there when it all goes down."

Sam sighed and sounded so tired that Dean wanted to hug him. Wanted with every fiber of his body to find a way where he could just hold his little brother and shield him from the world like he had done when they were small.

"Yes, Dean. Everything else still stands. Eight days from today, I’ll get back to you about the time."

"Good."

  
  


### 

  
  


Castiel was being silly.

He was cleaning his room, trying to make it look nice even though he knew that Dean didn’t care about that. He was actually rather certain that Dean didn’t even notice things like that. But Castiel still wanted it to be cozy in his room. Welcoming.

The last few days had been hell, to be honest, and now he would finally have some time with Dean and he wanted it to be perfect for the man. Dean worked so hard, walked a tight rope between Castiel and Crowley, and he deserved the best for his efforts.

When Dean had told Castiel that Crowley knew about them he had almost choked on his own breath but Dean had just calmly explained what would happen and what he had said. Even though Dean had assured Castiel time and time again that he had been lying it had still been difficult to hear how Dean had bragged about fucking Castiel like the slut he was. But Dean had been adamant that he wanted to be honest because he suspected Crowley would want to toss it in Castiel’s face.

He had not been wrong.

Every chance Crowley got he used to make fun of Castiel in some way or another. Mostly it was to taunt Castiel with how he couldn’t have Dean. Oh the old man still pretended he didn’t know that Dean and Castiel were having sex and Amara definitely didn’t know, but he still took every opportunity to jeer about it.

The fact that Dean had to give fake rapports about how he was supposedly sweet-talking Castiel and how poor, hopeful Castiel was eating it up didn’t make it easier to deal with. It was too close to the scenarios Castiel had imagine when Dean had first kissed him.

Castiel supposed he should be smug about how Crowley thought Dean’s affection was all a lies, though, but the fact was that it was difficult sometimes to remember that Dean actually was on Castiel’s side. When Crowley started he could be really mean and mostly he did so when they were alone.

Castiel’s nerves had been frayed ever since Dean came back from that mission covered in blood and this didn’t make it easier. But he kept on a brave front and endured whatever Crowley threw at him, which of course only was seen as a challenge.

His latest session with Crowley had been horrible. Humiliating and painful and Castiel hadn’t even managed to get hard enough to please the man. Just a half-hearted semi from having his prostate stimulated but he definitely hadn’t come and Crowley had been displeased.

The truth was that Castiel had had a difficult time getting hard most times with Crowley and even more so after he had tasted the sweetness that was Dean but he had tried his best to keep appearances up. He suspected Dean would get blamed for Castiel’s poor performance and that just made it all so much worse.

Now, though, Crowley had gone on a business trip to Vermont over the weekend and for some reason Castiel had yet to thank the Gods for Amara had wanted to come too. And she had definitely not wanted Castiel to come with, and Crowley had approved of this! God, Castiel had been so happy when they told him he thought he would start crying.

Yesterday Amara had been angry about how some of her jewelry had gone missing and she had thrown such a hissy fit Castiel had at first been scared Crowley would make her stay at home but she had calmed down after she had forced her goddamned pills on Castiel and ridden him until he really cried.

He had come but had been miserable after like he usually was and she had only snorted at how unmanly he was and thrown him out. Dean had spent the evening massaging Castiel’s shaking body in the tub and that wasn’t right. Dean already did so much for Castiel and all he did was put more things on Dean’s plate.

Now, however, Castiel was determined to give some back to the man. Crowley and Amara were just now leaving together with their bodyguards and a bunch of other guards, including a new one Castiel was pretty sure Amara was fucking when she told him she was in the gym Crowley had in the basement. Castel suspected that was why he hadn’t been allowed to come with his wife when she went to a resort in Vermont but he was just happy about it. Almost wanted to wish that guard good luck.

Dean was down in the barracks with a lot of the other guards, getting a briefing on how things were scheduled to run now that Crowley would be out of the mansion for more than a day. Castiel would technically be in charge, Crowley had told him with a smug sneer that made Castiel feel pretty certain he wouldn’t actually be in charge of anything. Most likely Alastair would take over for now and Castiel didn’t really care either way. Just as long as Dean would still be with him, which he was certain he would be.

Dean was looking forward to this just as much as Castiel, he had told him yesterday evening.

"Just wait until tomorrow, baby." Dean had murmured lovingly in Castiel’s ear as he massaged him tenderly. "They’re leaving in the morning, not getting back until Sunday evening. It’ll be just you and me."

And they wouldn’t even have to sneak around _that_ much — just tamp down on the affection when they were somewhere with cameras or other people — because Crowley already knew they were in a physical relationship.

Castiel had woken up early today and had cleaned himself thoroughly, wanting to be perfect for Dean. Dean always called him beautiful and even though Castiel couldn’t see it he still wanted to feel like it and he really did when he was newly bathed, shaved, and nice smelling.

He had practically run back up to his room after breakfast when Dean and the others had gone out to the barracks. Even though he knew he was clean he had taken another, extremely quick, shower to get Amara’s smell off him. Why she had wanted to hug him goodbye he would never know. He supposed he was like her little pet or something.

Anyway, that shower now meant that he was meandering around in his room buck naked. He had tried fruitlessly for a while to tame his hair but gave up when he just managed to flatten it so he looked ridiculous. Dean liked Castiel’s hair ruffled anyway, liked to grab it.

God, what if he wanted to do that now? Castiel wasn’t a fan of pain but a little hair-tugging during a really good blow-job was always nice. Dean always knew just how to touch Castiel, how to walk that fine line between pain and pleasure.

Castiel stopped by the bed where he had carelessly tossed his clothes before hopping in the shower. He was being silly thinking he had to tidy up for Dean but he liked it, like how domesticated it felt and he knew those thoughts were dangerous but there you had it.

He put away his clothes with a small smile on his lips, losing himself in the fantasy of cleaning and cooking for Dean, but he paused when he had his boxer briefs in hand. Maybe he should put these on at least? He didn’t know if Dean had something he needed to talk to Castiel about before they…

And now that Castiel thought about it — with a blush — what was there that said they were just going to jump to sex? His mind was really in the gutter. He wanted to get to know Dean better, wanted to spend time with him doing more things than just sex, even if that sex was far from mindless and always blew him away.

He supposed it was because of how little time they managed to find together. Most of it went to sex because they both needed the physical comfort and because there was no denying the lust between them but what if Dean wanted more? Or, rather, Castiel knew Dean wanted more because he could feel it in every touch and every gaze, and Castiel desperately wanted it too.

He shook out his boxer briefs, determined to put them on but stopped with his lips pressed together. Somehow he wished he had something better to put on. Sure, he probably should put on clothes so Dean could be the one to decide what they did, but he wished he had nicer clothes.

With a new blush he realized he had been thinking about clothes, specifically underwear, that he couldn’t ever wear. Nice lace, satin fabrics, muted pastel colors. Yes, Castiel was certainly being a silly, silly man. A _man_ , and not one with a soft body at that.

Castiel wasn’t big and muscly but he certainly wasn’t feminine either. But maybe…maybe he could have gotten away with it? Gotten away with wearing panties for Dean… He had never really thought about something like this before but right now he wished there was something he could do to make himself nicer for his man.

A woman would do her hair — that had failed miserably.  
She would put on make-up — that thought was just laughable to him.  
She would wear lingerie — and this was where Castiel’s mind had stuck.

Because he could do that, couldn’t he? Or could he? Would Dean like that? Castiel wanted very much to please Dean, to give to Dean as the man gave to him. Dean always told Castiel he would give and do anything Castiel wanted and while he loved hearing that he still felt a bit selfish. He wanted to make sure Dean knew how much Castiel wanted him; that Dean felt as cherished as he made Castiel feel.

Would putting on panties be something that would please Dean?

He was so caught up in the jumble of thoughts and the surprise arousal he felt at the image of posing on the bed clad in only a pair of women’s underwear that he barely heard the soft knock on his door. And when Dean opened it Castiel found that he was still standing by his closet, boxer briefs still in hand but also still buck naked.

"Honey, I’m home." Dean said jokingly as he closed the door to lock it before he looked up and saw Castiel standing there. He was smiling and it grew to a grin when he saw Castiel and God, he really could have no idea how good it felt for Castiel to hear those words.

"Welcome home." Castiel said in a soft tone and Dean sauntered up to him, grinning widely.

"What’s with the birthday suit, Cas?" Dean murmured and took a gentle hold of Castiel’s elbows as he leaned in to peck him on his lips. "Giving me a treat?"

Yes, exactly that.

"I was just standing here, wondering if you wanted me naked or clothed." He looked shyly at Dean, loving how the summer sun had brought out the freckles on his face. "Wondered what you would have thought about panties instead of these." He raised his hand to indicate his boxer briefs but Dean didn’t even spare them a glance.

"Panties?" he repeated and sounded strangely breathless all of a sudden. Dean was usually so assertive when it came to sex and while Castiel loved that he also loved when he managed to fluster the man.

"Yes." He answered, trying to sound as innocent as possible, as if his dick wasn’t already twitching at how Dean’s breath was quickening. "Would you like that? Seeing me in panties?"

"Well, yeah, I guess it’d be…" Dean coughed and looked to the side. "It’d be awesome."

Castiel’s heart picked up an almost painful pace and he tossed his boxer briefs to the side to be able to pull Dean in tighter.

"Dean, I want to give you whatever you want." He breathed against Dean’s cheek, rough from a day without shaving. "You’re always so good to me, always giving me anything I want."

"‘S ‘cuz you deserve it, babe." Dean mumbled and turned his head so they could kiss lazily. "I want you to be happy."

Castiel shivered pleasantly when Dean caressed his back with calloused hands. "I am." He said with a smile and meant it. Crowley and Amara driving him insane aside, his life was about as good as he thought it could get. "With you, I am."

He drew himself up to his full height, wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck and kissed him deeply, thoroughly. It had kind of snuck up on him and he had thought it had been about Dean’s looks because there was no denying Dean was handsome but in these last few weeks Castiel had come to the conclusion that yes, he was really in love with Dean. Head over heels, doing-stupid-things, in love.

"Cas…"

"I want to give you _anything_ , Dean." He rumbled and it was Dean’s turn to shiver. "What do you want me to do? What do you want to do to me? Anything for you, Dean."

"I—fuck, I…anything?"

Dean’s eyes looked like they were glittering when Castiel met the man’s heated gaze. "Anything, Dean."

"I want to fuck you up." Dean growled and his hands slid down to grab Castiel’s ass cheeks. "I want to make a mess out of you, have you begging for me, and then I want to put you back together. Take care of you. Want to make sure you know you’re mine. Want you…" he kissed Castiel desperately, hugging him tight. "Want you to want to be mine." He finished with a suddenly vulnerable tone and Castiel’s heart ached.

"Yes, Dean, I…all of it, yes." He cupped Dean’s jaw in one hand, the other stroking the man’s hair. "I’m yours."

"Fuck, Cas."

"Tell me more. What do you want?"

Dean turned them so that he could walk Castiel to the bed, clothed legs pressing between Castiel’s naked legs and the contrast was wonderful. Arousal sparked when Dean laid Castiel down slowly, draping himself over the man and kissing him deeply.

"Want to buy you panties, Cas." Dean rasped as he kissed his way down Castiel’s neck. "Wanna see you in pink lace with a white bow right above your dick, looking so fucking demure. Wanna see you cream them."

He continued down Castiel’s body, pausing to suck gently on one nipple as he rolled the other between his fingers. Castiel’s back arched and he gasped as pleasure shot through him. He ran his fingers through the slightly longer hair on top of Dean’s head and opened his legs wider to accommodate Dean between them. His dick was already hard and feeling the shirt over Dean’s stomach rubbing against it was delicious on its own.

He moaned out loud when Dean sucked a hickey on his hip. Dean usually didn’t do that because even if Crowley now knew about their physical relationship, Amara still didn’t and no one wanted to involve her. But either Dean was past caring or he thought the hickey would be gone until Amara would see it. Castiel, for all his cautiousness, couldn’t care less in this moment.

His dick bobbed, straining for attention, when Dean sat back on his heels, his green eyes dark from lust as they swept over Castiel’s trembling body.

"Fucking perfect." He mumbled, thumb tracing the hickey, and Castiel arched his back again. "Wish we had some toys, baby. Fuck, I want one of those vibrating plugs for you. Would put it in you and then have you in your panties." His whole body shuddered violently and Castiel saw his cock jumping in his slacks. " _Fuck._ "

"Want to watch me struggle, Dean?" Castiel asked in a breathless tone, loving the images Dean’s words put in his mind. "I would be so hard for you, wouldn’t fit in the panties."

"Holy shit, Cas." Dean groaned and started practically ripping off his clothes. "Might have to put you in a cock cage, keep you aroused but unable to get hard. Fuck, I want you, Cas."

Cas whined and bucked up when Dean mentioned the cock cage. The thought of Dean controlling not only his orgasms but also his erections was dizzyingly arousing. Castiel had always hated how helpless he was in his life, how everyone else controlled everything for him. But there was something tantalizing about Dean controlling this for him and Castiel knew exactly why. Because Dean would never just do it, he always made sure that he had Castiel’s consent. Dean respected him.

"I want you too, Dean." He moaned when Dean joined him on the bed again, now naked and harder than Castiel had ever seen him. "Want to give that to you but I want it for myself too."

"Yeah?" Dean breathed against Castiel’s fluttering stomach. "Fuck, you saying you’d get off on giving me that kind of control?"

"Yes, Dean. _Yes._ " He gasped and Dean rewarded him with another hickey. God, Castiel was so _hard_ , so ready to burst already.

"Wanna mess you up, baby."

Dean grabbed Castiel’s hips roughly and flipped him over before Castiel even knew what was happening. He grunted and made to get to his hands and knees but didn’t get far before Dean once again draped himself over Castiel’s prone body. Dean’s body was warm and hard, his cock leaking as he rolled down against Castiel’s ass.

"Dean." He moaned and gave up his body completely, letting Dean do as he wished and Dean groaned in answer.

A pillow was grabbed and bunched up before Dean gently coaxed Castiel to lift his hips. Pillow under Castiel’s lower stomach, Dean pulled on his hard dick, pulling it back between Castiel’s legs to give Dean a perfect view of Castiel’s leaking dick and tight balls just beneath his ruddy perineum.

The position elevated Castiel’s ass and he spread his legs when Dean spread his cheeks, thumbing tenderly at his hole. Just thinking about what he must look like made Castiel’s breath stutter. Crowley had called him a cockslut, which had made Dean very angry, but Castiel felt in this moment that if the cock he was slutty for was Dean’s then maybe the comment wasn’t so far off. Certainly he looked slutty now and he loved it.

"Fucking hell, baby." Dean pressed out in a tight voice. "Can’t believe you’re letting me have you like this."

"It’s because I want it too." Castiel admitted in a hushed tone, face pressed against the bed in an attempt to hide from Dean’s heated eyes or he would come right now. Dean was caressing his ass, fingers skimming Castiel’s dick, and oh God, was he leaning down?

Castiel cursed sharply in Russian when Dean licked at his hole with a wide tongue. If Dean was planning on rimming him then Castiel might just start begging right now and hell, let’s be realistic, Castiel often ended up begging for Dean during sex. Castiel had always thought he was a good lay — and Dean certainly seemed to think so — but he was more often than not reduced to a babbling mess when they had sex.

"Gonna eat you out good." Dean murmured against Castel’s ass and Castiel’s hips jerked but shit, in this position he couldn’t really grind his dick against the bed. "If we had some toys I would play with you all day, have you at the edge for as long as I wanted. Put that plug in you and have you prance around in your panties, tear-eyed from the need to come. So fucking pretty, all for me."

" _God._ " Castiel whined and tried to press back but Dean’s strong hands held him in place.

It was bad enough that Dean put those images in Castiel’s mind — it would make him come too fast — but what was even worse was how he himself kept seeing all of this happening in a little cottage up in the Rockies. Snow heavy outside but warm inside from the fire Dean had built before he decided to pick Castiel apart.

Castiel could see it. Could see Dean sitting in a comfortable armchair, watching with amusement and arousal in his eyes as Castiel walked around the cottage, perhaps cleaning, while wearing a plug and panties. And maybe a cock cage? Oh God…

"Yeah." Dean rasped when Castiel moaned deeply. "Yeah, you’re seeing it too."

With a little nip Dean started really licking Castiel’s hole, tongue clever and warm, and Castiel melted against the bed. His breath came in short little stutters and he grabbed uselessly at the sheet beneath him as Dean really got into eating him out.

And good Lord, Dean was so _good_ at it. So very enthusiastic, as if he really thought Castiel tasted good. And he always got so into it Castiel was sure he loved it too. Or maybe he just loved Castiel’s response to the treatment. Because as spit ran down Castiel’s perineum he got increasingly desperate. His dick was jerking against the bed and his balls were creeping steadily up, up, into his body, so ready to burst.

Castiel was moaning but barley hearing himself over the sounds Dean made. Small hums of contentment slipped out as Dean pressed closer, spearing his tongue and breeching Castiel’s rim. The pleasure was glorious but God, it wasn’t enough.

"Dean." He pressed out, need making his voice tight and strained. Dean just hummed louder and went down to lick clean across Castel’s balls and dick. "O-oh!" he bucked back as best he could and Dean dove right back in to fuck Castiel with his tongue. " _Dean_ , Dean I-I need…"

"Yeah." Dean growled and finally put a finger to Castiel’s hole, letting it easily slide in to the first knuckle. "Yeah, I know what you need. Fucking beautiful, Cas." He used his finger for a moment and then pulled out and away, leaving Castiel frighteningly cold.

He gasped at the feeling but forced himself to calm down when he saw that Dean was only fetching the lube and condoms he had bought for them. Dean’s hands trembled as he fumbled with the lube but as soon as he put them back on Castiel they were steady and sure again. Once again, Castiel melted under Dean’s ministrations when Dean lovingly but swiftly stretched Castiel’s already relaxed hole.

He mewled pleas in Russian even though he knew Dean couldn’t understand it, unable to contain himself much longer, and Dean panted harshly behind him. The sound of the condom wrapper being torn open was loud and Castel arched his back at the sound, presenting his ass.

"Don’t come." Dean grunted and hoisted Castiel up to his knees.

He barely had time to process what was going on before Dean grabbed at his dick and he almost came after all. But Dean clamped down on him, his strong fingers forming a restricting ring around the base of Castiel’s dick and Castiel sobbed out a moan at the burning pleasure that shot through him.

"Dean, I—Dean!"

"I know, baby." Dean cooed and stroked Castiel’s hair with his other hand. "Fuck you sound beautiful when you beg; I wanna give you everything, Cas. Everything for you."

"Please, in-inside…"

"Yeah."

Dean maintained his grip on Castiel’s dick even as he sat up on his knees behind Castiel, his other hand now on Castiel’s ass as he guided his cock to Castiel’s hole. He was hard enough that he didn’t need his hand to align himself and when he started sinking in both men let out twin noises of bliss.

"So hard for me." Castiel gasped when Dean was all the way inside and Dean rewarded him with a quick tug to his dick.

"So fucking tight baby, Jesus fucking Christ." He pulled out but only managed a little bit before he apparently needed to slam back in.

He groaned deeply and Castiel gasped when Dean started thrusting shallowly against his prostate. Usually Dean liked to build up his pace, going from slow languid strokes to fast and hard, but now he seemed unable to contain himself and Castiel loved it as much as he loved it the other way.

"Please, Dean." He moaned wantonly and used his arms to push back as best he could. "Please use me, I want you to." He was already so close to coming and that was really no surprise either. It was always difficult for him to contain himself around Dean.

"Fucking hell, Cas." Dean gasped and put both his hands on Castiel’s hips so he could start really ramming him. "I-I need you."

"I need you too." Castiel stuttered out through Dean’s merciless pace. God, it felt divine. Castiel freely gave over his body to Dean and he was rewarded tenfold for it. Pleasure flared hot throughout his whole body and his dick bobbed with every thrust, precome leaking out so much it dribbled down to the sheets.

"No but Cas, I _need_ you." Dean said in a tone much too intimate for fucking, despite the pace they were at.

Castiel closed his eyes and immediately found himself in his cottage, in _their_ cottage.

"I know, Dean." He rasped. "Me too."

Dean buried himself deep inside Castiel’s hot body with one last hard thrust, hips to pelvis and forehead to upper back, Dean shouted wordlessly as he came hard enough for Castiel to feel it even through the condom. He sat for moment behind Castiel, completely still but for his dick twitching in Castiel’s ass and even though Castiel still needed to come this feeling of intimacy was equally glorious.

"Cas?" Dean mumbled after a moment and Castiel flexed his hole around Dean’s cock, grinning with satisfaction when it drew a vulnerable gasp from Dean.

"Still here." He answered tenderly and Dean made a soft sound in return.

He pulled out carefully and when Castiel rolled to his back, Dean removed the condom and tossed it to the floor before pulling Castiel into a warm embrace. Hands in Castiel’s hair, he turned their heads so that they could kiss deeply and Castiel wrapped both arms and legs around Dean’s body. He was helpless not to roll up against Dean and Dean just kissed him deeper and reached down with one hand to give Castiel something to fuck.

Pleasure burst through him, whitening out his sight for a moment there when he felt Dean’s rough fingers around his sensitive dick. With Dean’s weight on top of him, Castiel could do little more than squirm against the grip Dean had on him but he wouldn’t want it any other way.

Dean was all around him, holding him, kissing him, stroking him. And when Castiel came he did so with a broken sob born from uncontainable happiness. Happiness only Dean could bring him and Castiel knew in this moment that he would follow this man anywhere, to hell and back if necessary, if only for a chance to see Dean smile at him like this.

  
  


### 

  
  


Dean kept looking at the watch on his phone every other minute and knew he was being an idiot. Time felt like it was standing still and it made him jittery as fuck. He hadn’t slept at all this night and knew that was stupid as hell but fuck, he hadn’t been able to and had anyhow had too much to fix at the last minute.

Goddamnit he wanted to leave now but everything had to look normal so he couldn’t go to Cas earlier than usual. It would look weird enough that he would be going into the mansion in his jogging outfit when Cas normally met him outside for their exercise.

One last sweep of his room assured him that it was a perfectly anonymous room. Anyone could have lived there. To be honest it was even difficult to tell if it had been a man or a woman that had stayed there. He supposed that had been the one good thing about his insomnia; that he had had the time to thoroughly clean out his room too.

The two duffle bags he had prepared for this sat on his bed, looking completely innocent and good, that was good too. Dean put his hands on his hips and forced himself to take a deep breath and calm the fuck down. He had done everything by the book, had been smart about this. This _would_ work.

The phone he had gotten from Alastair when he joined the guards had been smashed and buried out in the forest so Dean had to keep checking the time on the plastic little phone he reserved for Sam but it was okay. The phone did what he needed it too and it was fairly untraceable.

Suddenly if felt like time sped up and fast approached seven o’clock and for some reason that made Dean even jitterier. Was that choppers he heard in the distance? No, not this early. Eight was the time Sammy had told him and that was good, eight was doable.

At ten to seven Dean couldn’t wait any longer. He picked up the duffle bags, one half-stuffed with some of Dean’s belongings and the other completely empty for now, both made heavier than they should have been by the contents Dean had sewn into the lining. He shook them and heard the rustle that content made but thought it was fine.

He locked the door to his living quarter and pocketed the key for now. It would be weirder if he didn’t lock it, right? Not that it really mattered, most of the other guards here were still asleep like usual. Dean was just being silly and he needed to cool it.

  


Cas was standing by his bay window when Dean entered unannounced. He was already in the clothes he normally wore for jogging, sans his shoes, and he turned with a frown but smiled once he saw that it was Dean. Fuck, Dean realized he would kind of miss this. Cas with his bed-head, framed by the morning sun that leaked in through the window, a smile on his beautiful face.

"Dean." He said, sounding pleasantly surprised and fuck, Dean really loved how deep Cas’ voice could get. Just plain loved Cas.

"Hey baby." He mumbled and turned to close and lock the door.

"Not that I don’t love you in here, but what’s the matter?"

Dean sighed and turned to Cas. Suddenly the man looked worried and Dean never wanted him to feel like that but shit was about to go down so Dean supposed it was appropriate.

"Cas, I…" words were difficult, though. "I just, just can’t keep doing what we’ve been doing, not like this."

 _Fuck_ , Cas immediately looked like Dean had punched him and Dean dropped the duffle bags to quickly walk up to the man and pull him into a tight hug. The bags made loud thumping noises when they hit the floor but it didn’t seem like Cas had noticed.

"Dean…?"

"Shit, no Cas, I didn’t mean it like that." He mumbled and stroked Cas’ back. "I just meant that I can’t keep sharing you with Crowley and Amara and the whole fucking world, okay? I can’t do it, I need you too much."

Cas pulled out to look at Dean with big eyes. "I-I need you too Dean, but this is how—"

"Don’t say this is how it has to be." Dean interrupted but immediately leaned in to kiss Cas when the man just looked confused. "I’m sorry, Cas. I just…this is a difficult day, okay? Part of this day is going to suck but it’s going to get better."

Cas frowned but thankfully didn’t step away from Dean. "What’s going on?"

"If you could have a do-over, would you want it?"

"A do-over?"

Time was running out and Dean was shit at explaining himself, he needed actions. "If you could choose, Cas, anything you wanted. Would you want to stay here, as we have it now, or would you…" fuck, now Dean felt nervous for another reason entirely. He was such a goddamn sissy, _fuck_. "Would you want that cottage you talked about? Turtles and bees and flowers and…" he coughed and looked away. "Me?"

Cas’ breath hitched at that one word and when Dean dared glance back he saw that Cas’ eyes were full of unshed tears but he was smiling like a dork. A wonderful, perfect little dork.

"I would, Dean." He whispered and when he blinked a few tears escaped but he wasn’t crying, not really. "But we couldn’t…"

Dean shushed him gently and thumbed away the stray tears. "Leave it to me, Cas."

"What do you mean?"

Dean stepped away and picked up the duffle bags to put them on Cas’ bed and open them. "Do you trust me?"

"What are you going to do?"

Dean turned around with his gun in hand, checking the safety before he calmly met Cas’ wonderfully blue eyes.

"I’m going to kill us."

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be a short conclusion and thus the end :)  
> Thank you for reading!


	9. Conclusion

  
  


To Cas’ credit he didn’t even flinch. Just frowned at the gun and then looked Dean straight in the eye.

"Kill us?"

Or maybe it wasn’t that good that Cas didn’t flinch at such a statement? Dean liked to think that it was because Cas didn’t think Dean capable of something so heinous but past actions on Dean’s part would argue on the contrary so maybe Cas was just not scared to die.

"Yes." He reached behind himself and put his gun in the lining of his shorts at the small of his back. He didn’t like to keep his gun like that but he didn’t have his holster on now. With a tug he forced his t-shirt over the gun but was sure it was pretty visible anyway. "Now pack the bags."

Cas crossed his arms and his frown deepened. "Why? What do I need things for if I’m just going to die?"

Dean couldn’t help smiling at that but fuck, that really were choppers in the distance, wasn’t it?

"Please, baby." Dean pleaded while he walked up to the window. Clear skies so far, that noise was all in his head. "I promise I’m going to explain everything but I want to do it on the move."

"Just saying," Cas muttered but to Dean’s relief the man was moving around the room now, picking up a few items. "If you’re not going to kill us right now you shouldn’t have said it like that. That was unnecessary drama."

Dean smiled again but remained by the window to have a clear view of the sky. "Sorry, I’m nervous as hell."

"So what do I pack on this supposed death trip?"

God, Dean loved Cas. Loved everything about him but especially loved how accepting he was of Dean’s behavior. This wasn’t really fair to the man, though. Cas would be giving up a lot of shit and he wasn’t even aware of it.

"Just stuff you’d take on a trip like clothes and your camera I guess, but Cas," he walked up to the man, stopping him from rifling through his closet by putting a hand on his arm. "Do you understand what I’m saying here?"

Cas sighed and turned to Dean but he was still looking inside his closet. "Not really. I’m assuming you’re thinking about running away even though you know that won’t work out. Between Crowley and Pakhan we wouldn’t come very far. And I’m not…" he sighed again and met Dean’s eyes. "I’m not saying I’m _that_ important but I know both those men consider their pride important enough and me running out of this would certainly hurt their pride. So I guess…" he shrugged and looked away again. "I want to run away with you Dean, God knows how much I’ve thought about it, but I guess it would be impossible. I’m willing to try, though."

Dean stepped in and gently grabbed Cas’ chin so he could turn back the man’s head. "It’s not impossible, Cas. We’re running away and I’ve made it possible for us, I just don’t want to talk about how while we’re still in the mansion."

The frown returned but Cas just looked at Dean for a moment before he resolutely nodded his head.

"Okay."

"Yeah?"

Cas turned away to gather some clothes and quickly filled the duffle bags. "I always thought I would stay because I didn’t have any other options. And then I thought I didn’t want to leave because it would mean leaving you." He was talking as he worked fast to tie on his sneakers and gather what little personal belongings he cherished enough to bring with him. "But if you’re saying we’ll do this together…"

"We will." Dean stated confidently. "This will work."

Cas nodded while he busied himself with closing the bags. "Then I trust you."

Dean’s heart fluttered as if Cas had just agreed to marry him and wasn’t that a thought?

He shook himself and opened the window. "Great, come here with the bags."

Cas lifted one in each hand and immediately frowned down at them. "These are much heavier than they should be." He commented lightly but still carried them over to Dean.

"Yeah, funny thing." Dean mumbled and looked out the window to see that the garden on this side of the house was just as empty at this time of day as he had thought it would be. "Remember that jewelry Amara accused the maids for stealing last week?" Dean patted the side of one of the bags when Cas gave it to him. "Let’s just say we’re gonna have to be really careful with the lining of these bags."

Cas’ eyes widened and he stared down at the duffle bag still in his hands. "Dean." He breathed. "Some of that is worth hundreds of thousands of dollar."

"Well good." Dean said and carefully, as carefully as he could, tossed the duffle bag out the window. "I dunno what a cottage like the one you want will cost but I’m betting it’s not cheap."

The bag made a _thwomp_ -ing sound as it hit the ground and was perfectly hidden by the bushes surrounding the house. Good. The chance of someone seeing the duffle bags as they sailed past a window was significantly smaller than someone seeing the two of them walking out of the mansion with them in hand.

The fact that no one but the cameras had spotted him on his way inside was just too good to be true and Dean wasn’t going to take another chance. Sure, he had sewn on those hidden pockets for fear of someone stopping him and demanding to see what was in the bags but if he could avoid having any kind of encounter he would rather have it so.

" _Dean._ "

When Dean turned around for the other bag Cas clenched it to his chest.

"Only the best for you, Cas." He stated simply and took the bag from Cas, tossing it out the window too.

Dean took Cas’ hand in his and started walking him out of the room but Cas stopped just as they reached the door.

"Wait."

"Cas, we _really_ don’t have the time."

Cas just scowled at him and went to his bedside table and picked up that old, scruffy wallet Dean had given him a lifetime ago.

"I’m not leaving without this."

Dean swallowed over a lump. "Put it in your pocket, baby." He croaked and Castiel just nodded before following Dean out of his room without so much as a glance back.

God, Cas was brave.

  


The trek between the mansion and the forest edge had been the most nerve-wracking but once they were in the forest Dean breathed out, even if he refused to slow down. Cas didn’t complain, though, and carried one of the duffle bags so Dean would have one hand free to use his gun if he needed it.

"I can’t believe your little brother has been an FBI agent this whole time." Cas stated incredulously when Dean took a pause from explaining what had happened up to this point.

Dean couldn’t resist smiling at him. "It’s not like he became one just yesterday, that takes time, Cas."

"No, that wasn’t what I—" he cut himself off to glare at Dean. "I _know_ that, Dean. But you have to see how difficult it is to believe."

"Oh believe me; I was more shocked than you when I first found out. But proud too, you know? And it’s really helpful now."

"I bet." Cas mumbled and ducked under a low branch when Dean indicated it for him.

They were far beyond their normal spot now and Dean imagined he really could hear the choppers now. He hoped to high fucking Heaven that Benny had done his part or this would go to shit pretty fast.

They reached the outer perimeter fence just as the chopper noise — real now, real enough for Cas to turn around and look back even though all they could see was the forest — sounded pretty close by.

"They’re really coming for Crowley." Cas whispered and hugged the duffle bag.

Dean stopped when he realize Cas wasn’t moving. "Yeah. I gave Sam everything he needed to know to take Crowley and his whole organization down. Those that don’t die today are going to prison." He stepped closer to the man when Cas still looked back the way they came. "I thought about killing him, Cas." Dean mumbled and that sure got Cas’ attention.

"I…"

Dean nodded and took Cas’ hand to tug him into moving again. "But I knew it wouldn’t be good enough. Someone would always be chasing us and I didn’t want that kind of life for you. Besides, I think you don’t want me to kill people anymore and God knows Sammy don’t."

Cas nodded as they walked briskly along the fence to where Benny and Dean had decided to cut the hole.

"But how is this better? For us, I mean?"

Dean hummed. "Sammy wanted to put us in witness protection in exchange for the information. It was no problem arranging it for you but I was a little trickier. He managed though," Dean sighed deeply. "But then I realized that that wouldn’t help for shit. I barely know anything about your family so I couldn’t give enough for Sam to take Pakhan down and I figured they would try to find you and blame you."

"You could have asked me, I could have given Sam what he needed."

Dean’s chest swelled with pride at how fearless Cas was. "I didn’t want to risk bringing you into the mix."

"You thought I might not approve and rat you out." Cas sounded so disappointed that Dean’s heart hurt.

"It wasn’t that, baby." He said softly and squeezed Cas’ hand. "I was just scared for you."

Cas seemed to accept that because he nodded and when Dean stopped to orient himself Cas leaned in and kissed him quickly. Shit, yes, that was perfect. Dean followed him when Cas pulled back and one kiss turned into too many for this moment but fuck, tasting Cas gave Dean courage.

"What happened to the witness protection?" Cas asked, only slightly breathless, when Dean forced himself to pull away and start walking again. Only a little bit more and they would be at the hole, he hoped. Things looked different from the inside.

"I told Sam to cancel it, told him I’d handle it."

"So he knows where we’re going?"

"No." There, fucking yes, Benny had cut the hole just like he had promised. Dean increased his pace when he saw it but also heightened his senses. He didn’t think Benny would betray him but anything could happen. "No, as far as Sam _knows_ I’m going to kill us, just like I told you. But if I know my brother, which I would like to think I do even after all this time, I believe he suspects that the corpses he’s going to find won’t be us."

"Corpses?" Cas asked, his voice slightly spooked but when Dean ushered him through the hole in the fence he went willingly.

Well outside, Dean did his best to make it look like the fence was whole but thought it didn’t really matter. He did after all want the FBI to find the car he was planning to crash. In fact it was so imperative that they find that car and think him and Cas dead that Dean had told Sam where he could look if his colleagues couldn’t figure it out on their own. He did after all want him and Cas to be dead, not fugitives.

"Don’t worry, baby." Dean mumbled and wanted to explain more but as they walked through the last bit of the forest and out to the gravel road that ran between the forest and a meadow he spotted Benny by their get-away car.

He was leaning against it but straightened when he noticed Cas and Dean. Cas, on the other hand, stopped short as soon as he saw Benny.

"Dean…"

"It’s okay, he’s on our side."

"No, I’ve seen him with the others, he’s…"

"He’s my best friend." Dean stated and even from this distance he could see Benny’s face soften. Man, he would miss his friend. "I promise you, Cas, it’s okay."

Cas started walking again, eyeing Benny warily the whole way but bless his heart, apparently his trust for Dean won over his suspicions over Benny.

"Why are you doing this?" Cas demanded as soon as they were close enough so okay, maybe not wholly won over.

Benny took it in stride, though, and didn’t even cringe in the face of Cas’ most powerful glare. He just smiled and opened the door for Cas.

"When Dean told me someone had tipped off the feds and that he had a plan to get out of here before shit hit the fan I wasn’t about to say no, you know?"

Cas squinted at Benny, obviously trying to figure out if Benny had believed the half-lie/half-truth Dean had fed him or if Benny was in fact lying to Cas right now. Dean just hoped Cas wouldn’t reveal the actual truth, though. He loved Benny like a brother and was pretty sure the man would die for him — and Benny _had_ sometimes talked about getting out and going back to the sea — but Dean wasn’t so sure Benny would appreciate to know that it was Dean who was the whistleblower and that it was Dean’s actual brother that was coming to fuck up all of their lives.

A smattering sound broke the silence and all three of them turned in the direction of the mansion. Sure, they were well over a mile away but machine guns were loud and the wind was in their favor. Dean and Benny exchanged one look and Cas definitely seemed to make up his mind because he just slid into the car and shut the door, glaring at Dean and Benny in turn when they took too long to follow.

"Starting to think he might be worth the trouble you’ve had after all, brother." Benny smirked and Dean grimaced at him before jogging around to the passenger side of the beaten Ford Fiesta they had stolen a couple of nights back.

"Let’s just get going."

Benny saluted him and when they were finally all in the car and moving Dean allowed himself to relax slightly.

  


The SUV they had taken from Crowley’s garage earlier this morning — in the middle of the night, really — was thankfully still standing where they had hidden it. Sure, this road was not well-travelled but it would just be Dean’s fucking luck that some douche would be out for a morning walk and spot an abandoned car that he just _had to_ phone in. Luck seemed to be on their side for now, though.

"Perfect." Dean said when they got out of the Fiesta. He put the duffle bag he had been carrying on the car’s hood and opened it to tear open one of the stitchings he had made earlier. Through the little hole he pulled out one of Amara’s diamond necklaces and handed it to Benny. "Buy that boat I know you want, ‘kay?"

Benny accepted the necklace and turned it over in his hands, looking at it before clapping Dean on his shoulder.

"You take care now, brother."

Fuck, Dean hated goodbyes.

"Yeah." He said in a whisper and they looked at each other for a moment longer than necessary before Benny stepped into the Fiesta again. Dean banged the hood and Benny smiled at him before driving off.

"Is this…okay?" Cas asked after a silent moment.

Dean cleared his throat. "Do I wish he could have come with us? A little. Not like with us for the whole ride but just…it would’ve been fun if we could have kept in touch." When he looked at Cas the man was looking back at him with sad eyes but Dean could do nothing but smile when he looked at Cas. "It’s okay, though. I know he’ll be safe and happy. Who knows, he might just meet the love of his life out there."

That sure made Cas duck his head and smile and fuck, Dean just wanted to kiss him but knew that if he did he might not be able to stop and they weren’t in the clear yet. A part of him wished he had asked Benny to help him with this next part because he didn’t want Cas to get his hands dirty but he had wanted to let Benny go as soon as possible to give the man the head start he needed. Because Benny wouldn’t die today and sure, that had been his own choice, but it was still risky for him.

"Come on." He said and took Cas’ hand to lead him to the car. "We need to get going."

"Isn’t this one of Crowley’s cars?" Cas asked as he got in it. "Won’t it be trackable?"

"I’m counting on it." Dean mumbled and started the car to get them driving away as fast as possible.

They drove for about ten minutes in silence, Dean too occupied with the plan he had for them to notice much else and apparently Cas had decided to give Dean the time he needed for this.

When they came upon the cliff where Dean had hidden the other POS car they had stolen together with the Fiesta, Dean breathed a sigh of relief. This car was not as well hidden but at the same time there weren’t two rotting corpses in its trunk either.

"Dean, what’s going on?" Cas asked as Dean once again ushered him out of a car.

"Okay Cas, this is what’s going to happen." Dean stated and went to check on the old Toyota Corolla he had parked behind some bushes and a roadside cliff. "I have two corpses in the trunk of the SUV, and I’m gonna put them in the car and then I’m going to push it off the cliff and blow it up with this." He opened the door on the driver’s side of the Corolla and picked up a small remote that was attached to the device loaded with explosive paste that he and Benny had rigged under the SUV during the night. "Those corpses are going to be you and me, Cas, and we’re going to die here."

Cas just stared at him for a while, as if Dean was completely insane but little by little he relaxed and in the end he was looking much too softly at Dean for something like this.

"Are we going to pull out the jewelry and leave the duffle bags in the car for someone to find?" he asked and Dean wanted to kiss him for it. "I’m thinking you’re planning on there being little to none of ‘us’ or the car left but there might be something. Some evidence that we were running away might be prudent."

"Fuck I love you."

"What?"

Shit, hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

"Uh, I mean that would be a smart idea, yeah." Dean coughed and rubbed at the back of his neck. "Yeah, you do that while I rig one of the corpses in your clothes. The other one is already wearing a suit like the one I usually wear so that’s fine."

"Just…" Cas stepped closer but not close enough to touch. "Did you kill someone for this?"

"No, baby. No." Dean closed the gap between them and even though time was of the essence he took a moment to kiss Cas thoroughly. "I swear it. Just swiped them out of Doc Benton’s morgue. He’s so drunk he didn’t even miss ‘em. The one that’s playing me was Rosco, the one who fucked up that mission I went on and the one that’s supposed to be you is Gerald. He got knifed in the leg and we all thought he was going to make it but he bled out. They died like two weeks ago, though, so they’re gonna be pretty ripe and bloated, just as a heads up."

"Isn’t that going to show on the autopsy?"

"Oh baby." Dean grinned and wriggled the remote in his hand. "There’s not going to be enough of ‘em left for an autopsy to be necessary."

That actually made Cas smile and shit, Dean couldn’t resist another kiss.

"I don’t…I don’t want to see them, though."

"Of course not, Cas. I’ll take care of that, you go sit in the Corolla and fix the duffle bags."

  


It took some time, not long but longer than Dean had wanted, for him to finish setting up the corpses like he wanted them. Fitting Gerald in some of Cas’ clothes was definitely the most difficult but he supposed the clothes didn’t have to sit right, he did after all plan for there to be nothing left.

He made Cas stand look-out as he pushed the SUV over the cliff but there was still no sign of the FBI or anything else. Dean thought they must still be pretty occupied with everything at the mansion and he was satisfied with that. This explosion was sure to bring their attention anyway and since they had choppers Dean thought he would have to move swiftly.

The car went over the cliff like planned and just like Dean had suspected, but secretly hoped for, the car didn’t spontaneously explode like in the movies. Cas was already sitting in the Corolla where Dean had backed it out onto the gravel road, looking at Dean with wide, blue eyes as Dean jogged back to the Corolla while pressing the button.

The device was set to go off after ten minutes but Benny had done it hastily and had warned Dean that it might not be accurate. To say that Dean drove away from there with his heart in his throat and well over a safe speed limit would be an understatement. He wished he could have waited to push the button until they were a fair distance away but the remote was so cheap Dean suspected there was no way it would work from too far away.

It wasn’t until those ten minutes has gone by and Cas spotted dark smoke rising from where the SUV had to be that Dean relaxed fully. He had fucking done it. Okay, sure, he wouldn’t know for sure until he had let some time gone by and nothing had happened. After, perhaps, a year or two when he could safely contact Sammy and pretend to be a long-lost cousin or something. But for now it felt really fucking good. Good enough to reach over and grab Cas’ hand where it rested on the one duffle bag Cas had decided to keep when he opted to stash all of their remaining clothes and things in the second duffle to be blown up with the car.

"Are we…are we safe?" Cas asked, amazement in his tone and Dean thought he might feel the same as Dean did.

"Look in the glove compartment."

Cas did so without question and Dean really didn’t regret telling the man he loved him. Cas frowned in confusion when he pulled out the paperwork Dean had forged for them. Passports, birth certificates, and driver’s licenses, to start with.

"Dean Smith?" Cas read as he looked at Dean’s new driver’s license.

"Lotsa guys are named Dean." Dean shrugged. "Figured I could keep it and it would mean nothing."

"And…Casper Reed?"

Dean laughed at Cas’ grumpy face. "I think it’s cool. Like the friendly ghost, you know?"

"Really, Dean?" Cas huffed. " _Really_?"

"Hey." Dean reached over to grab Cas’ hand again, smiling as the gravelly road finally gave way for asphalt. "This way I can still nickname you Cas."

"Oh." When he looked over he saw Cas smiling down at the driver’s license, his eyes shining with unshed tears. "Dean?"

"Yeah babe?"

"I love you too."

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end, thank you all so much for your encouragements and for joining me on this ride! :D  
> And okay, for those of you who’re wondering:
> 
> Yes, Crowley and his whole gang is arrested and won’t ever bother Cas or Dean again, and that includes Amara who is sent to a psychiatric ward where I do believe she is later killed by another patient.  
> Yes, Pakhan and everyone else except Benny and Sam believes Dean and Cas died in that crash so no one comes looking for them.  
> Yes, Benny gets a boat and lives happily ever after when he meets Andrea out on the sea.  
> Yes, Dean finally after some years reconnects with Sam and, eventually, Bobby. They now celebrate holidays together at Bobby’s house.  
> Yes, Dean and Cas get a cottage in the mountains. Dean starts working as a carpenter and Cas works in a flower shop. They keep bees and sell their honey at the county fair every summer. They get turtles but has to name them Ford and Jones because they both turn out to be male and because those names make Dean happy. And that, in turn, makes Castiel happy. After a few years they get a Dachshund because Dean wanted a dog and Cas promised Dachshunds were great for hunting. That their dog in particular turns out being completely useless for it isn’t something either of them mentions.   
> And _of course_ they buy a whole heap of lingerie and sex toys, I think you all should feel very ashamed for even asking that.
> 
> But let’s be real, all of this is a story for another time. _Killing me softly_ was just a story about a mobster hit man who fell in love with a married man and how that love ended up killing them both, in the best of ways.


End file.
